Pieces Of Me
We're all victims. We face crime and danger every time we set a foot out of our house. Junior year had just begun, and I walk into my class late, with my kicks untied and my ear buds shoved into my ears. My first impression must have irritated the teacher, and showed her that I don't give a damn about school, because she gave me one of those looks. That, "Oh, I know what type of kid you are." glare. Do you really know me?
"Scrub!" My buddy raised his hands at me as I walked towards him to sit in my desk. We did a little handshake as I sat down, symbolizing that junior year is going to be our year.
Lunch was already here. Freshmen to sophomores were rushing for their lunch, budding their shoulders into mine as they ran passed. "What the hell man?" a freshman bumped into me while walking passed, "Can't you see that I'm starving here?" I took my ear buds out and spat back, "Shut up you little queer." He just chuckled and left as if nothing happened. From that point on, I knew that junior year was going to be brutally fun.
I got home after school and just lay in bed until I fell asleep with my thoughts comforting me.
Tuesday, the second day of the week, second day of school another day of hiding who I am. I arrive to school hearing locker doors slam, students mimicking among themselves and laughter. This time I walk into my psychology class without being late, and not having such a dramatic entrance like on Monday. Today just doesn't feel right. I sit down and sulk.
"Okay class, today we are going to be talking about why people do the things they do and feel the things they feel." Mrs. Norbert claimed. The class got all heated up and one of the class clowns finally stumbled, "Is that why people are gay?" There were debates after his comment; I could feel my body tense up. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up as they all spoke. "All gay people should just go to hell. The world can't hold them all." Samantha, a girl who thinks she knows it all spat out. I scoffed and looked at her, "No, it's whores like you who need to go to hell." She had a tiny grimace and looked at me with pierced eyes, "Whoa, sorry to burst your bubble, buddy. If you didn't want people to know that you were gay, you should have just told me earlier."
Her words tore me in little pieces. I could feel my throat get tight. My eyes were getting cloudy, my voiced cracked as I chuckled; making it seem like a joke. But it wasn't.
Fourth period was already here. I was still awakened by the comment that was thrown at me. I dragged my body to my locker with my head held down. "Hey cutie, I heard stuff today." Addison giggled. "No, I’m not in the mood for any playing." I sighed. "Listen, if you really feel that way... then it's okay. I'm here if you need to talk." She gestured. "Who do you think you are? And who gave you the right to assume that I am gay?" I scoffed in disgust. How can one joke turn into a nightmare that I've been trying to hide all my life? I walked away, knowing that death was the answer to all my problems.
Home at last. I can finally be away from the place that tore me apart. But now I'm in an environment that won't accept the fact that their son is gay, or a fag.
Weeks to months has passed with me at school being known as that "gay" dude. At least my buddy denies everything everyone has said to him. I look at Dustin from afar; I stare at him like I'm invisible. Because to him, I am. I'm only his friend, sadly, nothing more. The feelings grow, but this is the most and deepest it can get to. Just friends.
"You like him." Addison whispered, "I saw the way you looked at him,” She paused for a bit, “because… it's the way I used to look at you." Before I could even speak, she went on. "Look, I love you Cameron Mitchell. And if I can tell you that I'm in love with you and all your quirks, then you go and say the same to Dustin. Get your little ass over to him. Now." she giggled and rubbed my shoulder.
My eyes had just widened. Is she telling me that being gay is okay? Wait, is she telling me that love is love? Because love is patient, love is kind; it's not man and woman. My legs were frozen, my mind was being rushed. I could feel the adrenaline all over my body. What should I do? F*** this, I'm gonna tell him.
Walking to him was the longest walk I've ever had. I felt my heart skip beats as I dragged my left foot to my right foot. What if things go wrong? What are the chances? I'm still going to be gay in the end. I'm tired of hiding.
"Dustin. I want you to know that there are two kinds of people in this world. The people that I try to impress, and the people that I want to spend the rest of my life with. You, you just happen to be both those kind of people."
*
*
*
Take a guess. What do you think happened after? You don't lose friends because you hate each other. You lose friends because you know too much about each other to the point where you get disgusted by one another. Even if I didn't get "I love you" back, I know I'm still a homosexual. My family knows, my school knows, and my friends know. The only person who didn't…was me. Just because I had confessed to Dustin, it doesn't mean he has the same intentions. No matter who you are, what you do, or who people think you are, life will still go against you at times. I'm okay with being gay, because it seems like pain has been has been my only friend. I wonder if I'll ever heal again. Life still goes on. I can't promise you that when you accept the truth, there won't be things against you. Well, that's because... we're all victims.
“Because even the smallest of words can be the ones to hurt you, or save you.”
? Natsuki Takaya