August 20, 2006
Dear Diary,

I sit here looking at everyone else. They don’t notice me or even bother to look up. They don’t notice all the little flaws I see in myself. Yet they, and everyone else in this world view me as perfection. I don’t see how all this exploitation is perfect, nothing about my life is perfect. I’m never in one place for very long and home, I never get to go home. In Paris, Madrid, London, and New York I feel like just another person roaming the streets, and not what society labels me. I stop at little magazine stands and see so many people raving about the lifestyle of the rich and famous, little do they know that it’s not that easy.

So long Diary,

Jessica
August 22, 2006
Dear Diary,

I’m jealous of the people I walk by that don’t live in the spotlight. This huge spotlight follows you and reveals every single aspect of your life. All these people have no idea what the spotlight does to you. It destroys you, nothing is ever the same. Stepping into the spotlight means stepping into a world with nothing but lies and rumors. Whatever you do is plastered on tabloids, magazines, the internet and it’s there forever. There’s absolutely nothing you can do for one little mistake. It changes you, you’re forced to live in a world under a microscope. Those people looking at you through that microscope don’t understand how hard it is.

I can’t do what they can do. I can’t walk outside with no makeup on or my hair not done. I have to look like a poster child. I don’t understand why they call me perfect, they simply hide my imperfections. They know I wear makeup because that’s how they always see me. I’m merely a mannequin for them to place clothes on. I walk the runways while they take photos of me in some ridiculous so called “art”. This career is not all the glamour that they make it out to be. It is a full time job and more. This job can’t replace all the things I’ve done to myself. Maybe I’ll just quit tomorrow.. Who am I kidding they flew me to Paris, there’s no way I’m quitting, not with these types of perks.

So long Diary
Jessica

September 3, 2006
Dear Diary,
I’m back in New York for fashion week. I loved Paris, but I’m so exhausted from work. I feel better now that I’m not surrounded by all that fattening French food. I swear anything that went down my throat went straight to my thunder thighs. But it’s better now because I didn’t eat one thing since I’ve been back, so I should be all set for next week. I may have to break down soon then head to the gym. I’m actually on set right now for a fitting and they told me I needed to lose an inch on my waist. That shouldn’t be too hard, I’ve done it before. But lets keep that between us…

So long Diary,
Jessica

September 6, 2006
Dear Diary,
I did it! 3 days of cold ice and pure sweat, there goes that silly little inch. Those designers thought I couldn’t do it, well ha, I did! I’m so excited and worried and kind of scared… but that doesn’t matter because it’s the most wonderful time of the year!

I just saw my best friend, Claire on the cover of Vogue magazine in the lobby today. Everyone said she looked absolutely perfect, which I completely agree. I could never look as good as her, why do you think I had to go to the gym for 3 hours yesterday? I’ll admit it was worth it. Now all I have to do is stay this way for only a few more days. Empty is perfection. That’s another secret you’re going to keep too. I don’t want anyone to know.
So long Diary,
Jessica


September 7, 2006
Dear Diary,
I’m sitting in a cozy chair at the empire coffee shop. I decided that after my second fitting today I could treat myself to a cup of coffee and a good book. Well this book really isn’t that good because writing sounded like a better idea. I can’t wait until tomorrow! I get to do what I do best, be a model. I will admit that getting up at 6am and working until midnight will be a struggle. I know I’ll make it through like I always do. My day will start out with rehearsal, then make-up, then hair, then final fittings, then the runway, and then the parties. But I live for this, so there’s really no complaining. I always love seeing everyone's faces when we float onto the catwalk. They’re looking at two works of art, and I’m one of them. But my coffee cup is now empty, unlike my stomach, so it’s time to leave this cozy chair and prepare for tomorrow.
So long Diary,
Jessica


September 9, 2006
Dear Diary,

Yesterday was the worst day of my life. Absolutely awful. No one will ever forget it. I can’t believe that happened. I’m putting all of my frustration into this and I don’t know what to write. First, it’s a little after midnight and I’m stuck in a hospital bed. Apparently I was “malnourished” yesterday when I was working. Come on, everyone knows that you don’t eat the day of runway, you just can’t. There’s also too many needles stuck in my body that I just want to rip out. They’re destroying me, I can feel it. There’s nothing wrong with me, so I don’t know why I’m here. I keep asking the nurses if I can leave and they say not until my levels are up. I don’t care about my levels I want to escape from this place. I try to tell them that I’m not doing anything wrong. It’s my job, everyone knows, and it’s all their fault. I have to be thin to work, they made me this way. But they’re moving me to another room downstairs, whatever that means…
So long Diary,
Jessica
September 17, 2006

Dear Diary,

Sorry I haven’t written in a while. The doctors took my journal away when I went downstairs to the “extended stay” rooms. I keep wondering if they read my journal just so they could figure everything out. What was I supposed to tell them? “I haven’t been eating recently, I’m a model obviously.” Like no, I wasn’t going to tell them that. They’ve constantly been putting needles in my arms everyday and I’m getting tired of it. I can feel the IV being pumped into my blood and circulating throughout my entire body depositing itself wherever it can. As weird as this sounds I’m somewhat okay with it. I can actually lay in this uncomfortable hospital bed and not have to worry about how many inches I’d have to lose to fit into some ridiculous dress.

Rumor is I can leave in a few days, but they’re sending me to rehab for a few weeks in upstate New York. Maybe it’ll be good for me... Actually, once this story gets out it’ll be good for everyone. They destroyed me.

Good bye for now Diary,

Jessica