I flop down over my comforter hugging the photograph tightly to my chest. My hands don’t seem to want to let it go. I could just get rid of it, but I want to see it once more. I just can’t get my body to cooperate. My thoughts drift back to April 3rd 2013; somewhere I vowed never to let them go again.
Sam was lying on his bed, staring into space. I crept up to his doorway and watched him. Having never seen him so worried or sad, I called out.
“Sam, are you okay?”
He turned his head to face me and forced a smile. “Oh, hi Sadie.” His smile wavered. “What’s up?”
“You look sad Sammy. What’s wrong?” I asked. My heart squeezed with worry.
“Oh nothing, I’m just thinking, I had a bad day that’s all. You should get some sleep, you have school tomorrow don’t you?” He replied a bit too quickly.
“Yes, but you do too!”
“Oh yeah...that’s right. Okay well, I’ll see you in the morning then. Good night.” With that he slipped under his covers and turned away.
“Um, okay, good night.” I said, still worried about my brother. I flicked off the light switch and tiptoed away, stopping for a minute to look back. What is wrong, why is my twin so sad? All I wished was that I knew what was wrong so that I could help him.
The next morning when I woke up I had forgotten entirely about last night, so I started to get ready for school as usual. It was Monday, which I hated, so I took my time, not caring whether I would be late or not. My mom wouldn’t even notice if I missed a whole week of school, she’s much too busy worrying about herself to care. By the time I was ready to go, I was already about fifteen minutes late, but I hadn’t heard Sam leave, so I would still be able to get a ride from him, as I always did. I found it very unfair that he had passed his driver’s test last month and I hadn’t, which made me demand him for rides almost every day.
I walked down the hall to his room singing to myself. I was in a good mood that morning, or I was until I walked into Sam’s room. I never knocked before coming in, which annoyed him immensely, but this time, there was no one there to yell at me. There was only a small note perched on his neatly made bed. I quickly grabbed and unfolded it. It read:
Dear Sadie,
At least I’m guessing it’s you reading this, mom probably won’t notice that I’m gone. So, this is my note. I couldn’t stay here anymore. It was all too much to handle. I am so sorry to leave you like this, with no warning. I love you Sis, please don’t stop living your life the way you already were, and I will see you soon.
-Love, Sam

I had had reread the note about five times before it all sunk in. Sam was gone. I collapsed on his fresh smelling carpet and cried for hours.
* * *
Suddenly, I bring myself back to the present and find that I am staring at the photograph. It’s of a young boy and girl, they have their arms around each other and are smiling. Their smiles are so big, they have no care in the world. They are happy. The sun is bright. It washes out most of their features except for their bright blond hair and sea green eyes, which could stand out next to anything. These kids are Sam and I. The inseparable twins.

It’s not until I touch my fingers to my cheek do I realise that I am crying. Tears flow from my eyes. I am unable to control them, so I just lay there and let them out. Once they have run dry, I slowly step down from my bed, the photo still clutched in my hand. I pull open the drawer of my bedside table harshly and take out my mom’s cigarette lighter which I had stolen from her room earlier today. The photo is in one hand, the lighter in the other, and I stand over my trash can for a moment before clicking the lighter on and touching it to the photograph. I drop them both into the garbage and watch as the fire disappears, along with the photo, forever.

I kick the trash can, angry for the first time since Sam died. I’m mad at myself. I’m mad at Sam. I’m mad at the world for making such horrible things possible. Though, most of all, I’m furious at whoever made Sam do this to himself. I kick, over and over. The trash can has toppled over and moved halfway across the room, and only then do I stop. I spot something out of the corner of my eye. Through my rage I didn’t see the piece of paper folded and crumpled on the floor, beneath where the garbage can was sitting seconds before. What caught my eye about this paper was the color. It was the exact same kind of paper that Sam’s suicide note was written on.

I dive for it and kneel on the floor, my hands fumbling, trying to unfold it. I pause for a moment and think. Could this just be the same note that I had found all those months ago, and it just ended up under my trash can somehow? No, of course not, the police took that note as evidence. So, what could this be? I tug the paper over my leg to flatten it a little before starting to read.

Dear Sadie.
I hope you find this soon, because I need your help. I know you are probably angry, but I guess that is what led you to finding this, isn’t it?

He knew me too well.

So first of all, I need to tell you this. I never did commit suicide. I am so sorry to make you go through all of that crap. I wasn’t lying though, when I said that I couldn’t stay here anymore. That was the truth, and here is my reason. There was a boy, around our age who was threatening me, telling me that if I didn’t leave he would… kill you. I couldn’t let that happen so I had to do what he said. I will tell you more once you are here, but for now that’s all you need to know. I will see you soon Sadie.
-Love, Sam
I shudder. This is all too much. Sam is alive. I want to cry again, but I have already cried all my tears for today. I flip the page over and there are some instructions. Oh my god. I’d better hurry…
* * *
I stumble along the sidewalk, my black bag in tow. I swipe a glance at my watch and quicken my pace. I only have ten minutes until the ship takes off. I turn the corner and see the ocean. It’s very calm today. The water shimmers as if someone had sprinkled fairy dust all over. I walk closer and can now see the huge ship. It is one made for carrying freight. There are hundreds of multicolored crates, being stacked over the whole back of the ship by cranes. I set my bag down, pull on the zipper of my thin jacket pocket and reach around for Sam’s note. I read the instructions over once more to confirm my plan.

As I approach the ship, I look around for anyone who could spot me hopping onto the ship. All I see in terms of danger are the people loading the crates onto the ship, though they will be easy to avoid. I see the pile of crates separating the people and the ship and run towards them. When I arrive I squat down behind one that has only about two feet of water separating it and the dock of the ship. An easy jump.
I take a few deep breaths and place my bag by my feet, taking care not to let it tumble into the water below. I close my eyes and try to relax. I’ve been nervous all day, worrying about every little thing that could go wrong and I still haven’t stopped. What if I am found by one of the crew on board? Will my brother’s directions be easy enough to follow, or will I get lost?

“HONK, HONK!”

Oh crap. The ship is pulling away from the docking area, the gap between us quickly expanding. The two feet jump turns into three, then four. I grab my bag and spring to my feet. I’m about to jump before making the mistake of looking down. The water rushes beneath me, crashing into the rocks, threatening to envelope me into its currents. This can’t be happening. If I don’t go now, I will never get the chance, and I will have let my brother down.
Courage suddenly wells up inside of me and I make the leap in one swift motion. At that moment time seems to slow down. I feel the cool air against my cheeks. Birds fly overhead, their song as beautiful as it has always been. I’m almost enjoying it, until the impact. My body slams onto the deck and my legs scramble to right myself again. I look up and see the door to the engine room. Perfect. I race towards it and pull it open, praying that no one noticed me. I close it quietly behind me as I step into the dark room. My legs give out from under me and soon I am lying on the cold cement floor, my heart pounding.