Bam! Bam! That’s all I hear when my father’s fist meets my face. Crash, bang, bang, when he throws me against the wall. Zing, as I slide to the floor, crying. I don’t know why, but every time this happens, I cry. I know crying will never stop him. I have become numb to the physical pain, but the emotional pain still burns throughout me. I am lying on the ground , face up.
“ Don’t you ever speak to me like that, in this household!” my father screams, spit flying from his mouth like a dragon spits fire.
“All I asked was why you weren’t home last night.” I stammered, shaking with fear. The hot tears pour down my face. As a kid I never knew why all the kids looked at me strange when I told them that my dad hit me for crying.
Bam! There was another smack.
“Don’t you dare talk to me like that. You have know need to know my business!”
I decided it was best I stop talking. He got up off of me and stood in silence. I went to my room and poured the tears that no longer meant anything. I sat until my dad came knocking on the door again. Coming to apologize.


The next day my dad did as he normally did. He was as nice as could be. Every time after he hits me, he cries and says he never means to hurt me. He tells me, about when he was a kid his dad would beat him. He says that I don’t deserve a father like him and that he should leave and never come back. I have to act like I’m not upset about what he just did. I sat it’s all okay and that I don’t want him to leave. I don’t want him to leave. I really do love my father. I mean of course… he’s my father. My mom lives separately. She left him about two years ago. She couldn’t take it anymore. I stay with my dad because he is the only bit of family I have left. Even though he’s around, I always feel alone.

The next day my friends and I went outside the mall to smoke cigarettes.

“ Hey Leslie, I found you the boy toy you’ve been looking for,” Jackie joked.

“I’m sure you have,” I say as I chuckled. I’ve never really had good luck with boys. I always end up with jerks that are too self absorbed to notice I’m even around. All I am is an object to them. I am not a person with feelings to boys.

“His name is Jake and he’s perfect for you. He’s hot, no joke,” she laughs.

“I’m sure he is.”

“Will you please just give him a chance?” Jackie asked with puppy dog eyes, “If you don’t take him I will,” she warned, laughing.

“Fine!” I exclaimed.


I met Jake. He’s amazing. He’s everything my father isn’t. He’s nice, considerate, gorgeous, and most importantly, he holds the door open for me. That’s something I’ve only ever seen in movies. He took me out to dinner at the local diner. We talked for hours. I have no curfew. My dad never notices or cares when I come home. Normally he’s out later then I am. My dad is a big time gambler. I think it’s what keeps his mind busy from thinking about all his mistakes. Jake just seems perfect. When he pulled up to my house he came around the car, and opened the door for me. He pulled me close to him. His breath smelled of alcohol, but I didn’t care.
He whispered, “ You’re beautiful, you know that don’t you?”
“ I guess,” I mumble trying to bury my head in my shoulder.
“ Well anyone that hasn’t told you that is crazy,” Jake said flirtatiously, as his mouth got closer to mine. He stared into my eyes. I couldn’t help myself. I wanted to freeze-frame this moment forever. I wanted to stay in his arms forever. He pulled me even closer until his lips met mine. His arms around my waist.
This is heaven? I thought to myself.


When I got inside, my perfect, sunny day was ruined. Apparently my dad didn’t want to go to the casino that night. He started screaming at me about how I shouldn’t stay out late. How boys are just going to hurt me. All I could think is, You are a man and you hurt me. I, of course, didn’t say that out loud. All of a sudden, BAM! There it was again. The pain electrocuted my insides. It was no longer sunny. It was dark.
I’ve been hanging out with Jake for the past three weeks non- stop. I am sure to get home early. But even when I get home early, my dad finds some reason to get angry with me. I don’t know if I can take this anymore. Now that I’ve experienced real love, I don’t know if I can pretend to love a man who throws me to the ground and kicks me while I’m down. The other night Jake told me he loved me. I’ve never felt that way ever. That moment was better than heaven.


I’m going over to Jake’s house tonight. Jackie is taking me and then she is going to ‘get it on’ with her boyfriend. He is like a drug I am hooked on.
When I get to Jake’s house he’s on drugs, literally. I don’t know what to do. He’s acting really strange. He seems angry. He keeps saying that everything is wrong. We go up to his room. I can tell he’s trying to act sober. But it’s not working. He starts kissing me, hard. It’s not like the first kiss. It was gross, angry, and forced. He slides his hand on my knee and works his way up my thigh. I push him away.
“ Stop it Jake! You’re high. I don’t want to do this.”
“ You will do what I want. This isn’t your choice anymore,” He barks, his eyes blood shot.
“ I am a woman. You can’t speak to me like this. That’s it, I’m leaving,” I declare with anger rather than hurt.
BAM! BAM! BAM! I’m on the floor. I am in shock. I can’t even speak. The words have been ripped from my mouth and thrown away. He stares at me, anger in his eyes. I start crying. I can’t stop. I love him. He yells at me to stop crying. He’s there. His skin is hot. His body weighs against mine. I scream. He puts his hand over my mouth and tells me it’s all okay. I. need. To. Leave.


When he’s done, I run home only to have my dad beat me for being late. I can’t do this. Why did God make my life like this? I think that when God creates a batch of humans he has to make one have a bad life to even everything out. I am that one. I want to disappear. If I am gone, I won’t be able to feel the pain anymore. The excruciating pain will be gone. I will be at peace. If I’m lucky will actually be in heaven. This world I live in isn’t heaven. It never will be. This is and always will be hell.

Jake hasn’t stopped calling me. I listen to his voice mails. He keeps saying he’s so sorry and that he was just high. He can’t undo what he did. After his seventy-fifth call, I decide to call him back.
“Leslie, I am so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. I was high. I love you so much. I can’t be without you.”
He is frantic. I can tell he’s upset. The words are familiar. My dad says them every time after he hits me. After a long time of us going back and forth about how what he did was wrong, I decide to forgive him. I love him so much. I’ve never felt this way before. He was high. He didn’t know what he was doing.


I’m going to Jake’s house again tonight. Hopefully it won’t end up like it did last time. He’s being so nice to me. All he does is say how much he loves me. He starts to cry. We sit in his bed. He holds me but he does not try anything. This is the Jake I know. This is the Jake I want to know even more.


Jake and I have been all right, lately. He is so nice to me. He is the same guy that kissed me, the first time. I’m going over again. When I get there I immediately recognize the look on his face. It’s the same as that night. He’s high. It’s like a repeat of that night. He’s trying to act sober. He falls over the coffee table in his living room. I try to help him up. All he does is yell at me leave him alone. He tells me what a horrible person I am. The words spit out of his mouth like my father’s. I shake with fear. I know what coming.

BAM! BAM! BAM! ZING! ZING! ZING! I’m lying on the floor covering my face. He stands over me.
“Please Jake, please. Don’t do this. This isn’t you.”
BAM! There it goes again. My mouth is now dripping red. I cry so hard.
CRASH! My face stings with pain. He’s there again. He’s heavy. He’s on top of me. Get. Him. Off.


He gets off of me. I lay there naked on the floor. I can’t take this anymore. Something strong comes over me. I rip myself up off of the floor. I gather my clothes and run. I’m going so fast I can’t feel my feet. I stop at a cross walk. I pull up the dial pad on my phone and click three buttons.
“9-1-1 what’s your emergency?”


Last night was crazy. I saw bright colors whizzing by me. I heard sirens. I answered questions. Last night I made the decision that I should have made a long time ago. I will not be like my mother. I will not be a coward and run away. This is my life. I can choose what do with it. I can’t change what has happened to me but I can change how I react. I am strong. I am powerful. My life doesn’t have to be the way it has been. I am very upset. Not only did Jake get arrested, so did my father. I thought that I should do that for my mother. Although she left me, I thought that this was the least I could do for her. She was too scared but I am not. I talked to my dad earlier today. He told me he loves me and that he deserves this. I know he’s angry with me. I’m sure I would get a massive beating if he were home right now. I haven’t spoken to Jake. I don’t want to.


I’ve learned so much. This world is not hell. It is not heaven either. But I like to think that heaven is something I have to look forward to. I will no longer be the victim. I will be tough. I’ve learned that life is rough but giving up is not an option for me. I would miss so much. I would miss the beautiful life I have ahead of me. This life that will lead to heaven.