With her head down, Piper Kensington hurried across campus, unsuccessfully trying to avoid the precipitation falling from an angry-looking sky. As she entered the dining hall, she silently cursed this typical Pennsylvanian weather. Apple in hand, she meandered about, catching snippets of conversation from the strangers around her.
“Ugh! Alex is driving me crazy! We never talk anymore,” a blonde cheerleader groaned to her ditzy friends.
“Who really cares,” Piper wondered to herself, “it’s not as if the relationship is going to last long. They’ll both get drunk on Friday and do something stupid anyways.” It was just another predictable college relationship. Piper continued to wander, looking for her roommate: the closest thing she had to a friend. However, the search was futile as Evelyn was nowhere to be found. After another minute or two in the crowded cafeteria, which reeked of sour milk, Piper headed for her place of solace. The library.
She glanced around, looking for those annoying jocks who made a habit of looking up porn and shouting across the room about the upcoming game. Piper swore that their kindergarten teachers had never taught them about “INDOOR VOICES!” Seeing only a spooky, dark-haired boy his face hidden by uncut locks, and none of the broad-shouldered, testosterone-fueled morons, she snuck to the corner table and pulled out her olive green laptop and a notebook and slid a set of headphones over her once-blonde hair. Piper had barely pressed “play” on her iPod when a gangly, sandy-haired boy streaked through her peripheral vision. Before she had identified the intruder, he dropped a stack of books on the table with a thud, sending loose papers in all directions.
“Is anyone sitting here?” the newcomer asked, gasping for air. It wasn’t a mystery why he was breathless, he’d practically flown into the library. Piper wasn’t fond of strangers, especially those of the whirlwind type.
“Nope,” she replied without glancing up, making a mental note to keep her responses laconic.
“Great. I have this paper to write and it’s due tomorrow. Have you taken Bio with Dr. Crick yet? It’s impossible,” he shot off in a space of about 4.3 seconds.
Piper couldn’t help but gawk. How could a person possibly be so talkative? Did he know her? No way. She kept to herself mostly, and he was completely different from anyone who she would normally hang out with. Still, she peered over the laptop’s screen to admire the boy’s good looks. He had soft brown eyes, honey colored hair, and a clear face. He was about 5’7” and Piper could see the muscles of his arms, not the bulky kind that characterized a football player, but more the corded, gentle ones of someone who was gifted with strength and didn’t have to spend hours in the gym.
“My name’s Evan by the way…Evan Gaeth,” the boy--Evan--said. His voice, rough but still somehow gentle, pulled Piper from her reverie.
“Oh. Um. Well, it’s nice to meet you. Piper Kensington,” she responded, brain on autopilot. Her eyes were wandering around the library and Piper found her gaze landing on the dark haired boy, distracting her momentarily. She faltered when his eyes darted away. He’d been watching her! “What a creep,” she thought. Feeling a faint flush creep up her neck, Piper fought to keep it in check.
“Piper. Cool name,” Evan said, pulling her attention back to what was at hand. Was he still trying to make conversation? She attempted to hold her ground, but Evan reminded her of a sweet little puppy dog, and, before the evening was out, she had found her first friend at Villanova University.
Only a day had passed before Piper and Evan made it a habit to meet in the library during their meal breaks. Unfortunately, that annoying Goth boy was always there too, his loathsome eyes boring into Piper’s conscience. Before long, despite the intruder, Evan knew that Piper was originally from Rhode Island, that her mom was an addict, she hated being the center of attention, and that she was an aspiring lab technician. In an almost complete contrast from her introverted self, Evan was popular and loved life. He played baseball, ran cross country, was an expert pianist, and spent hours with his family each weekend. He was incredible and Piper fell hard.
“Piper, you’re my best friend,” he whispered-the librarian had already shouted at them twice for laughing too much. That vexing boy who, without fail, could ruin her mood, scowled at Piper and Evan from across the room.
“Why? I’m a nobody. I blend in,” she asked.
“You aren’t a nobody.”
“I am. Or, at least, I was.”
“What changed?”
“I met you…”
Now, Piper wasn’t one to share her feelings--being neglected as a child had made it her nature--but something about Evan made her feel alive. She even kind of liked it.
“Will you.. well.. woul- um...Doyawannabemygirlfriend?” Evan stuttered, before spitting out a jumble of words. Piper barely caught what he said, but didn’t waste a second in answering him.
“Of course!” she chirped, her stomach turning in circles as reality hit: did she really have a boyfriend? Was this real life? “Someone pinch me…,” She thought. Was it even legal to be this happy?
“Great,” Evan said with a shy smile. They both returned to their work, glancing up when they thought the other wasn’t looking. Piper didn’t notice the shadowy figure gather his books and drift out.
The weeks slipped away as Piper and Evan’s relationship blossomed, Evan was changing Piper into a contented person. She had friends and had dyed her hair from its harsh, artificial black to a natural, soft blonde and had become comfortable with herself. She smiled more often and even laughed at Evan’s ridiculous jokes. Best of all, Goth Boy was nowhere to be found.
“No! Stop!” Piper squealed as Evan tickled her, inducing another round of giggles. She’d been trying to not laugh at yet another one of his absurd puns. “Hey, Evan,” she whispered, changing the subject, “do you know who that is? At the table to the left? He’s always here.” He must have noticed Goth Boy by now too.
“Hmm.. my left or your left?” he asked, swiveling clumsily in the cushioned chair.
“Mine. Black hair? He always stares at me.”
“Him?” he said, raising a single finger, pointing in the opposite direction.
“Don’t point! Besides, it’s the other left, sweetie,” she giggled.
“I don’t see anyone,” he answered, staring straight at the outsider.
The boy was looking up again, a smug look on his face. “Really? He’s right there,” Piper breathed.
“Umm.. maybe you need your eyes checked, Piper,” Evan spun around again, a concerned look on his face. Seeing her skeptical expression, he backpedaled, “You’re probably tired,” he glanced at his watch, “it is almost midnight after all.”
“You’re right. I was probably just..seeing things,” Piper muttered, unsure. The couple pecked each other on the cheek before heading to their separate dorms. With every step, Piper questioned herself. Was she hallucinating? That boy was real! She wasn’t crazy. Or was she?
Half a dozen more blissful weeks passed and Piper forgot all about the slight dispute. Then, the unexpected happened.
“Umm.. honey, we need to talk,” Evan murmured as they sat in the Quad under an oak tree. The wind was teasing Piper’s hair, tickling the nape of her neck and tossing leaves around. She reached for Evan’s hand and he pulled it away roughly, his eyes clouding over.
“What’s wrong?”
“Well, I um.. I d- I don’t think this is gonna work out.”
“What isn’t going to work?” Piper inquired, forehead furrowed, as her mouth slid into the same frown that she had worn months ago.
“Us.”
“I don’t.. think I.. understand?”
“I’m breaking up with you Piper,”
“Why?” she managed, voice cracking and tears forming in her eyes.
“Well, hun, I mean… You’re just too...dark? Don’t take that the wrong way! I don’t mean it like that! What I mean is, yes, you’ve changed, but I’m afraid that deep down, you’ll always be the same harsh, negative person you were when we first met,” He stumbled over himself, trying to turn thoughts to words.
“Why?” Piper asked again, choking on her tears.
“It’s not that I don’t like you! And we can still be friends.. I just don’t see this going anywhere. It’s not as if we were going to get married. I mean, can you imagine?” he chuckled at his joke.
Suddenly, Piper could understand all those movies, books and conversations that had seemed so pointless at the time. Heartbreak was real. As real as the salt in the ocean, or the dirt sticking to her shoes. Except, heartbreak was nothing like she’d imagined. Having your heart broken was like drowning, but everyone around you can still breathe. It was losing your best friend, lover and well, everything- all in one simple sentence. Piper could even understand the abhorrence of the phrase, “let’s still be friends.” NO WE CAN’T BE FRIENDS! YOU JUST SNAPPED MY SOUL IN HALF!
Tears marred her vision, and Piper raced away, not caring where she ended up, as long as it was away from here.
“Wait! Piper! Where are you going? I’m sorry!” the words seemed to echo in the Quad. The cold, empty stone walls taunted Piper in her misery.
She ran and ran, wheezing for oxygen and relishing the pains that shot through her body the farther she went. At least she knew what was causing those. At least she could control them.
Without realizing where she was headed, Piper found herself at the Country Club, almost a mile away from campus. She was gasping for air now, her legs felt rubbery, and she could feel the tears, hot and briny, streaming down her face. Piper slowed to a walk, but stopped in her tracks when she saw a figure, gloomy and mysterious, sitting on the crest of a dune. She turned to leave, not wanting to talk to anyone right now, but before she got the chance, the outsider called out to her.
“Piper Kensington. It’s nice to finally meet you.”
Suddenly, the tears stopped and a look of bewilderment appeared on Piper’s face. Who was it? “How does he know me?” she questioned.
“You’re probably wondering who I am,” he said, reading her mind. “The name’s Kyran.”
He turned around, facing her. “It’s him! It’s Goth Boy!” her brain stuttered. Piper inhaled sharply as his obsidian eyes locked with hers. It was as if Kyran was staring into her soul, reading her every thought.
Petrified, Piper found it physically impossible to avert his gaze. A shiver tore through her body, and she miraculously regained movement, managing to tear her eyes away from his. She began to notice other things about him. Kyran was slender, and had a sort of magical grace about his movements. His face, however, was a completely different story. His eyes were sunken deep into his head, and heavy eyebrows seemed only to obscure them more. His thin mouth was in a permanent smirk, and a crooked nose only contributed to an ominous aura.
“Why are you here? Did you follow me? Who are you?” the questions leapt off her tongue.
“Don’t be scared. I’ve been with you forever…watching you, listening to you. I know everything about you Piper.”
She set her jaw, defiant. Kyran took this as a challenge.
“I know how lonely you’ve felt. But, it is all your fault you know.. that nobody loves you I mean.”
Piper stood in the sand trap. Frozen. How could he really know her?
“Nobody ever really cared about Piper Kensington. She was just there. A wallflower. It all started with your mother.. poor kid. You never had a chance. Momma was high your whole childhood. She never hugged you, kissed you. How could she? Sickly little waif that you were.. Oh and what about Daddy?” he jeered, tone malevolent.“Gone every weekend. Probably sleeping with a different hooker every night, for all you know…”
Piper sank to her knees, hands over her mouth, whimpering.
“It’s true isn’t it? Then came Elementary School. All those cute notebooks and hair bows and all you had was a dingy sweater. No friends. Just a sad little girl, looking for love. But you didn’t get it then either. Nooo… Poor Piper, Junior High was probably the worst, all that judgement is hard on a kid with a stable family. It’s almost a miracle you didn’t kill yourself. Do you remember when you found out that all your ‘friends’ hated you? HA! Me too! Oh, I laughed so hard. You were heartbroken! And all for what? ‘Piper’s poor, she’s ugly, she’s pregnant,’ rumors spread like wildfire. You transferred for High School. Everyone thought it’d be a fresh start, a new beginning. We both know it only got worse. That’s when the cutting started,” he paused.
Unconsciously, Piper pulled up the sleeve of her sweater to feel the jagged scars that snaked up and down her milky skin.
“Everyone looks forward to college, even the cute little Christian girls who want to start up another prayer group. Young adults, drugs, parties, artificial love. But you didn’t even try. You’d given up! Finally. And then, without even trying, love found, YOU! It took ‘till age 19 before you found that. Must be a new record! But, it was just a few short months before you managed to ruin that too.”
“I- I- I didn’t ruin that. Evan loved me.”
“Ahh yes. He loved you. But he doesn’t anymore, does he? What’d you do this time?”
“Nothing! I swear! Just leave me alone!” Piper squawked. The tears had started again.
“Why? Right now, you have a companion. I’d hate to lose that if I were you.”
Piper stood up and turned back towards Villanova-it was getting light now. Had she really been out all night? Suddenly, Kyran was at her side, groping for her shoulder. She spun around to face him.
“Ouch!”
“That was nothing compared to what’s in here,” he gestured to her heart.
“GET AWAY FROM ME!” Piper roared, breaking into yet another sprint.
Kyran loped easily after her.
“GO AWAY!”
“I’m always here, Piper. No matter how hard you try to push me away,” he responded calmly.
“NO! I HATE YOU!” she stopped, coming to the realization that she was standing knee-deep in a water hazard, shouting at her very own reflection. Her hair, filthy and lank, framed a blotched, crimson facet, tears forming tiny valleys in her cheeks, washing away the dirt and grime. Piper reached up and touched her face. Could this unfortunate girl really be her? Suddenly, her heart surged, the sound of an electric motor startling her.
“Umm.. excuse me ma’am, but, can I help you with something?” an elderly gentleman asked, climbing off his golf cart, club in hand.
Piper glanced around, bewildered, looking for Kyran. “Have you seen a guy.. with dark..hair?”
He studied her, and with a puzzled countenance, answered, “Not so far. But it’s early. Maybe he hasn’t gotten here yet?”
Piper hastily pivoted, stalking away, feeling defeated and perplexed. The man stared after her.
Returning to campus, Piper headed for her dorm, ready to sleep the day away, not caring about her classes. As she entered the Quad, her gaze fastened on the dark figure beside Evan. It was Kyran!
“What are you doing here?! I told you to leave me alone!” she hollered at Kyran as she stormed over to the pair. The heads of students nearby turned to see what the commotion was about.
“Piper, hold on. What are you doing? You were the one who ran away from me last night.. Listen, I’m really sorry, but I think-” Evan said, surprised at her outburst.
“Be quiet. Where’d he go?” she swiveled. How had Kyran disappeared yet again?
“Where’d who go? It’s just me,”
“Kyran. He was just here!”
“No. Nobody was here.. Who’s Kyran?” Evan wondered aloud, looking puzzled.
“Yes he was!” Piper insisted, “Wasn’t he?” She muttered, this time more to to herself.
Kyran had to be here somewhere.
Abruptly, Piper remembered that day in the library when she’d pointed Kyran out to Evan. He hadn’t seen him. Just as he hadn’t noticed Kyran only moments ago. “What if, he really isn’t real?” she murmured. “What if he only exists in-in me?” she stopped, holding her breath, finally understanding.
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Piper stood still for what seemed like hours, only the far-off chime of a class bell awoke her from her trance. She glanced around the Quad, then bolted back to her dorm, slamming the door behind her. She crawled to the bed, clutching a pillow to her chest and weaving icy fingers up and down her rugged forearms. Every breath came in an uneven gasp--crying, but without the tears. Hundreds of thoughts and memories flowed, unfiltered, through Piper’s mind.
“Is it really my fault?” she wondered aloud, remembering Kyran’s unkind words.
It can’t be. Evan loved me. He said it himself, but, I guess he’s right… I am too negative. Kyran proved that to me too. I’m lonely. I hate myself. And because of it, I hurt everyone around me. I have no friends because I push them away. I’m afraid of being hurt again. I’m bitter, torn and broken. How different would life be if that wasn’t true? Piper thought as her body relaxed for the first time in days. I can do this. I can be a better person. Please, Lord, help me change, She pleaded.
With that promise, a pair of heavy eyelids fell. Piper hadn’t ended her chapter of self-hate and destruction, she had only opened herself up to help and change. It was the first step of a long journey, but she had begun.