I run from myself, drifting between Gavin and Maria. I don’t remember my real name. I can’t remember where I am. I haven’t been myself in days. Who am I?
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I wake up on a warm sunny day in May, the first day above 50 degrees this year and I love it! It’s a Saturday so I don’t have to do, besides clean up the bathroom and finish my trig homework. I run downstairs to make a bowl of cereal. My mom is at work and my dad- well my dad just isn’t around anymore. My mom is amazing, she works three jobs just to support us, and she still manages to smile every day. I finish my bowl and rinse it in the sink; I notice a note on the counter: “Genna, can you run to the store and pick us up some eggs and butter- Oh! Also get yourself something as well, you know fruit or whatever, I don’t care. –Mom” there was $30 under the note and I laughed to myself “I guess she really doesn’t care” I mumble to myself. I shove the $30 into my pajama pants and go upstairs to change. I pull on some jeans and an old Nirvana t-shirt that my mom said belonged to my father. I put on my shoes and walk out the door. The store is about a half of a mile away and I think about things as I walk. My dad died- rather was killed when I was 4. I had gotten home from a play date I think…I ran into the house ahead of my mom and… and I... I actually don’t remember. My mom tells me that it’s ok that I don’t remember and it’s my brain pushing away so it won’t hurt me. I just feel like I should know. I walk into the store and gather what my mom wanted me to get and then I started pacing the aisles deciding on what I wanted. I put fruits and pasta into my basket and walk to the check out. All of a sudden I feel myself drifting as if I’m in a haze for a few moments and it all changes. I throw my basket down in anger and storm home, throwing profanities into the air as I go. I get home and slam the door, startling my cat that was perched in the window. I look into the mirror as I walk into my room. I fade again. I am crying my eyes out and I feel as if I just ran a 5k. I do not know why I am crying… I think I am going to lie down until my mom gets home.
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I hear my mom call out to me and I roll over and sit up. I clear my mind and stagger down the stairs, still half way asleep, to meet my mom in the living room. My mom turns around toward the creek of the stairs. “Genna! There you are darling, did you get my note?” I nodded “yea, I did,” I rub the sleep from my eyes, “I had a...weird morning and didn't bring them home” I subtly motioned upwards. Her eyes softened and she almost whispered, “We need to get you checked again don’t we?” A ball of anger wells up in my stomach and I start to cry. “I’M NOT BROKE MOTHER,” I shout, I never call my mom mother. Her eyes well up with tears and she solemnly nods, “I didn’t mean that you were, I was just saying we should get you checked out because we might have to up your meds, what do you think sweetie?” I roll my eyes and mumble “sure” under my breath.
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I suppose I should explain me a bit. If you couldn’t guess my name is Genna, though my full name is Genevieve. I am 15 and the doctors tell me that I can’t remember some things because I have multiple personality disorder. They say so far I only have 2 different personalities besides my own; I named then Gavin and Maria because that’s how they were portrayed to me. But this one today… this one was different. It was meaner than Gavin and I couldn’t tell if it was a girl or a boy when usually I can. I am still trying to figure things out for myself because I don’t know if I trust the doctors. Because honestly, it’s my life not the doctors, what do they know?
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My mom got around to setting up an appointment about a week after she brought it up. At this point I feel really numb, almost like I am running from myself, drifting between Gavin and Maria. I don’t remember my real name and I can’t remember where I am. I haven’t been “myself” in days. Who am I?
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My appointment is today at 4 and I am absolutely dreading it. I did a bit of research for myself this morning. I read that the average person with multiple personality disorder has around 13 personalities. I only have 2-well technically 3 I think. I also read that in extreme cases people have up to 300 personalities and I think that is really scary. I don’t know what I would do if that were me.
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We get to the doctor’s office and I feel different, like a good different, I never feel this peaceful. We walk into the office and the doctor questions and tests me. When we get done he tells me that at the moment I have 5 discovered alternate personalities. He also tells me that over the course of many appointments they could discover more. Even with this news I feel at peace.
~.~.~.~ 6 months later ~.~.~.~.~
I think it is time to just give up. I can’t keep track of my thoughts. I can’t get through a day without blacking out for most of it. I started meeting with a doctor every couple of weeks and they delivered the worst news I could ever hear. I have developed close to 200 personalities. I seriously think it’s time to give up. I have my mother’s medication. I could do it right now, but I wait. I wait for my mom to go to work and I get a class of cold water. I rethink my short 16 years and I ry. I can’t take it anymore, I pour pills into my hand and I count them. “21 that should be enough,” I whisper to the empty room. I wipe my tears and pour the pills into my mouth and wash them down with water. I lie down on my bed and shed not a tear as I think about all the suffering I have been through. Darkness fills my vision and I fade for the last time.