Don’t pick your nose; nobody likes the nose picker. When the teacher says its naptime, stay awake. Make sure others know that you stayed awake. Refuse to sweep up your crumbs after lunch. Have a best friend. Pressure that friend to sweep up your crumbs after lunch. If you ever throw up in the classroom, you’re done. The kids will tease and you’ll be referred to as “the girl who puked in first grade” for the rest of your life. Have a crush on Manny. Although you don’t like Manny, everyone else does, so it doesn’t matter. Manny always carries Chap Stick, and you should like that. Never wear the same shirt twice in one week. Even if it’s washed and clean, don’t wear it again; the mean girls will smirk and say, “Didn’t you already wear that shirt this week?” and then you’ll say, “No” and tuck your chin to your neck but they always know. Accumulate a group of friends, and always sit with them at a full lunch table. While someday you might just want to sit alone and read your book during lunch, you can’t. Giggle with your friends during class, and when the teacher says, “Girls, what are we giggling about?” giggle some more. Buy a trainer bra. Tell all of your friends. When everyone else buys trainer bras, buy a bra with cups. Tell all of your friends. Start dating Manny. Besides, you’ve grown to like him from pretending to like him. Hold hands whenever possible. Beg your parents for a cell phone. Get a cell phone. Place it under your desk between your legs, and text your best friend something mildly funny. She’ll crack up. Tell your friends whenever you’re on your period, and complain about how crampy you are, even if you’re not. Slow dance with Manny at the middle school dance. If he’s sick that day, find someone else to dance with. Don’t stand alone. Kiss Manny. Ideally, you should be the first of your friends to kiss a boy. Tell them about the kiss, so they’ll circulate the story through the school. Make sure this kiss happens in middle school. If your first kiss is in high school, keep it to yourself. After the age of 15 they’ll make fun of you and say things like, “I just lost my virginity, and you still have virgin lips.” Don’t raise your hand in class. Hold your head up with the palm of your hand at all times to appear uninterested. If you show too much interest you’ll be called a nerd. You don’t want to be a nerd. Shop at Forever 21. Start straightening your hair. It’ll take away the frizz that makes people tell you to “go back to the circus.” Wear makeup, but don’t ever wear bright colored lipstick. Mascara and eyeliner will suffice. Break up with Manny and tell your friends how clingy he was. You know he was really just in love with you, but they don’t need to. Get bad grades. You’re allowed to take honors classes, but you have to have at least one bad grade. Tell your friends you don’t care about it. Get grounded by your parents for it. Go to every dance. Wear short shorts, even if it’s cold out. Dance with multiple boys, letting them come up behind you and touch you however they’d like to. Let them place one hand on your right hip and work the other up your shirt, while their bulges rub against places you don’t want them to. Never say no. If you tell them not to touch you, they’ll call you a prude and point at you and laugh and you’ll be known as the prude for the rest of your life. You have to be a slut because people like sluts and they flirt with sluts and flirtation is the gateway to popularity. Point out Manny to your friends. He’s standing all alone with his hands in his pockets. You may want to be with him and tell him that you’re sorry and that you love him. Laugh instead. Shop at Urban Outfitters. Don’t be caught dead shopping at Forever 21. Wear leggings multiple times a week. Reference Mean Girls wherever possible. Play a sport, and be good at it. People can’t wrap their brains around someone who simply doesn’t like to play sports. Go out every Friday night. If you ever want to stay in when everyone else is going out, say that you’re grounded. That’s the only excuse. Start drinking coffee-- you hate the taste, but you’ll get used to it. Go farther than anyone in your grade has gone with a guy. Next time, go even farther. Never say no. If you say no, you’ll forever be “the only girl who ever said no.” Leave Manny in the dust. Go out with your friends twice a month. Take pictures every time. If you didn’t post it on Facebook, it doesn’t count. People won’t believe that you’re having fun unless they see a picture to prove it. Go to a party. Drink. If you don’t get drunk, pretend.
Oh.
You’re not skinny?
Don’t bother.