“I remember that it hurt. Looking at him hurt.”
His smile was the first thing on my mind when I woke up, and what I dreamed about in my sleep. Pain resurfaced when I saw that smile, but that smile was the only thing keeping me alive. Shaking the thought of him out of my head was the hardest thing to do but I wanted to do it so bad. Pretending I didn’t care was like lying to myself.
What did I want? I didn’t want him, yet I didn’t want him to be with anyone else. I liked him, but in the way you like a flower or chocolate cake.
What did I want . . . I ask myself all the time. I wanted to love him. I wanted to love him like you love the moon and the stars. I wanted to love him like a summer breeze. I wanted a rush like driving on the highway with the windows down and the wind in your hair. I wanted a romance so rare like a light drizzle meets a hot day and nobody minds the rain because it’s perfect. I wanted a love like the sun, so depended on, so needed, and like on a perfect day, you never want the sun to set.
Now I don’t want to love him. Now I just want to look at him and not feel any pain. I want now, to just be happy. ????