This story is about the age of a teenager when his life by pieces bit by bit begins to take shape, when the world for him doesn’t so foggy, and his mind doesn’t clouded by the world. This is completely different side of life, suddenly opened own curtain, and a teenager is not involved in the plot so vehemently of our life being. He becomes not a spectator; he becomes a writer and producer of his own life story.

Great hopes or destroyed dreams, a new novel life or bottomless abyss, steeplechase or a leisurely step, hopeless road of ghostly future or may be the road showered of events? And whether should to know something and follow the trodden path, or better just to get off and go blind, stumbling and facing with difficulties, but still come to the existence of immense joy and happiness?

Make a blind start in the running, or in slow motion to catch all the details of life? To risk and to dipping head into the maelstrom of events, or to hide in a corner waiting for salvation? Or may be to let down because of temptation of darkness, and to rule of light side? Mark tries to find the answers. He has lost in the maze of his own thoughts, where at every turn deadline is awaiting for him. Seeing even the thinnest trickle lumen he blindly runs unknowing it is a trap. Of course, he is not so blind as he seems to be at the first time. ‘’Yes, that’s great’’,-he thoughts, but is it so necessary? Did not I become hostage of my own beliefs and imaginations? Can I trust myself? And he rushed in search of himself trying to find answers.

    … Untangle headphones when I can’t wait to dive into my memories sitting on the sofa under a warm blanket. Wearing headphones in order to stifle my own thoughts. Falling into the pillow, kicking things that bother me for more comfortable lying. Turn the song that gently brings me to the destination to the source of my feelings. In the pauses when one song ends and another begins, I can hear the beating of my heart, while my head is silent. That's what I like. I like the fact that we have memories, but I don’t know how to cope with them.. One of the memories that stuck in my memory is..:

"Weekend passed, so it's time for school. Strongest win, and that's the fact. But in our school than you nastier and meaner, so you are stronger. Studying for survival. That's how. Overfilled and impregnated with this terrible, that happened to me, I had decided to restart my tired mechanisms and some cogs of my consciousness and subconscious and even replaced them. So in fact, it is difficult and almost impossible to follow all the rules in unfriendly atmosphere, and most importantly not to betray yourself. And of course if you don’t eliminate all the accumulated feelings now, it will become a habit, and as is it well known, the habit will grow to the scale of the shortcomings, subsequently leading to the complexes. Yup…”
    

It is only on the calendar and outside the summer, but at my heart still the most endless winter, which encouraged me to change. In that winter in the evening I have met her. No, no, it was not love, it was an ordinary girl, which was sent me to kick and push off my stale apathetic state. I was feeling neither bad nor good with her. I was feeling strange; because my feelings which were going to petrify they were growing so fast, as they wanted to get away from me. What I was feeling? I do not know.

Life begins to suffocate if it doesn’t saturate with air. The air - is love, movement, feelings, emotions, beauty and even grief. So my love and my air was she. She aroused my world; throw about my ideas, thoughts, feelings, which so firmly stood my small sized world. Bursting so painfully sharp and scary leaving me alone with scattered world, which I had to reassemble in pieces. It hurts to admit it, but I can’t gather it, and there is no need to do because now my world does not obey me, it is already belongs to someone else but not to me. I feel large hole in myself. Black hole, blocking my capability to feel. There's nothing left in me.
 

Love- is one word, endless associations and descriptions. When you feel previously the lost game, it seems, life is going to the end, it seems, you will be immersed by whirlwind of unquenchable pain, and it will sticking to you a thousand small fragments, digging into your soul. Only one desire: to dissolve in the air that suffocate you, and simply fly to the indefinite direction. I would like to break myself into atoms, so that no one won’t notice you, so that no one won’t see your pain. There is a certain charge of love that it is necessary to support all the time. If there won’t be support, there won’t be love. If you don’t put to flames the fire wood, it will blow out. So it is here: if you don’t support love, it is slowly but surely starts to fade, with so painful, that you lost all feelings. Your charge of love force to restore only to the most sincere and pure love of friends and relatives. Without help you're mentally die, you will lose the boon to feel, the boon of life to breathe and take pleasure of life. Do you know what terrible?  Love? No. The absence of love.

- "Don’t think too much, not take everything too close to you. Take it as a given and relax "- she incessantly repeated me.
- "When I relax my physical body, in a result became physical laziness, and as is it well known, it leads to mental laziness, and then I lose interest in everything."
- "And for what is given to us will power? For educate our feelings and take them in the right direction. "
- "Ha! Only feelings lead us where they want, but not vice a versa. "
- "It is our power- to change that."
- "You know, I can see our lives only a part of whole universe. We are visitors of our planet, we are guests who travel from one planet to another, we do not have the right to direct our own rules here, and order sets only essence of the Earth. So whether changes all the entire crew of the Earth planet"?
- "Everyone has skeletons in the closet and demons under the bed, but we will never know the whole truth about people, so how can we know the whole truth about our land?"
- "I agree, people are too complex creatures to understand them fully, and the universe is a million times as more complicated as people, and, indeed, whether I have the right to do conclusions about it, because to define – is to limit."
She taught me to see such a simple and clean in a very intricate and complex world. She - a piece of my ideological mosaic. She, I, he, you, we – are the life. "
And that’s why I have decided to change my past.
I have turn on a countdown of my feelings. You are looking at the night sky, seeing the stars falling, this fast track flickers and fades, disappearing into nowhere. Quiet, emptiness. Two words that describe my way of being in this life. Imagine the reverse steps: star suddenly appears and bright path back to heaven, and continues to enjoy with its beauty. Here, as well, and I decided to go on the reverse path. And I do not care what anybody say, that there is no way back. I'm going mentally to correct mistakes.

One step back and i found myself in a very young time. Wow, too much back. Make a small step back, and now I there where I should be. I was in the past. How proudly it sounds, isn’t it?

But in no case did not turn around after the past, it can feel your presence and catch in his nets. A kind of advice of psychologists. I interpreted it differently. Never hold on to the past. Past – it is a bowl filled with completed events in which you can look like in the mirror that keeps the answers to your questions.

There in the past I was walking down the empty street. There i wasn’t afraid neither death, nor even life. And then i understood: never devote your life to people who don’t appreciate it. Don’t spend time on them. Your time, their time. After all, those who need us will kick in into our lives, without our help, they abruptly burst, destroying all your graphics but  those in whom we need we care about, even as we are exempted our lives for them, how many do not call them, they do not even look to our side. It's sad, but true. Verified by experience.
..I suddenly woke up on by bed. At home. But where is my past? Give it back, please.. Home, sweet home. Home – is a place where everybody wait you, place where there is eternal hospitality for you. By entering, you feel that tenderly envelops the warmth and caring of people who love you. Or you will be cover by admiring glances and crazy hugs. Or maybe you will be met by an endless fuss and fleeting greeting. Or you will be meeting with yourself. Everything is different, but so dear. The house, of course, is not only the place where you were born, where you were grown, where your family and friends. The house is there, where you feel the same carefree as a child, feel free, and to take all the shortcomings of this place, crave return if you somewhere went, and most importantly - home is where you feel this world, its fruits, its inseparability with us and the love of the world. Speaking about home, home is there where you are loved. I went to sleep in order to return back. To the past.

..I woke up in a cold sweat and I was delighted by this reality. But before I went to sleep from this terrible reality, and feel relief when I was dozing. And each side beckoned. And each side had a dark side. Whether to betake to indifference or to wander from one side to another? But indifference - strength or weakness?  Strength- because you have the courage and willpower to stop suffering and depending on your feelings. Weakness - because you don’t withstand attacks from the outside, you don’t resist them and to give up. No single answer, and each person has own answer for it. You should find answers yourself, and in others look only for the proof.. When I was thinking about it I saw myself happy. I was in my childhood.

Childhood. What it taste like? Sweet, a little salty, but it is delicious. Maturity? Sour, bitter, tart and a little bit spicy, but it’s good enough. Not feeling childhood already comes maturity, appearing maturity, it relentlessly pulls to childhood. The main thing is that not to mess things up something terrible, the main is to blow all the fog that clouds the mind that is intoxicating and it does not give the right to think. And if you sin, just pray. Purely sincerely quiet crazy but pray. Doesn’t matter how to do it. I remember what I was thinking about..

“I'm afraid of sharp sounds, I'm afraid of loneliness; I'm afraid of losing loved ones afraid of insects of betrayal and lie old age and past present and future afraid of myself. We are so eager to find out what is behind the wall but behind the wall only wall behind the endless only endless behind pain just pain behind limit only limit and behind love is love. And I think that’s simple magic. May be only I think so but the world give us this to unravel. Because the world are so excited, so unrepeatable, so beautiful and perfect. ”

Yes, world was perfect for me despite the fact that I did many mistakes. But isn’t it the happiness? I think that’s the happiness – is to love the life, the world, and the universe despite the darkness, mistakes and pain. That’s the magic of the life.