I sobbed into my mother's black dress.

Mother sniffled as she caressed my knotted brown hair.

I opened my mouth to speak, but no words came.

How can she be gone?

After everything we had been through, she was gone. Just like that.

"She was my best friend." I whispered into the cold December air that rustled through the shuffling trees and straight into my heart.

I felt empty. The hole in my chest would never, could never, be filled. Two weeks ago today, my best friend had died. We were on our way to a party. I knew I shouldn't have begged her to come that night.

How could I be so selfish?

The memory sent a new wave of tears rushing down my face.

"Mom this is my fault! If I wouldn't have asked her to come to my party she would have never," my voice faltered, "She would have never..."

I sobbed into her shoulder again, unable to accept the fact that my best friend since childhood was dead.

"Honey this was not your fault. Please never let that thought cross your mind again." She said firmly while rubbing her hand up and down my back.

I looked over to where Jessica's mother sat, her face puffy and red, her expression resembling the brokenness of her heart. The most terrible part is, it was all because of me.

I stood up from where my mother and I were sitting, contemplating the idea of going and talking to my former best friend's mother.

Does she blame me too? I wondered.

"AHHH! Samantha watch out!"

I winced, trying my hardest to block the memories from flooding back in. How could I have been so foolish? To think that Jessica could have lived.

"The right side of the car was completely totaled." I remembered a kid saying that to one of his friends as I walked by them in the school hallway.

My fault, my fault, my fault, I chanted over and over in my head. I know mother had told me not to think that way, but that was simply not possible.

If I wouldn't have gotten invited to that party. If I wouldn't have begged Jessica to go with me. If I wouldn't have convinced her mom to let her go, to tell Jessica to go. Its my fault, all of it.

I decided not to talk to Mrs. Letterman, and headed home with my mother instead.

Once we got home, I rushed upstairs to my room, not uttering another word for the rest of the day. I didn't come down when my mom called me for dinner. I didn't come down the next morning when she called me for breakfast. In fact, I didn't really come down a whole lot in the next few weeks that passed. Maybe only to leave the house when I had to go to school.

"Honey, I'm worried about you. You haven't talked to me in weeks and you're not eating." My mother said as she sat me on the couch for one of our "talks".

"Mom, I already told you I'm fine." I insisted, trying to get to my room as soon as possible.

"I know you. You're not fine. You haven't talked to your other friends in months." She said with concern woven into her expression.

I sighed, "What friends? Unless you can bring Jessica back, I don't want any other friends."

"Sweetie, I know Jessica was your best friend, but you can't stay stuck in one place forever. You need to move forward."

My face contorted in anger, "How could you tell me to move on from something like that? She was my best friend!"

"I didn't say move on honey, I said move forward. There's a difference." She stated calmly.

"Mom, how can I move forward? I murdered my best friend..." My voice faltered.

I cleared my throat and spoke firmly, trying hard not to cry, "I murdered her mom. I killed her. My best friend."

"I thought I told you not to think that way. Honey, you didn't kill Jessica! What happened was an accident."

My mom told me I could go to bed, but not after telling me repeatedly that what happened was not my fault. I still didn't believe her.

The next day my mom woke me up early telling me to get ready for an appointment. Confused and dazed I did what she asked, mostly because I didn't care anymore. We got into the car and drove off to the destination she had apparently made an appointment for.

"A shrink?" I asked appalled as we pulled up to a therapist's office, "I'm not crazy."

"Just because you are attending a therapy session does not make you crazy." She said simply, while putting the car in park and ushering me to follow her into the building. I followed her unwillingly. A monotonous receptionist lady greeted us upon our arrival and we sat down to wait for the shrink to call me in.

"Hi, you must be Samantha." A woman with a big smile plastered on her face motioned to me.

"Hello." I said standing up, staring anywhere but her creepy green eyes.
She led me and my mom to an office in the back of the building and motioned us to go forward.

"Pleasure to meet you Samantha. I'm Lydia Johnson. So what's the issue here?" She asked leaning back in the chair in which she was seated.

My mother sat up in her seat, "My daughter's best friend passed aw-"

"Died." I interrupted her.

The therapist frowned, "Oh dear, well I see how that could have had an affect on such a young woman's life."

I looked at her coldly, "Do you?"

My mother gave me a hard stare, "I did not raise you to be disrespectful young lady."

I looked over to the the lady and unapologetically said, "Sorry."

How could my mom have brought me to this place? I don't need any professional help! I'm not crazy!
The lady and my mother chatted about my well being as I stared off into the distance, thinking of the awfulness I was being forced to endure.

After a while of complaining in my head, I chose a spot on the wall to look at and thought of nothing whatsoever. I had been getting pretty good at that, blocking out the world. I didn't want to be hurt by the physical world anymore. This was the only way to ensure that would never happen again. The only thing that could hurt me now was my own mind.

"Samantha honey? Samantha? Samantha!" My mother tapped me, knocking me out of my daze.

"Yes, mother?" I responded.

"Mrs. Lydia asked you a question."

And so it went on. Three months passed and I was sitting in the same room as the first day we had arrived.

"You need to try to remember." Mrs. Lydia said to me as she did whenever I came in for my weekly session.

"I cannot." I stated simply.

"Surely you can."

I shook my head, "I read online somewhere that serial killers never remember their first kill."

She smiled in an amused manner, "Is that what you think you are? A serial killer? If that is so, I hope you're not too shocked to find out from me that you're not."

I shrugged, "I could be. I read somewhere that serial killers don't actually know they're serial killers until their second kill."

She wrinkled her brow, "Now thats just ridiculous. You have never, nor will you ever become a killer. You haven't killed anyone Samantha. What happened was an accident. Now all you need to do is try. Try to remember. Please?"

I looked down, "I... I don't want to."

"I understand, but sometimes it's good to let the memories back in and talk about the incident."

"This is ridiculous."

I closed my eyes, trying hard to let in the very memory I had been blocking out since the day it had happened.

"This is gonna be the best party ever!" I said as we drove along to Katy Perry's "Teenage Dream".

Jessica rolled her eyes, "Just keep your eyes on the road. The last thing I'd wanna do is die tonight. Actually, that doesn't sound half bad compared to going to that dumb party..."

I shoved her arm lightly as she joked around.

"Don't joke like that. You scare me sometimes."

"Me? Scare you? C'mon Sam, I'm perfectly happy. Why would I want to die?" She said throwing me one of her perfect pearly toothed smiles.

I frowned, "That's exactly what I was wondering when you tried committing suicide."

Her smile faltered, "Just keep your eyes on the road."

"No Jess," I said turning towards her, "I'm tired of just brushing this under the rug! Why did you do it? Did you think we'd be better off? Because we wouldn't. I wouldn't."

"Samantha you just don't understand. Can you please keep your eyes on the road?" She exclaimed.

I shook my head, "Not until you tell me what was running through your mind."

She sighed exasperated, "My dad had just died Sam, I was in a really dark place. I totally regret it though okay? Now can you please keep your eyes on the- AHHH! Samantha watch out!"

I heard the screeching of tires, a loud crash, the sound of metal crushing, felt an extreme amount of pain, and then darkness.

It was so stupid of me, taking my eyes off of the road like I had, but I was just trying to make a point. Either way, I was the stupid one. Now because of me, Jessica was paying the price.

"Are you happy now? Now you know how I killed my best friend! Now you know how the outrageously idiotic me managed to kill the very person who kept me alive!"

I stormed out of the office and ran to my mother's car.

"What happened honey?" My mom asked worriedly as I slammed the door shut and turned my body away from hers.

"I don't want to talk talk about it, please take me home."

My mom took me home and I ran straight up to my room, not uttering a word. My body instantly collapsed onto my bed as I entered the room, sobs rattling my core as I screamed into my pillow. It was as if every single emotion I had been bottling up since the day Jessica had died, exploded out of the deepest caverns of my mind and were painfully slinking their way into the black hole that was my heart. My hands clawed at my chest trying to find a way to alleviate the crippling pain.

I shrieked into my pillow attempting to silence the terrible memories and thoughts my mind relentlessly screamed at me.

I stumbled my way into the bathroom and slammed the door shut, locking it as I turned to the mirror. My brown hair was matted, with clumpy strands sticking to my tear streaked face. I took in a deep breath and counted to ten in my head.

One, Two, Three...

I restarted my counting from one, each time a sob broke through the numbered pattern in my mind. The farthest number I could reach was three.

I took a deep breath and held onto the cold counter top tightly, balancing myself. My eyes were not my own as I stared into my reflection. When had the brightness of my sky blue irises turned into the dark misty blue of a raging sea. When had my exuberant smile become so dull and lifeless? No, this was not the same person I had once known. Although, perhaps a mirror image has never had anything to do with one's true self anyways. Maybe we are truly what we appear to be on the inside, rather than our physical appearance on the outside. Hideous and repulsive.

This was the last thought I had before doing the unthinkable.

I whirled towards the medicine cabinet and roughly pulled it open.

My shaking hands knocked over toothbrushes and face washes as I searched for what I was looking for. I grabbed the bottle of anti-depressant pills I had secretly stopped taking for two weeks and emptied the contents out onto the counter. I grabbed my rinsing cup and filled it halfway with water.

My mind whirled as my trembling hands scooped up a handful of pills.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. It should have been me. It should have been me.

My eyes shut as hot tears rushed down my face.

It should have been me. Why couldn't it have been me?

I tried calming myself down and took deep breaths, telling myself to stay strong, that it would all be over soon.
I'm such a stupid, selfish, lousy excuse of a human. I don't deserve to be here. Jessica does. Jessica deserves to be here.

I tilted my head back, stuffing the handful of pills into my mouth and washing them down with the water, nearly choking on them as I swallowed.

Not too long after, my eyes became droopy and I felt unnaturally dizzy. My cup clattered to the floor as I groped blindly for something to cling onto before I fell. As I landed with a loud thump on the tile, I heard my mother calling for me. Her voice became more and more unfamiliar as my vision began to cloud. For the second time in my life, everything went black.

I opened my crusted eyes to a blinding white light. Surely I must be dead. I smiled as the thought of seeing my best friend again entered my mind. I only wanted the chance to personally tell her how sorry I was.

My thoughts were interrupted by a steady pattern of soft beeping sounds. I opened my eyes more and my throat closed. My vision blurred as my eyes filled with tears, and I began to cry.
My mother stood up from the chair she had been dozing off in and rushed to my side.

"Sweetie what's the matter? You're okay now. You're safe." She said as she laid herself over my body and hugged me.

"No momma, I want to die. I want to die. It should have been me. Why am I alive? Why?" I sobbed incomprehensibly into her chest.

My mother began to cry and shake as she held me against her. We cried for what seemed like hours. It's amazing how our bodies didn't seem to be able to run out of the fluids that flowed from our eyes. My mother sat back and pressed a button that probably called for the doctor.

A short while later the doctor came in and spoke to my mother quietly as I stared blankly at the ceiling. My mom and the doctor stopped talking and came to my side.

"Hello Samantha. I'm Dr. Dunbar and I'll be taking care of you today." Dr. Dunbar continued to ask me a series of questions, most of them regarding how I was feeling.

At the moment, I wasn't really sure. I wasn't dead. A part of me was upset by the fact, but another part was slightly relieved. Seeing my mother's heart broken disposition had made me realize a lot. I didn't want to be the reason she saw the world through a grey haze the way I had been seeing the world, ever since Jessica died.

A week passed in the hospital and I began feeling a little better. The nurses kept me fed and made sure I took all of my medicine. Before I knew it, my doctor was releasing me from the hospital and I was back in my own room.

"How are you feeling sweetie?" My mom asked as she tucked my blanket under my chin.

"I'm sorry mom." I said sincerely.
I couldn't help but feel terrible for everything I had put my mother through.

She smiled at me sadly, "I'm just glad you're better now."

A month passed by and my life became slightly more routine. I went to my therapist every day at three in the afternoon, and to grief counseling support groups three times a week at five. My mood was improving and I had began going to school again. I had started speaking to some of my old friends, they were also really supportive.

One day, while speaking to my therapist, I became upset.

"I could have prevented all of this hurt. If I would have just-"

"Samantha, you can't think that way anymore. Sometimes bad situations in life just happen for a reason. You need to learn to accept what happened and move forward."

My mind flashed back to when my mother had told me almost the exact same thing. In hindsight, a lot could have also been prevented if I had just listened to her then.

"I miss her." I whispered as a tear slid down my cheek.

"Have you gone back to visit her lately?"

"No, not since her funeral." The thought had never crossed my mind.
"I think it's time you do. She might just miss you too."

I smiled at the thought and thanked her as I headed for my mother's car.

I asked her If I could drive myself to the graveyard, two things I hadn't done since the accident. My mom agreed reluctantly and waved to me as I pulled out of the driveway.

I took calming breaths and drove slowly to my destination. I parked my mom's car and stepped out into the cold winter air. As I approached the spot where my best friend lay, I noticed another woman sitting on the bench by her grave.

I turned abruptly to leave when I heard the woman call out to me.

"Samantha?"

I looked at my former best friend's mother as she beckoned me over to where she sat.

"Hello Mrs. Letterman." I mumbled as I took my seat by her side.

"How have you been?" She asked me kindly.

She had always been like a second mother to me.

"I'm better. How are you?"

She smiled faintly, "I'm better also. I heard about what happened Sammy."
"Oh, I-I'm sorry." I said with my head down in shame.

I felt so selfish. It was so selfish of me to try to kill myself, when the only thing Mrs. Letterman wanted was one more chance to hold her own daughter in her arms.

My eyes began to water as I thought of the old days I used to spend with Jessica and her mom.

"I'm so sorry Mrs. Letterman. I understand if you blame me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." I blubbered as my best friend's mother took me into her arms like she used to do when a boy would break my heart.

I realized then that my heart had never truly been broken until the day my best friend died.

"Samantha honey, is that what you think? I don't blame you at all. Shhh, honey it's okay. Jessica wouldn't want to see you like this. There are things we just have no control over. Jessica doesn't blame you so neither should you. You're the closest thing I have to a daughter now so I need to you stay strong and move forward."

After embracing me, she left me to be alone with my belated friend.

As I sat in silence, with the wind lightly brushing against me, I remembered the way Jessica used to smile and laugh. In that moment, I realized that Jessica would never truly be gone. She would always be apart of me, in the very place that needed her most, my heart.