The Fall of the National Basketball Association


The NBA, an enormous sports empire, fell into oblivion in the year 2045, in the most unexpected conclusion in all of sports history. Although many fans were disappointed, there were also many people who were pleased about the occurrence. Many sports stations, newspapers, fans, and radio stations tried to analyze how this happened. This is a compilation of all the reports as of the current year 2100, and a definitive answer to the most commonly asked question about the termination of the former NBA: “Why?”

The most prominent reason the NBA collapsed is that it paid its players too much. Eventually, one player could make more than three-fourths of a team’s payroll. This caused controversy amongst the other players, and some of them flocked to other teams or left the league. The biggest instance of this is Bryce Maximus James Junior, grandson of former NBA great LeBron James. Bryce Maximus James was making 98.3 percent of the 2041 Los Angeles Lakers’ payroll. Some of the other players on the team were making as little as $2,000 a year. In fact, all of the players on the Lakers left, leaving only Bryce Maximus. The NBA created a rule that allowed teams to have less than five players on the court at one time, and from then on Bryce Maximus was the Laker. Eventually, the NBA had to scrap this one-player rule due to dropping attendance. This caused Bryce Maximus to throw an explosive fit, which was recorded, and got 10.3 million views on YouTube. After an emotional press conference and an angry run-in with a fan, James Jr. simply used some spare change he had to buy half of the items in the Smithsonian and retreated to his 9-story mansion to admire his new artwork. Obviously, his career ended shortly after. Bryce Maximus was one of the many players who left the league due to payroll complications.

Another problem that the NBA had was fan attendance. Some teams, such as the Milwaukee Bucks, became so pathetically bad that their attendance went into the triple digits on a daily basis. Other teams had the opposite problem. The Miami Heat was getting so much attendance that they had to build a new stadium, which was modeled after the Colosseum in Rome. The Miami Colosseum could hold 200,000 people, and it sold out nearly every night. The Heat became so popular that people started climbing the walls of the Miami Colosseum and breaking the windows to crawl in. At one point, on September 9th, during an early exhibition matchup, the Colosseum collapsed and hundreds of thousands were injured. Reluctantly, the NBA announced that Heat games would not be played for a month. The league lost about 99 percent of its followers shortly after.

The third and final reason why the NBA collapsed is that the game of basketball was simply not interesting at the professional level anymore. Players discontinued playing defense, so that they could get the basketball faster and dunk on each other. Eventually, by the year 2042, most basketball games just became a dunk-fest, and scores spiraled to about 200 points for each team per game. Players began taking unnatural synthetic height hormones, and the average player grew to about 7’8. When the NBA acknowledged that they had lost control of this problem, and they couldn’t stop the players, they decided to raise the standard height of the rim from 10 feet tall to 12 feet tall. But the players just kept taking the steroids, until the average player was taller than the former tallest man who ever lived, Robert Wadlow. Now, with the average NBA game being a dunk-a-thon for overpaid mutant giants, fans simply weren’t pleased with it. So, the league attempted to make the game interesting by placing sponsored cars under the rim. Sponsorship took over the game, and for the majority of the time, the announcers were yelling about a, “DODGE DUNK!”, “RAM SLAM!”, or “FORD FOUL!”. This sponsorship was hated so universally that the league was forced to terminate it. And, eventually, the NBA realized that basketball just wasn’t interesting anymore.

The most puzzling thing about the demise of the NBA was that close to no one missed it, even though the league was fairly popular and had a long, rich history. There were a few super-fans that mourned the loss for a few hours, but even they had to admit that they really just watched for the Miami Heat. Only some ultra-devoted fans continued to study and analyze the league’s presence. Most people began watching college basketball, and this was beneficial to the college players and our economy. The college athletes got to have a good time playing basketball, and then would use their high-level education to get a good job. By 2095, almost no one could remember what the NBA had been, and the population moved on to different sports. So the story of a major athletic power ended, having influenced the lives of many in its time, positively and negatively. And with that, the NBA disappeared, drowning in the murky depths known as American history, to be recalled again only by those truly devoted to the study of its influence.