Every day for three months I never let go of my phone. After that time when we were CONSTANTLY talking, the abrupt silence was a lot to handle. I still hold my phone incase I get that small two letter word from you. Hi. But of course it never comes. Now every time that I enter a room I search for you first. And when you are there I can sense you, sitting across the room in class. I’ll look your way and in that unguarded moment I see you smile to yourself. Looking at your phone texting her. She makes you happy i’m sure, and i’m glad for that but it doesn’t mean that it doesn't hurt. You could get anybody and you let me think that I had a chance. That was your first mistake. Your second being the lie. I promised I would always be there for you and you told me I could come to you too, but after a while I wonder if it’s okay to break a promise if the other person doesn’t hold up their end of the deal. When I’m sitting alone sometimes i’ll just wonder. Is it okay If I just stopped. Stopped thinking about you, just stopped caring about you. That would obviously be the easiest way to go. I mean It’s not like I have anything to say to you anyway. But for some stupid reason I can’t let go of the past. Even with everything I know I still let myself be available to you 24/7. And it makes my life 10 times harder to control. I hate it but I want to hold my end of the bargain. Even if right now there is nothing I can do. Even if I have been replaced, even if it means that I can’t have you, maybe I could still help you.
This was scrawled in my journal three days before he jumped, it was written two days before I decided to turn off my phone and ignore him. And the decision was made 30 seconds before he needed me.
Maybe I could help you.
Maybe I could have helped you.