My name is Emma, I am 15 years old and I need help. But, I don’t know if I would ever take any sort of “help.” I need to be fixed, but I don’t know how to be fixed. I obviously can’t fix myself because I’ve made it worse and can’t find a way to love myself. Plus, I heard that the only person that can fix you is you. But, how do I do that? How do I just pick up all of these broken pieces? It isn’t as easy as it sounds, trust me.

 The thing is, I haven’t always been this way; I haven’t always been depressed and hated myself this much. But as I grew up, everything started to fall apart. First it was my so called “friends”, then I started to hate myself, then problems with my parents, I mean there isn’t really an order to how everything started to fall apart, but the main issue was definitely with my parents.

I didn’t have the best childhood, but it also wasn’t the worst. I grew up as the middle child, also known as the kid that is easily forgotten, and let me tell you that that is very true. Or at least for me it was. Growing up I always had to compete to be better or as good as my older sister, Stephanie, and once my little brother Cain arrived, I automatically disappeared. This made the demons inside of me get into me really easily, without anyone noticing, not even myself.

 Maybe it had to do with the fact that I felt so unnoticed at home, that I felt some sort of comfort with my friends. They weren’t the best of friends, not really the kind of people you considered “friends,” but with them, I felt noticed, and I felt wanted. The friendships between them and I didn’t last long though. They all turned their backs on me. They must have thought that I was stupid enough to not realize that all they were doing was using me to feel better about themselves and that all they would do is talk crap about me behind my back. I shouldn’t care right? They’re the ones who messed up, but I made the mistake of building my whole life around them. Everything that I do involves them. I can’t even go to any after school club because they will be there, giving me their judgmental looks, like they always have. I should’ve realized earlier to not depend your own happiness on others, but now it’s too late. Without them, I don’t have any other friends. Because of them I was rude to other people and now I’m alone. I mean, I deserve it. They didn’t put a gun to my head and make me do the harsh things that I did or say the rude things that I said. Wow, karma really is a b… bad thing.

 And then, of course there are the societal perceptions of beauty that rear their ugly heads during middle school. Society started to develop this idea of “perfection” and “beauty.” I don’t fit into the qualities that they determine are perfect and beautiful. Before I became obsessed with the way I look, I was fine with myself. I didn’t think I was fat, I mean when I was younger I was chubby, but it was baby fat and I thought I grew out of it. But apparently now I need to have a “thigh gap” to be “beautiful.” What the heck is a “thigh gap?!?!” and why do I need one to be defined as “beautiful.” What ever happened to personalities? Whatever happened to your body or looks don’t matter??? Wow, this world is full of crap and everyone is a hypocrite! Why do I need to see my ribs in order to be “girlfriend material?!?” In animals, when you are able to see their ribs, it means that they are sick, how come for a human being, for a 15 year old girl, it’s considered “beautiful?” I just don’t understand. Well maybe it has to do with the fact that I’m so stupid. School is so stressful, I break down crying every morning and every night because I’m so stressed and I don’t want to go anymore. It’s not the judgmental devil children, I mean I can somewhat deal with that, but school overall is stressful. I go every day in fear, in fear that I will never be good enough, in fear that I will never get a “good enough” career or get anywhere. The future is so scary and even thinking about it makes me want to cry and bang my head into a wall.

So what is a young girl to do? We look up to our parents of course, as role models. I still question “what happened? Why did everything just fall apart?” I mean, growing up my parents always seemed to be happy and love themselves. I remember thinking that I wanted a marriage like theirs, I was one of the lucky ones to still have their parents together. Or maybe I was just blindsided. Their divorce was one of the hardest things I’ve had to go through, in all of my 15 years of living. And trust me; I’ve been through hell and back! It was chaos, I really wish it was just simple, no problems. But hell, who am I kidding?

 It was a school night and I was trying to get as much sleep as I possibly could, when all of the sudden I was awaken by arguing and plates crashing all over the kitchen floor. I ran out of bed and went into the kitchen. IT WAS A COMPLETE MESS! IT SEEMED AS IF A TORNADO CAME THROUGH!
“STOP! STOP IT! WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING??” I cried to my parents.

“Honey, go back to bed, this is a problem between your mother and I, no need for you to get involved.” My dad said to me in a shaky voice

“ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! GO BACK TO BED? I CAN BARELY SLEEP! YOU GUYS ARE GOING NUTS! WHAT’S GOING ON? AND THIS IS MY PROBLEM, IF YOU DON’T RECALL! I AM YOUR DAUGHTER AND A PART OF THIS FAMILY! I’M SICK OF IT! YOU GUYS ARE CONSTANTLY ARUGING AND IF YOU HAVEN’T NOTICED, I’M BROKEN, AND YOU GUYS AREN’T DOING ANYTHING TO HELP!” I screamed to my parents.

“We’re sorry baby, please I’m so sorry. I just, I can’t do this anymore. I’m so tired of this; I can’t pretend to be happy anymore, when I’m clearly not. SEE LIAM! YOUR OWN DAUGHTER CAN SEE THAT WE’RE NOT HAPPY TOGETHER! AND IT ISN’’T ONLY HURTING US, IT’S HURTING HER!” My mother cried and screamed.

“GREAT! THERE YOU GO CRYING AND CRYING LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO! IF SHE CAN NOTICE THAT WE’RE NOT HAPPY TOGETHER THEN WE’RE OBVIOUSLY NOT! I’M NOT EVEN GOING TO TRY ANYMORE, I’M AS TIRED AS YOU ARE AND I AM DONE! GOODBYE!” My father screamed as he left and slammed the door.

“I’m so sorry Emma, I truly am but we need this. We need this break, we need him to be gone, I need to be happy and he does too, and if we can’t find happiness together, then we can most likely find it our separate ways. Plus, if this is hurting you, I can’t even imagine how it’s hurting Stephanie and Cain. I’m going to sleep honey, I’m sorry okay, I’m sorry I’m not the best mother, but please believe me when I tell you that I really am trying. Goodnight, love you Emma.” My mother tried to say in a calm voice while not crying. I picked up the broken pieces of plates all over the kitchen floor and tried to get some sleep. And like the broken pieces of our hope - there is but only one thing to do. Putting it back together – one (painful) piece at a time. And that’s what everyone – regardless of who you are, we all have our personal demons; mom, dad, friends, ourselves. That night, was possibly the worst night of my life. I mean, I like it better now that they are divorced. I can tell mom is happy and dad, well he’s getting better. But, they have to understand that they have 3 kids together and they have to try and pull it off, at least be decent to each other as friends. Since mom and dad got divorced, we moved out to another house which means that I started at a new school. This new school is so much better, I got a fresh new start, I’ve been meeting really nice people and I’ve been really careful with my time, which means that I’m not as stressed as I was before. I’m also slowly starting to love myself. I have learned that it is okay to not be okay and that if you don’t save yourself, you will remain unsaved. I may not be “perfect” but I do think that I am beautiful, in my own way. And I don’t need others to think that, because my own opinion is the only thing that matters. Like the saying goes. “Confidence is not ‘they will like me.’ Confidence is ‘I’ll be fine if they don’t.’”