I looked at myself one last time in the bathroom mirror, the sound of the porcelain tub filling with water roared through the small room. The voices inside of my head screamed over the sound, each word dripping venom. Empty prescription bottles lay in disarray on the counter, the pills numbing me to the sting I would feel of the blade incising up my arm, opening the flesh and reaching my eager vein. A waterfall, the blood spilled over the edge of my arms landing on the white tiles in a puddle. After a split second I thought my mom’s gonna kill me but then realized I’ll already be dead.  I sauntered over to the tub as fast as I could, my head spinning faster than Mercury orbits around the sun. I maneuvered one foot into the tub then the other trying not to fall over and ruin my entire plan, though if I were to fall I would smash my head on the edge of the sink and break my neck. I sat and eventually felt the warm water through my clothes, if I didn’t move the water calmed to sit at the center of my chest. One, two, three. I let out the breath in my lungs and submerged myself into to stained water reaching for oblivion.
I hesitantly opened my eyes at the irritating sound of a constant beeping, spaced out with a second of silence. The bright florescent lights above blinded me temporarily making black dots show up in my vision, the ceiling panels above displayed water stains, which most likely encompassed mold. I tried to swallow but there was a tube shoved down my trachea forcing air into my lungs and pulling it back out. I turned my head slightly to the left and there was my mother, asleep in an ugly brown chair, her hair was messy like she hadn’t brushed it in days, her makeup was smeared down her face, Was she crying? The wall behind the chair was an off white, yellow with age. I felt my stomach turn; my entire body was filled with disgust as I looked at her in that chair. I had to attempt suicide for her to care about me, all I ever wanted from her was love and I got hostility, instead of kisses I got beatings. I am not leaving this hospital with her.
The nurse walked in, she glanced up at me, “Oh, you’re awake.” I glared at her, Are you a moron? Of course I’m awake, my freakin’ eyes are open, I’m breathing. I’m breathing. Against my will, I am forced to be alive. She walked toward me, she took a bunch of little steps, she finally got to the side of my bed, her uniform seemed to fit a bit too snug for her body type. She leaned over and began to take to tube out of my throat, all I could smell was cheap makeup and cigarettes. Huh, maybe she’s a prostitute after her shift for the day is done. Hah, pleasing men with her too plump body.
“This is going to feel a little funny when it comes out okay?” she tried too hard to be sweet, it was sickly. As the tube came up my trachea I gagged, she pulled it out of my mouth and smiled, “There,” she said, “How do you feel?” By this time my mother was up and standing opposite to the nurse, staring at me.
“Not even death wants me.” My voice cracked from the lack of moisture in my mouth. I turned my gaze away as my eyes filled with tears.