“The outdoors is my Heaven and Hell.” I never liked looking back at the day when my life was ruined. I remember the screeching of the black tires on our cherry red 1957 Thunderbird. When the ice took control of the car and our fate. What started as a night out as a family ended with just me. I ask myself every day why they had to go and not me, leaving me by myself. My brother and my parents have been gone for four years now, it’s just me; Lynn, all on my own now. Some say the accident is what caused my agoraphobia (the fear of going outside); I believe it was by choice. Since then I have been living in a secluded small cabin in the forest. For four years, I have had myself locked away from what could save me.
I woke up on my worn down mattress tangled in my comforter. The light from the sun was just peaking under my shades telling me to get up. I got up from the bed slowly putting on my pink fuzzy slippers that had my feet imprints from wearing them so much. I trudged over to the kitchen and made myself a small breakfast before getting dressed. I put on my mom’s favorite sweater that had tiny holes in it and leggings. I then brushed my long, wavy blonde hair tying it into a pony tail. As I looked into the mirror, I looked into my faint blue eyes that seemed as though the light went out in them. The color wasn’t fully there, nor has it been for a while. I was like a robot having the same schedule every day and never feeling the slightest amount of joy. I decided to paint to keep myself occupied for the day. I had canvas’ all over the cabin with dull colors that painted away my feelings and emotions. I get lonely a lot but that doesn’t change my mind of not going outside. I learned to keep myself busy with painting, reading, or even cooking and cleaning. I looked over at the big grandfather clock and it read 12:30, which meant the townsman would be here soon. Every other week they would travel to my cabin to give me food and groceries. I always wondered why they still took care of me but, I was thankful. I was brought out of my thoughts by a faint knock on the door. I slowly got up and made my way to the door. I took in a deep breath before opening it when my breath was caught short. There stood someone I never imagined to see again, a blue eyed brown haired boy who happened to be one of my best friends, Luke.
“Lu-uke?” I said in a whisper.
“Uhm hi Lynn, I brought you your groceries.”
“Thanks, but why are you here? After all these years why are you here now?” Luke hasn’t talked to me since a few months after the accident. He thought I was foolish to throw away my life after what happened. He never had to live through what I did; he still has a happy family. I told him to stay away from me if he didn’t agree with my choice, and since then he has. So why today, why is he here at my door bringing my groceries?
“I came to see how you were, I was stupid to say goodbye like I did and I want to be here for you.”
I grabbed the groceries from him and closed the door abruptly. I let out the breath that I have been holding in and slowly made my way to the kitchen. Why did I do that all I had wanted him to be there for me and as soon as he does I push him out. I left the groceries on the table and went to my bookshelf. I grabbed a worn photo album that had my name on the front in a cursive font and a picture of me. I opened the cover and turned the browning pages to the pictures of Luke and I. We knew each other since we were very little and were inseparable. I shut and pushed the album away from me and went to the door wanting to run out and get him. But, something held me back from stepping outside as if I would die instantly. I had my hand gripped on the knob but I couldn’t get my hand to twist it or even move. It was like my whole arm had completely frozen. I stepped back when the faint knock came back. Had he been standing out there the whole time?
“Please Lynn let me at least come in?”
His response answered my question, he hadn’t left and that made me smile a little. This time I was able to open the door and I stepped back to let him to come inside. I looked down at the uneven wooden floor so I wouldn’t have to look him in the eyes. Silence came over us like a smothering fog that made it hard to breathe. Luke then broke the silence,
“Is that the photo album my mom made for you?”
I could hear in his voice that there was a big smile on his face.
“I was looking at it earlier actually.” I finally looked up at him and his eyes were looking directly into mine. “Luke? What made you come back here?” I spoke in a whisper.
“I don’t know actually, every day since I left you after our fight I thought of coming back but I never did. I never understood why I couldn’t come back but I couldn’t, I was being stubborn I guess. I thought if she actually wanted me as her friend she would have come to me by now. But, you never did and I realized how you really couldn’t come outside. I finally understood how traumatized you were, it took me so long to figure it out. You were alone in this little cabin while I was out there living my life. I guess that’s what broke my heart. After these past few years you had no one to be here for you and that was my fault. I want to be here for you now.”
I had tears coming to my eyes and I hid my face from him. He then lifted my chin with his hand and he whispered,
“I’m so sorry for everything Lynn.”
I then let the tears stream down my face and hugged him. I never realized how lonely I was until that moment. That moment seemed to last forever. One simple hug that I had yearned for, for so many years, I had finally felt like the pieces of my heart were slowly reassembling themselves.
After that day Luke had come to my house almost every day. We would cook, paint, and listen to some of the old records I had, or even just talk for hours. We started to rekindle our friendship and I began to have greater feelings for Luke like I had in the past. I felt more and more confident with each day he came over. At night I became more and more curious of the outdoors which felt like a sin to me. I never knew how one boy could take so much pain away. He made me feel safe.
*1 month later*
As my memories came back to me of that day, now five years ago exactly I can’t help but to feel shattered and cry. Five years ago my whole life was taken away from me, three of my very best friends and role models were taken from me. It feels like a horror movie and I waited for so many miracles hoping for them to come back like in a movie, but it never happened. Reality is like my bully and I wish I never had to meet it. I hear Luke knock on the door midafternoon but I can’t get myself to get up, or even move for that matter. He then lets himself inside, and I can’t see him through my tear-brimmed eyes. He doesn’t say a word but comes over to me and hug me. His hugs always seemed to make me feel a slight bit better.
“I know this is the hardest day for you but, tomorrow is coming and I know your family doesn’t want to see you like this.” Luke spoke up.
“I just wish it was me not them, you don’t understand just leave me alone.” I spoke harshly.
I looked up and his eyes faded and he looked hurt. I tried to grab the words and take them back but they were already said. He got up and quickly walked out slamming the door behind him. I then somehow got a burst of strength; I couldn’t let him leave my life again. I swiftly made my way to the door. I looked out the window that had snow covering the ledge of it. I started sliding on my boots not realizing what I was doing. I then had my hand on the handle of the door. My heart began pounding in my chest like a lone drum playing a fast, loud beat. I brushed the tears off my tear- stained face and pulled open the door. I felt sick but I couldn’t let my only happiness leave. My feet then took over my body as they began running towards Luke’s fading figure in the snow. I couldn’t believe what I was doing with a rush of strength ran through me.
“Luke!” I shouted.
His figure seemed to stop as I came closer to him. He turned around and I could see his piercing blue eyes through the snow that was blanketing the forest floor.
“Lynn what are you doing?”
I then realized that I wasn’t breathing and I took a huge breath before I ran into his arms. He seemed shocked before his arms wrapped around me and the world seemed to stop for that moment in time. I looked up at him and just smiled and he returned the smile.
“I couldn’t let you go; I couldn’t let you leave my life again, I forget everything that has happened to me when I’m with you. I wasted my time on sadness, I smile now and I finally have confidence.” I spoke finally.
He didn’t respond, instead he kissed me and I felt as though my family was looking down at me happy, I felt my life take a step forward from where I was.
In that moment I realized the outdoors could be my heaven on earth.