I close my eyes and count to ten. Before I open them, I think of the things I want see. I want to be in band. I want to have Benjamin at my side, and Nicole and Conner on the other side of me, and I want Natalie and Ethan next to them. I want Gonzo to be at the front of the room, and I want Mark to be next to me. I want Abby to be smiling behind me, punching Bruno who has his arm draped around Ashley. Justin would be on the other side of Ashley, pointing and laughing at Bruno. Jared would be making jokes with Dakota and Taft.

I open my eyes.

I am not in band. I am not with my friends, and I am not with Benjamin. I am in a hospital room. White is everywhere. My head is aching from all the white. There is a steady beeping, proving that the lump of my heart is still beating, for now.

The clock reads 2:15. Right now, Gonzo or Marston is telling the band what is going on with me. Mom decided to hold off until now. I wonder what they will all think. I wonder if they’ll cry. I wonder if they’ll care.

I lay back and close my eyes. I think of all the things I’d rather be doing. I think of all the things in the future I’ll miss. I’ll miss walking down the aisle in a white dress, and along with that I’ll miss dancing to “Cinderella” with my dad. I’ll miss owning a house. I’ll miss becoming a nurse. I’ll miss going to college. I’ll miss having kids.

There’s a knock at the door. I sit up and look at the clock. It’s 3:30. Hm... I must’ve fallen asleep. I run my fingers through my hair. I haven’t bothered combing it, and mom hasn’t yelled at me for it, so I’m just not going to. But, I don’t want it to look like I jumped out of an airplane. I allow them to come in as I am fixing my bangs over my face.

The door silently opens. I remember that feeling. That feeling of walking into a hospital room to visit a family member or friend. It’s a feeling of sadness. You know that the person you will see in the bed is in very bad shape, you’ll never know what you’ll see. What I have never experienced before is the feeling of the person in the bed. In the bed, I am excited to see who is here. I am excited to see whoever it is, for they have pulled me out of this sad, lonely room.

A pair of brown eyes poke out and around the door. The rest of the body shortly follows, and in comes Natalie, pulling a Ethan behind her. After Natalie comes Conner and Nicole. They stand at the foot of the bed, smiling, but also, holding back tears.

“Hey guys,” I smile. “I’ve missed you.”

Natalie smiles. No one says anything, the only sound is the BEEP BEEP BEEPing of my heart beat. After 36 heartbeats, Natalie rushes up to me.

She climbs into the bed and wraps her arms around me. She hides her face in my golden brown hair and cries. After three heartbeats, I start to cry with her. After seven more, Nicole hugs the other side of me, her makeup spearing down her face. After eight heartbeats, Conner and Ethan join in, not crying, but with stern faces. We stay like that for 26 and a half heartbeats, until Natalie pulls away, causing everyone else to.

“I’m sorry,” Natalie says, wiping her eyes.

“Oh, it’s fine,” I say. “Happens to everyone.”

“I just can’t believe it,” she continues, her voice starting to crack. “I can’t believe that you have cancer...”

“I can’t either, honey. But I can feel it in me. It’s charging through my veins like a bull. I wish I could stop it, but I can’t, no matter how hard I try.”

Silence for five heartbeats.

“Is Benjamin..?” I begin.

“He’s parking the car,” Conner answered.

Almost exactly 3 heartbeats after he said that, there was a knock at the door. My heartbeat pace sped up a tiny bit. I say “Come in” and my voice was six octaves higher than it should be.

Benjamin walks through the door. Even though the room is full of sadness and loss, I smile. My eyes meet his, and my heartbeat speeds up even more. He walks directly to me, and kisses my nose.

My heart completely skipped a beat. After it recovered, it was going 90 miles a minute. Benjamin turned his lips up in a smile. My smile, the smile that he only gives me.

“Hi,” I smile, ignoring the highness of my voice.

“Hello there,” he says. His beautiful pale blue eyes are red in color. There are almost invisible lines running down his face. The hand that is not propping him above me is balled in a fist by his side.

“I brought cards,” Nicole said breaking the silence. “I’m assuming the cafeteria has spoons,”

I play spoons with my best friends for the rest of the day. I won almost every game, and that did not happen on purpose. After they leave (around 9:30) I close my eyes, and think of all the good things of the day.

- - - -

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Adaline Marie Weingartner

Adaline (Addie) Marie Weingartner passed away this evening at 9:39 pm. Adaline was born on May 25th 1998. She was 14 years old, a freshman in high school. She was a two year member in the Talawanda Marching Band. Adaline had lung cancer. The service will be held on Friday, January 25, 10:30 am at Faith Church of Millville.

- - - - -

I close my eyes and count to ten. I think of all the fun things that have happened. When I open my eyes, I am somewhere else. I look down, and I see Benjamin, looking up and smiling. I take a breath and walk towards the light, a single tear running down my face. Can dead girls cry?