Nothing Will Ever be the Same

I awoke from a dead sleep to the sound of dreadful pounding. My heartbeat matches up with the hard footsteps, getting faster by the second. I close my eyes and brace myself for what’s to come. I can’t run; there’s nowhere to go. I can’t hide; I know I will be found. All I can do is wait. I close my eyes and take in a deep breath as the door opens and the light from the hallway shines past a large silhouette of my worst nightmare. He comes in, the smell of old spice and alcohol filling the room as he says words I know aren’t true, words like, “I love you,” and, “this is what you want.” Silent tears stream down my face as he finishes. The same thing that happens every night still brings me to tears. As he leaves, I pull my blanket over my head, curl into my usual fetal position, and sleep away the nightmare that has become my life.

“Girl, are you okay?” My best friend asks for the hundredth time this week.

“I’m fine. Just a nightmare.” Lies hidden by the truth stream from my mouth as I recall the night before. I walk into my next class and sit in the back row as I usually do, closed out from the rest of the world, locking myself in. A beautiful woman with straight blonde hair and a slim figure walks into the room. She tells us she is our new teacher, and that our last teacher quit. No surprise there. There was something different about our new teacher, the way she looked at me; like she might actually care. The bell rings and I burst out of the classroom, afraid that someone might finally find the truth that I have been trying to fight so hard to hide for the last six years.

The bus ride is a long one, but I don’t mind. Anywhere is better than the hell I face every day in the place I’m supposed to call home. I walk in the door and have just enough time to put my backpack in the room before he pulls himself from the alcohol and television long enough to realize that I am home.

“Where have you been?” He asks in a voice that makes him sound almost normal.

“I had school. I have school every day. You know that.”

“Don’t tell me what I know or don’t know! School is not a priority! I am!” He shouts. “I didn’t get anything for lunch and I’m f*ing hungry! Make me something to eat. Now.” His last word was punctuated by the TV remote hitting my back, but I don’t flinch. I’ve learned to never flinch. I make him two hot dogs, which will satisfy him for about 10 minutes. I start cleaning up the dishes and large number of beer bottles when he walks back in the room. No words are said as he grabs my hair and hits me in the stomach. I bend over long enough for him to bring his knee to my face and I’m out.

I wake up to the sound of ‘Cops’ on the TV. I pull myself off of the kitchen floor and slowly walk into the living room. He’s gone. I finish cleaning and go into the bathroom to shower. As I pull off my clothes, I look down to see the bruises and handprints on my body. I look in the mirror at my bloody face and black eye. The shower is soothing but will never take away the pain of the everyday. Nothing will ever be the same.

I sleep hard and wake to the sunrise; I slept through the night? I get up and walk out to the living room and through the kitchen; I’m alone. I go into his bedroom to find the mess I was expecting, but he isn’t there. I breathe a sigh of relief as I get ready for school. I cover my bruises with as much makeup as I can, put on long sleeves and grab my backpack. The bus stop is empty, and I’m glad. As the bus pulls up I get on and put in my headphones to drown out the rest of the world.

I go through my classes with no questions or comments to my winter attire in the midst of summer; no one cares if you aren’t pretty or dead. I walk into my last class of the day and sit in the back like usual. The new teacher walks in and has a seating arrangement, alphabetical order. With my last name starting with a B, my heart starts pounding as she calls my name, the fourth desk in the front row. After we all get situated, she starts on a lecture about Huck Finn and segregation. I drown out her voice as I think about where he could have gone this morning. The bell rings and I pick up my backpack and start to leave.

“Could you stay after class a minute please?” Oh no, what does she want?

“I really have to go; I have to catch the bus.” The excuses flow as my heart starts pounding in my chest.

“I think it will be okay. I just have a couple of questions for you. Are you aware that it is summer?” She asks a question as I realize where this is headed.

“Yeah but it’s still cold in the morning and I have to wait for the bus and I’m usually always cold anyways and...” She stops me mid excuse as she pulls up my sleeves to reveal my finger-shaped bruises. “That was an accident.” She doesn’t say a word as she wets a Kleenex and removes the makeup off of my eyes to reveal what we both already know it’s there. I don’t try to make excuses as I see the look in her eyes; she knows. We walk silently to the counselor’s office and I tell the story that has haunted me for six years. It was then that I realized; nothing will ever be the same.