Dear Diary,









04/02/2013
Oh gosh… What is there to do? Life is so hard at times and there’s not much you can do to change it, I guess you just have to live with these kinds of things. There must be a reason somewhere out there for everything that happens in life, however, I can’t come to understand why I have so much going on in my life. Lots of people tell me they know how I feel, but they are wrong. They have no idea the crap I put up with day-to-day!! I mean I don’t disagree they possibly have been through worse things than what I’ve gone through, but that doesn’t matter because they haven’t lived my life.
At times I feel like running away and disappearing into mid air. I have even tried taking my life, but God manages to keep me alive. Why? Why?! Is there a purpose for which I’m still living? Well I hope it’s a really good one, otherwise all this pain and suffering would be in vain.
-Esme
Dear Diary,





















05/12/2013
My life is falling to pieces; my grades are horrifyingly bad, my father treats me like a stranger and doesn’t care about me or what I need, everyone acts as if I didn’t live here and as if I was a ghost lurking around the house.
I used to have nothing to worry about, but school. I was a 4.0 student. How did I fall so low? That’s the question I always ask myself, how did I go to the point where I smoked weed and did drugs? How? It was hard all those lonely nights of suffering and crying myself to sleep, not even thinking about how that stuff was messing me up.
-Esme


Dear Diary,





















05/30/2013
You know stuff happens and there comes a time when you get so fed up that you would do anything to get rid of all the problems… On May 14th, 2010 I took 30 narcotics expecting to end my life... I drifted to sleep expecting to never see the sunrise of the upcoming day.
At times I ask myself how it was possible to survive that. I felt so stupid when I woke up in the hospital, because I wasn’t even good at taking my own life! The thing about that whole situation was the part where I was so close to being interned in a mental institution and at that point I regretted what I had done. If I wasn’t crazy going in, I’m sure I would have become crazy being locked up in there. Dang what a disaster right? Now I have to put up with a crap load of lame moments and situations.
-Esme

Dear Diary,




















06/09/2013
Tonight is just plain stupid. I tried to do something nice for my family by cooking dinner only to have my stepmom throw all the food at my feet. I swear I try my best to fit in, but it doesn’t work I guess I’m the outcast of the family. I had a good day at school but after that it went downhill.
Going to school is the only way to escape from this so called “home” which is much more like a prison because I’m also never allowed to go out with anyone, anywhere. If it wasn’t for my boyfriend, sister, and friends I would have left to live with my mother. I can trust her and she understands me. I’m happy when I’m living with her and my brothers. I wish she lived close by so I could move in with her and still go to school here. That’s all I ask for.
I regret being considerate of my father that day he told my brother and I to choose who we wanted to live with. If I could go back to that day I'd choose to go away, I’m sure I would have been happier, but it’s too late now. I’m so emotionally disturbed. I swear. I feel cold-hearted.
-Esme
Dear Diary,









06/28/2013
Disappointments grow bigger day-by-day. At this point in my life I could care less if tomorrow comes or not. My father allows my step-mom to do whatever she wants with me. Today she came home from work and came straight up to me and just smacked me across the face after calling me a worthless piece of $#@%. What did my dad do about it? He laughed.
I’ve put up with too much crap that I would take any chance that I can get to escape from it all. I’ve looked up to God so many times for help, but there’s no response. I’m exhausted, but all I can do is put a smile on my face and pretend I’m doing great.
-Esme
Dear Diary,





















07/08/2013
Someone please kill me. I’m going insane in this place; I need to find a way out as soon as possible because I’m scared of doing something I’m going to regret later. AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!! There is so much frustration building up!
My step-mom and my dad are always arguing and then they take their anger out by hitting me and pushing me around when I have nothing to do with their fights, sometimes that makes me go back to having suicidal thoughts, and preferring hell rather than being here, but then I start thinking…..Why punish myself for eternity? Why punish the people that honestly care about me? God help me please I’m giving up.









-Esme


Dear Diary,









09/23/2013
I feel like running away to a place where I can be away from problems, fights and arguments because all of that nonsense is messing with my mind. Last night my step-mom invited me to watch a movie, so I gladly said yes hoping she was beginning to change. However, when we were watching the movie she went to the bathroom …and she never came back. She ditched me and I had to walk for 2 hours to get home.
THIS NEEDS TO END NOW!!! I can’t take it anymore. People might think I’m victimizing myself, but it’s not like that. They don’t understand and never will because they do not live the way I do.
-Esme


Dear Diary,





















10/10/2013
Time needs to speed up because I need to be able to leave. As of today there is 466 days left till that’s possible and I’m anxious for it there to be only 1 day left. Things are so horrible around here. Would you like to know what I had for dinner?…For the past three days I’ve had moldy cheese sandwiches because I’ve been forced to while everyone else eats a savoring meal in front of me. Don’t eat it right? Well I either eat the sandwich or I sleep on the living room floor without any blankets, and let’s say it’s not very warm especially since its tile.
I’ve been counting down the days until I can get the heck out! I think I’m a bit nuts. I mean I really need to get away. I feel locked away from everything; I’m not even allowed to call my own mother without everyone saying that everything goes wrong in this place because of her. It’s all due to the fact that my step-mom hates my mom and she gets in my dad’s head until she gets what she wants. What she wants is to make my life miserable by cutting every connection I have with my mom. Yesterday my dad officially bans me from talking to her, which is completely unfair. I’m being kept away from my having any connection to my her. I don’t know what to do anymore. I seriously need help ASAP.
-Esme




Dear Diary,









10/14/2013
I give up.