Larva
“I dare you to swallow this,” Reptar dangled a caterpillar in front of my face. I took a long drag on my cigarette and then tossed it in the water. The five of us sat on a ledge over a nasty infested creek behind the old warehouse, exchanging cheap jokes and some talk about babes.
I snatched the critter from Reptars bony, veiny hands.

“Bottoms up!” I tossed it down my throat. The tall twins went mad with laughter. Reptar stretched his villainous smile wide. The horizon line meeting with the creek was turning a light tangerine and the subtle waves started to sink away from our feet dangling over the edge. I announced I had to go because my sister would start getting worried. I thought about the caterpillar in my belly now. Poor critter never got to metamorphosis.

I walked home with Reptar alone, the blonde identical twins Gus and Dex were planning to stay up all night and sleep under the archway in the park. They did that often and their parents couldn’t stop fighting long enough to notice. Tomato Soup was a young kid, and he’d left earlier to get home to his loving parents. I pitied the kid.

Reptar was something of a God and a demon. He had long thin legs and he wore all black always. He said it makes it easier for him to slip around and not get noticed. He had 20 different pairs of black oxford shoes. He enjoyed black coffee and grapefruit and he always had to walk in front of you even if it was just the two of you. He wouldn’t even bother to look back and look at you while you talked. I’ve never been inside his home, but I’d imagine the walls of his room plated with stolen gold and assault rifles.
We split ways at the corner, nodding each other goodbye, for now, at least.




I walked in my apartment to a sight I’d came home to every night since middle school. My kid sister lay on the oatmeal colored (and smelling) couch and my mother cried at the dining room table. I plopped down next to my sis and she turned away from Saved by the Bell to smile with her purple and pink braces at me, “What’s she cryin’ about this time, Beth?”

“She couldn’t reach the highest cupboard to get the soup and so she didn’t make dinner and she didn’t even think to ask me to help her,” Elizabeth shrugged.


My dark skinned mother had her head in her hands and had on her autism spectrum awareness shirt on, from last years walk. I sighed, disgusted, and made Elizabeth and I some grilled cheese sandwiches. My mother trudged into her room and fell asleep.

I heard gunshots out the window and wished I was in the action. I loved the streets, not just because it’s all I’ve ever known, it made me feel apart of something, I never had a family structure because of my mom’s illness and my dad’s neglect. Being apart of a gang made me feel adopted into something loving and beautiful. Elizabeth was the only reason holding me back from leaving this god damn beaten down apartment and never looking back.


I looked at Elizabeth eating her dinner and I saw flashes of myself. Not exactly myself, she was a walking manifestation of the parts of me I repress. Her golden brown eyes held the innocence I strived to diminish. We were both half black and half white but she was darker than I was. I was basically pale. Under her skin she had the mind of a great student and was type of person who saw the reality in all. When she went to the supermarket for meat, she’d scream she could see eyes in the pork chops. My sister would demand they cut out the eyes before they give it to us. The butcher would shake his head and make-believe he was cutting them out.




I fell asleep at the same time as Beth but on cue woke up an hour later, I do this always. I tip toed out of our apartment. I didn’t walk lightly past my mother’s room-she was too dumb to pay attention to footsteps. I grabbed my leather jacket with “BRANDO,” my nickname, written in sharpie on the inside.

My friends were all lounging waiting for me. Tomato Soup grabbed my neck playfully and smooshed up my already shaggy brown hair. Reptar leaped from my stoop. We all walked our usual route- Gus or Dex-I can’t really tell between them- nagged a bike with the wire cutters that I think are embedded in their palms. We walked down the alley behind the Murrays’ knick-knack store- and all sat against the dumpster. Reptar pulled from his coat a plastic baggy with crank in it. It wasn’t often I did this sort of thing; It upset Elizabeth intensely. But I cleared my mind of all that and I inhaled the good stuff and thought about how much I loved life.


I lived fearlessly and without consequence, we never got caught for anything and nothing bad seemed to happen from our fun. It was all just fun after all. We all got up simultaneously and wandered around hitting each other and making jokes. We were like a walking orb of light- separating the darkness as it hid under the pavement to make way for us. We were the epitome of mother’s worst nightmares and I loved it.


It was around 2:45 that we stumbled into our rivals. They all looked awkward with long necks and big noses. They didn’t like us. My eyes met the eyes of the leader- Tate- with the blonde hair and sunken eyes. We’d been sworn enemies since the 7th grade, when he’d exiled me from his friend group, leaving me to stumble right into Reptar and his family of boys.



Tate pushed me against a wall. “Look who it is, I could snap your neck- Brando Castor. Mark my words.” Tomato shoved Tate off of me and I caught my breath after his clammy hands had circled around my throat.



Reptar stood unimpressed- filing his nails. He warned, “You’d better back off, Flamingoes, if you had the right mind set- that is.”

Some tall dark haired boy chimed in from behind 2 of them, “Never! This is our territory now.”

“Your territory? I’ll show you who’s territory this is Haha!” Dex screamed.

Gus verbally agreed, “I’ll beat you guys up if you don’t scat. Haha!” They all wanted our block- the block with the alley behind the knickknack shop and the Jordans slung over telephone wires and the empty dumpster we sit in sometimes.

“Lets battle it out then, comrades, lets bring em’ a circus. Tomorrow. 3 o’ clock. Here,” I stated, eyeing Reptar for approval. He nodded. So that was that. We walked opposite directions and the plan was set. No guns, but no holding back.



I anxiously waited on the trouble bench the next afternoon- I sat myself there- I’d beat the crap out of some kid for fun


No! Please Brandon don’t do that! No Please Please just let me get dressed and get to class

As if loser. Bend over so I can get a better target.

Are you gonna? No!! Please don’t whip me with your belt Please!

I SAID BEND OVER

AHHHHHHH
A new face appeared from behind the door for me- a small Asian lady scurried towards me and told me to come with her into her office. Her office smelt of vanilla air freshener and blood. She talked really quirkily but solemnly and for a change an adult did not yell at me. She didn’t mention the boy who I hit on the butt with my belt 10 times. She asked me about my feelings. She gave me a pamphlet- ANGER IN ADOLESCENTS. At some point in her speech she told me she loved me. I never even met this lady and she loved me? How come people toss around that so much? I only love 2 people. Elizabeth and my boys- we all counted as one. She handed me another pamphlet- damn does this lady think I’m gonna read these? LEAPING FROM THE STREETS TO SUCCESS. I didn’t wanna leap away from the streets. I rubbed my steel-toed boots against her white rug under my feet and twirled in my chair a bit. She was talking an awful amount. I couldn’t wait to get home- I had some fighting to do. The final bell rang and I was still in that little room. I stuffed my pamphlets in my pockets and bolted out. I was excited.




I felt the sterling silver knife in the pocket of my jeans. I smiled to the concrete as I walked towards the familiar block of Sterling Place. I was nearly 3 blocks away and from behind me came the roaring of ambulance sirens. I looked back in time to see it fly by me, inches from hitting me. It was headed towards Sterling, with 2 cop cars trailing behind it. Damnit! They’d started without me. The rest of my bros didn’t go to school anymore, a trait of them that I envied. I bolted towards my destination, hoping to maybe get a bit of after-fight fist settlements. When I reached there, no one was there except Tate leaning against the knick-knack shop wall with a rather blank expression. As I walked towards him, I felt my sneaker rub over a bullet casing. “Thought we said no guns, faggot.” I said, nudging at Tate’s shoulder.
He shrugged, “We didn’t bring no guns man.” I scoffed. One of the blonde twins must have brought one of their handguns. Thought I could trust those guys.
“Who got hit?”
“Just…just go home man.”
I was astonished by his lack of hostility towards me. I looked around for one of my gang; they were nowhere to be seen. A state detective leaned over a pool of drying blood on the edge of the sidewalk. The ambulance had far since left with the body. There was really nothing left to do but go home. I was so disappointed.
I knew something was wrong as soon as I entered my house. The couch was empty. My mother came up to me with her empty moronic smile and welcomed me home in her dopey half alive voice. I patted her on the shoulder and moved her away. “Beth! I’m home!” Silence returned. “Elizabeth!” I turned to my mother, who was playing with the spinner on the table. “Ma, where is Elizabeth?” I hoped she’d understand enough to form an answer. Her eyes lit up as if she suddenly could see all in heaven and Earth,
“Out for groceries! Supermarket!” I wave of genuine fear swept over me. The supermarket was on Sterling place.
“How long ago ma, how long ago did she leave?”
She cocked her head to the side and said, “1 hour past.”
She should have been home by now. I grabbed my mother’s jacket and put it over her. “We gotta drive to the hospital Ma, just to make sure Beth is ok.” I lead her out of the building and into the 91’ Toyota Camry, which we rarely used because we couldn’t afford gas. I climbed into the driver’s side and got going. I felt a burning anxiety in my chest. This couldn’t be happening. This isn’t happening. I turned on the car radio to try to calm my nerves.
Just in there’s reports of another shooting on the southeast side, midday today, outside of the bus stop on Sterling place apparently gang related, but they didn’t hit the target this time, they hit an unidentified girl who is thought to have nothing to do with it.
I quickly turned the knob away from the horrifying news. The new Nirvana song sound tracked my ache, as I tried to just stay focused on the road. It must be another small girl, not my sister. Elizabeth was too strong of a girl to get hit. She was bulletproof. I knew this. She must be at home. This is all a misunderstanding. As my heart repeated this mantra throughout my body my wits kept my hands on the steering wheel towards the hospital. My mother played with her fingers. I was all-alone in my agony.
We rushed into the emergency room waiting area and I frantically grabbed a nurse. “The girl, the little girl! The one shot, I need to see her. Right away. I think it’s my sister. Please.” The nurse softly explained that I needed to wait here, and that the little girl was on her way to surgery. She firmly lowered my trembling hand away from her shoulder. I could feel my anger starting to settle like salt at the bottom of a glass. Where were Reptar, Tomato Soup, and the blondes when I got to Sterling? It was then very obviously to me, as it wasn’t before that I was very distant from Reptar and the boys. I used to consider myself apart of them; I was apart of the “we” and the “us.” Now, I could not picture myself part of that. If I was, it was my fault Elizabeth was dead. Never until now I felt the consequences of my actions. All there was left to hope for was her life to be spared.


It was 2 hours later that the doctor emerged and explained to my mother and I that Elizabeth could not be saved.

All my fears were realized and I had nothing left. My mother wept for a long time and for the first time since Elizabeth’s birth, I felt tears well up spill over. The funeral was 2 days later it was very simple for we couldn’t afford anything better. I pictured Elizabeth assuring me it was fine and I had done enough but it was hard to believe. I had nightmares of her corpse in the cheap casket beginning to decompose.

I swung my jacket around my shoulder for the first time in a week to go to school again. It was chilly and I shoved my hands within my pockets. I felt a thick wad of crumpled paper. I took it out and unraveled it. A blue pamphlet had orange words, LEAPING FROM THE STREETS TO SUCCESS. I remember seeing this object as something worthless and stupid. Now I looked at it like my only lifeline. As I walked to school I opened and read the 5-step system.


STEP 1- IMPROVE YOUR GRADES

“Wow. Impressive Mr. Castor,” Ms. Wheely put a paper down on my desk, with red marker slashes it read at the top “B+” I smiled wide. I had worked hard for this grade. Instead of lurking around at night with Reptar and the three stooges I sat down and opened a textbook for the first time in a few years. Not that Reptar or the stooges had contacted me since the shooting. Elizabeth had always been discouraged by the fact I was failing school, and I had made a promise to myself on the day of her burial that I’d live up to all her expectations. In English we were given a final report, and we had to write it on something we wished we could go back and undo. My mind did cartwheels around the idea of writing about Reptar, there’s no way he’d find out right?


STEP 2- SUPPORT YOUR FAMILY WITH A JOB


“Alright. Now all you gotta do is just take this drug test and you got the job son!” My eyes widened. I prayed to a God I wished was there that the drugs were out of my system by now. I went into the pharmacy’s bathroom and took the test. I came back out a wearily handed it to him. They calculated it right there and then and I silently wished I hadn’t done that crank with those idiots the early morning before my sister’s death. But now it was too late for wishing.

“Sorry son, seems like we can’t give you this job. It’s pharmacy policy, I’m sorry I really am. I used to do all kinds of stuff when I was your age-“ He began to give me a lecture and I really still didn’t like lectures so I left.


STEP 3- APOLOGIZE TO THOSE YOU HAVE HURT BY YOUR ACTIONS



“Listen Jimmy… I’m really sorry I whipped you in the locker room a few weeks ago. But I’ve changed since then and I’m really sorry I hope you forgive me.” Jimmy looked at me sincerely confused. Then he rolled his eyes and continued gathering his books from his locker. “Brandon Castor? Sorry? Psh. As if. This is probably just one of your plots to get close to me then like humiliate me or something. I’d rather you not talk to me again. Thanks.” He walked away before I could say anything else. I banged my head against the red lockers. Some things just could not be undone.


I came home from school and sat next to my mother crying on the table. “Hey. Ma... are you okay?” I had never engaged with her when she was crying. That was always Elizabeth’s job.


She wiped away her tears, “I… I just really am lonely when you’re at school is all”
I shook my head, “Listen Ma… I’m really sorry. About being such an f’d-up kid. I could have been so much more of a help to you. I’m really sorry. I’ll try to be better, do you understand?” She nodded and grabbed my neck with her arms into a tight embrace. I wrapped my hands around her and we sat like that for a long time. In that moment I realized what I had been avoiding for years. I loved her.


STEP 4- AVOID BAD CROWD

I felt some extra terrestrial presence behind me as I walked home from school one day. It was to my great disappointment and fear that when I turned around I did not see an alien. But yet I saw someone far from human. I saw Reptar. He really was like the cartoon dinosaur, destroying everything in his path. He approached me faster than I could walk and he slammed me against a fence over a highway overpass.

His ice-cold raspy voice whispered in my ear, “You listen here and listen good. I am not a force to be reckoned with and just because Gus might’ve shot your pretty little sister doesn’t mean you write a paper about me. You look so surprised, Brando? You think I wouldn’t find out? I got friends all over, sonny boy; you can’t escape what you got yourself into. I’ll kill you if you rat me out for everything.” He punched me in the face and left me, stunned.

His confrontation shook me up real bad. I got home and decided the only thing I could do was call the police. This was probably the hardest thing I ever had to do. They rest assured me I’d be protected. My mother who didn’t quite understand held me close anyway. She told me I was stronger than him and he can’t affect me. I believed her.


STEP 5- BE HAPPY!



The next day was a Saturday and I mustered up enough strength to go out to the park. I kissed my mother on the cheek and grabbed my jacket. It was going to be a good day. I hoped I’d make some friends at the park, maybe get a fresh start.

But something very strange occurred. As I was exiting my apartment, a bullet found it’s way through my temple. My body dropped to the concrete. I had no time to react and no time to feel any pain. I never pictured my death to be so unrighteous. I dissociated away from what was happening. I saw blood pool around my head. I saw the entire people gather and the screams and the ambulance and my mother running from the apartment crying. I felt no sadness. There really was a light. I saw it and felt it’s warmth on my bodiless soul. It traveled through my figure and pulled me like ropes. I let it take me away from this. I did not belong on Earth any longer.


Within time my indifference had changed into happiness. There was nothing describable beyond the light, but only emotions. I felt my sister’s presence and I felt her voice and we remininsensed. In time my mother came, she had hung herself soon after. We were all back together again. She was no longer autistic. But the only emotion that lingered long besides peacefullness was deep regret. I wished I had changed sooner, before both of us were killed. There was no way of turning back and now. Even in death I could not escape the ripples of my life’s mistakes. I had not gotten a chance to metamorphosis; I was like the caterpillar I swallowed. My own actions had eventually swallowed me whole.