I sat down the first day and didn’t notice you at all. Just a boy who happened to be stuck sitting next to me. My object of affection was somewhere else thinking of some other girl and some party he probably went to. She was probably pretty, thin and s***ty of course, the kind of girl he would want. They were probably drinking too, dancing if you call what people do now dancing, and finally kissing. That type of guy was really familiar to me popular, partier, beautiful and horrible all in one. I thought about him for weeks dissecting his every action and word trying to put meaning behind each gesture. But the truth was there was no meaning, whatever he did, he just did because he did it. It took a while to realize that but once I did things suddenly became good again, normal. Then one day we were in class, I turned to look at the board and there you were. I thought how I could have not noticed you before. Honestly you’re beautiful, your eyes are incredible, and they are so bright but I could tell they were hiding something. All of a sudden I decided I wanted to know everything about you. What was wrong? What was right? A mystery I wanted to solve on my own, to discover every part of you. I wasn’t sure if it was all in my head or if maybe it was real, maybe I was put there and you were put there for a reason. Maybe what I always thought was a lie was true, what if when you see the “one” you just know it. I didn’t have to say anything and neither did you because I just knew. I knew it because even though we never spoke all the guys I use to think were “perfect” or “gorgeous” suddenly weren’t they were just people who were there like everyone else. I knew it because I would get excited and nervous to see you even though I didn’t know you. I knew it because I was so afraid to talk to you for fear of ruining you and this, this private thing I felt. I guess I just wasn’t ready because what would happen if you turned out to be everything I wished for but then what if I was right all along and everything was just in my head. Or even worse you had someone else your very own object of affection. My friend was right you have eyes too and every girl around was so much more beautiful, and deep inside me I knew you saw it too. If everything turned out perfectly and as everything I wanted we would have clicked immediately. Our high school sweetheart bullshit would have started and I would have been overwhelmed. I don’t think my heart could have taken it because it would have swelled up, and all of a sudden I would start caring again. Something I had tried to prevent for so long. Then if you were just disinterested I’d realize it was all in my head and I truly was losing it. Finally and most terribly if someone else was who you wanted I think I would finally just give up. Maybe I didn’t deserve anyone at all, maybe that was the way it was really meant to be. So I did what I do best, I hid behind a book, a journal and behind a mask. A mask of a girl who cares about nothing and acts like she’s above everyone else because she knows she’s so far from it.

I saw you stare at the clock constantly during class. Why did you want to leave so badly? Where did you want to be? What were you waiting for? Who did you need to see so badly? All I could think was whatever you were so anxious to go do or whoever you were so anxious to see I just wanted it to be me. Then I looked at you and was suddenly embarrassed I felt like you could hear that I was thinking about you. Could you? I wasn’t sure if mind readers existed but in that moment I felt like I was in a room full of them.