“I miss her. Her hair. Her laugh. Her beautiful baby blue eyes that were clear as water. I missed her scent, the way she smelled like lilac and vanilla. Her bubbliness. Her everything. I just want her back. Why did she have to leave? Why didn’t I listen better? Was there something I could have done?”
” No. She wanted it this way. She tried to escape her on pain, but really all she did was give it to someone else.”
“I should have listened. I should have payed better attention. I should have asked about the cuts when I saw them the first time, or the second, or the third. But I didn’t. I didn’t think that it was a big deal or that she would get too carried away. I thought she was just trying to let her feelings loose. Is it my fault that she’s gone? Could I have done something to help?”
She wrote what I had said in her note pad and then replied “No. You couldn’t have stopped her. She was going to do what she wanted no matter what anyone said.”
“But, what if I could have talked to her? Could we have kept her longer?”
“The damage was already done. She would have done it on her own time. She would have found away.”
“NO! There had to be a way.”
“I’m sorry but no. Its not your fault, nor is it anyone else’s. She wanted this for herself.”

Elyssa Marie Jamestown, passed away on October 18, 2009. She was one of my best friends. She was my everything. We went everywhere together and told each other our biggest secrets, but she failed to mention this one. The biggest secret there was. Why would she keep this from me? I could have helped her. I know I could.  Was she really that upset? I mean, I know that things were bad at home, but where they that bad? Did the words of those awful kids finally get to her?
I remember a week before, we were sitting on the steps in front of the school. She was giggling about something that Russell Burgundy had told her at lunch. I was dying to know what it was, but just as she was getting ready to tell me she saw them. There were four of them. Brianna, the fierce red head with overly done makeup. Chris, who was known for his blonde shaggy head, Mathew, who wore clothes that were 3 sizes too big, and Jamie, the darkly dressed “emo”, were all together in there little palsy, but when weren’t they?
As they approached us Elyssa stood up. She knew what was coming and she was bracing herself.
“Oh, look who it is!” Jamie said as she put her old blue convers onto the second step.
“I saw you at lunch today. What were you wearing? Don’t you know you look so fat in those jeans?” Chris said as he pushed Elyssa back down onto the concrete steps. I heard a thump and wanted to say something, but I couldn’t. She had told me that I wasn’t allowed to get involved, that if I said anything or told anyone she wouldn’t talk to me. I knew it had to hurt, getting trashed around. I should have said something but instead I kept watching.
“What do you guys want now?” Elyssa whimpered
“We want you to shut up!” Yelled Mathew in a very rugged, strong voice.
“Why don’t you!” she replied, but just as the words came out of her mouth she wanted so badly to take them back. She flinched as Jamie swung her fist and hit her below her left eye.
I gasped wanting to say something, anything, but just when I was getting ready to Brianna cut me off.
“You don’t ever say anything like that to him again! You hear me?” Elyssa looking up, shook her head in agreement, but before she could say anything else they were already gone, laughing as they vanished into the bushes.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, Ill be fine.”
What was she going to say to her parents? How would she explain this to them?
I walked her home in silence and as we got to her door her mother came out.
“Where have you been, young lady? You have chores that need to be done! And what in the world happened to your eye?”
“Sorry mum, I had to stay after and ask the teacher for some help in Science. Ill make sure my chores are done, and as for my eye, I tripped on my shoe lace on the walk back and hit it on a rock.”
“Well, say goodbye to Emma and get inside to start on your chores before your father gets home.
“Bye Ems.” She said and then walking through the door of the old rusty trailer they called home.
On my walk back I was thinking about her mother. Why didn’t she investigate more on her eye? Was it because I was there and she wanted to do it in private? I couldn’t understand.
As I walked through the doors of my house I got greeted by a big smile and a warm hug.
“How was your day?” My mother had asked.
“Like every other.” I replied.
I walked into the kitchen where there was a plate of cheese and crackers all ready for me. As I ate I still through about her, ‘does Elyssa come home to a nice snack like I do? Or does she just do her chores (which includes cooking dinner) eat the small meal she had prepared and then go straight to her room?’ I was lucky, I didn’t have to do chores. My mom always tells me that the most important thing for me to do right now is focus on school, so that I can have a good education and a bright future. Did Elyssa’s mom care about her daughter’s future?
I cleaned of my plate and went up the steps. I went to bed early that night. I dreamt that summer was back and that Elyssa and I were together 24/7, again. Summer was the one time that we could be happy, the one time that those kids that picked on Elyssa were gone and didn’t bother us. I loved summer.
That next morning I woke up late and had to rush out the door. I wanted to ask Elyssa a few questions from last night’s homework, but when I got on the bus she wasn’t there.
“Hey, where’s Elyssa?”  I asked the kid that gets on the bus with her everyday.
“I don’t know. She didn’t walk down the lane and her mom never said anything to me when she drove by to go to work. It’s weird, Yanno? They usually tell me when she isn’t going to be there but today they said nothing.” He carried on, but then quickly spun around to talk to the young girl tapping on his shoulder.
I couldn’t focus on my work that whole day. I was worried about her. What if something happen on her way out to the bus? No. She probably just got sick right before the bus came and decided that it would be a good idea to stay home.
She didn’t show up until that Thursday. Once I settled into the set that she was in I turned around to talk to her, but when I did no words came out. I was shocked. The cuts went the whole way up her arm. Deep and fresh they lay there, the blood fairly new. I wanted to ask about them but when she saw me looking she quickly hid them.
“So, where have you been?” I asked trying to break the silence between us.
“Home.” She replied, quietly.
“Why were you home? Where you sick?”
“No I just needed a little break.”
“A break from what?” I was confused. Did she want a break from me, a break from school, or maybe it was a break from those horrible kids who said those awful things.
“School. I just wanted to relax and get my thoughts back on track.”
I wanted to ask if the cuts were part of her “relaxation”, if she had any more of them on other parts of her body, but I resisted. The image of those cuts ran through my head all day long and as we walked home after school I say them again. They weren’t just on her arm, but on her hips too. I couldn’t help but notice them every time she swung her arms up in the air. She was all smiles, talking about what had happened in Math class today with Devan, why would she ever want to harm herself?
As the days pasted I kept seeing them. New, bright red, deep and long, You could barely make out her tan, golden skin through them. They were everywhere. How did her parents no know? Or did they? Are they the reason why? I couldn’t help but ask.
“Elyssa.” I said softly as we walked to the lunch table. “Would I upset you by asking why you are doing that to your body?”
“Oh its nothing. It’s just something that helps me with my pain, don’t worry about it.” She spoke as if it were something to be proud of, and I didn’t like it. I didn’t like the fact that she had so much pain that she had to harm her own body for it to go away. And I would worry. I would worry about it a lot.
I remember the morning of the 18th. The cold breeze that swept the colorful leaves all around the dried brown grass. It was Sunday and I was supposed to meet Elyssa at the park, but she never showed. I thought maybe her chores got in the way and that she would call to make plans late own in the afternoon. I waited awhile but heard nothing so I took a walk to her house. As I walked up the driveway I saw the ambulance, the police cars that were lined up the side of the house, and the one fire truck. What was going on? Had her brother had another seizure like the one a few years back? I quickly ran to the door where her mother, who was in tears, was talking to the officer. I waited a moment, then she spotted me.
“What happened?” I asked sincerely.
“It’s Elyssa, honey.” She could barely get the worlds out of her mouth before she started to cry again.
“What about her? Is she okay?”
“She’s in a better place.” She sobbed.
I swear my heart stopped beating for a minute. I couldn’t believe it. Was she really gone? Did she cut too deep? Did she really want to die? I couldn’t say anything, so I just hugged her mother and walked home. One the walk home I tried to think of different reasons why she might have done this, but were none that were good enough. Why would someone want to end their own life? This is so much to live for. I didn’t understand but maybe that’s because I wasn’t depressed enough to ever think about anything like that. At least not until today…
I take it that may mom had already heard the news because when I walked through the arch way into the living room she was waiting she was waiting for me. She tried to comfort me with a hug but I didn’t want to be touched. I pushed her away and went to my room. That was the first time I had pushed my mother away, what was wrong with me? Suddenly I had the urge to make those same scares as Elyssa. Think and deep with blood running from them. I watched as the blood fell and I could feel the weight lift from my body with every cut. It felt kind of good to feel that silver blade dragging trough my skin.

The counselor put her note pad away as the timer buzzed.
  “That’s all for today?” She asked making sure I was ready to leave.
I wanted so badly to tell her about my painkiller. How it was the same as Elyssa’s, but I didn’t. With a small sign I said “yup, I guess that’s it.” And left the room.