I lay awake in my warm bed as my internal alarm clock went off. I watched the thick, morning light pour into my room through a crack in my slippery curtains and let the same coffee-like smell enter my nostrils. I loved the vibration of my flower covered bed that I felt every morning which occurred from my mom shuffling around.

    The familiar craving that regularly engulfed me was back. My body screamed for nourishment but all i wanted was the drug. To me, heroin was beautiful and I wasn’t. It gave me a sense of what it felt like to be beautiful when I was high.
    I got up, wobbled to the bathroom and splashed water onto my tired, boring face. As I turned off the rushing water and reached for the door I heard,
    “Cherry!”
    It was Tyler. I could tell by her slightly deep voice. I heard my mom greet her and send her upstairs. I panicked because I just wanted to get high.
    I remembered when my brother used to get high all the time and a conversation I had with him when he was in rehab and I was in 7th grade. I never thought I would turn out like him.
*        *        *
I felt my palms sweat and voice shake as I gripped the phone.
“I love you sis,” said Ryan.
    This was when I felt my chest ache and face tense up. There was so much I wanted to say but couldn’t.
    How could you do this to me? After all the time I’ve needed you, you’ve never been there. I couldn’t say it out loud. No, not when he’s been hurting too.
    I wept silently on the phone as he waited for a response. I bit my lip and attempted to say, “I love you too.”
    I didn’t want to cry, especially not in front of Ryan.
    “You’re still young, you know we still have time to make up for lost memories which i should’ve been apart of,” he explained gently.
    My voice shifted.
    “I just want a big brother who actually feels like a big brother,” I couldn’t believe I just said that. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt him even more.
“I’m-I’m sorry,” I mumbled softly.
“Don’t be, I expected you to be at least a little bit mad at me,” Ryan laughed.
I felt incredibly uncomfortable especially since i hadn’t seen or talked to him in years.
I felt like I had lost everything since he’d been gone. Like the beauty of the world had faded. Just sitting in the empty room clutching all I had of my brother in my hand had never felt so lonely.
“Hey Cherry, my time’s up. I gotta go. Love ya.”
“I love you. Call me soo--” I heard the line click off.
*        *        *
Turns out, I was following in his exact footsteps.
I felt the vibration of Tyler’s footsteps stomp up the worn out, wooden stairs. I swiftly ran into my room, grabbed the drugs and slipped back into the bathroom just as Tyler reached the top of the stairs. I perched upon the counter and waited. I don’t know what for, but I waited.
    I didn’t hear Tyler’s footsteps anymore so I felt safe. Safe to finally feel the beauty that my drugs withheld.
    I filled the needle with the liquid heroin, took a deep breathe and injected the long, cold, weapon into the crease of my arm. The excitement i felt made time stop and the three seconds I sat there, felt like days. I was so content with myself that i was even brave enough to glance back in the mirror. Still ugly. Still boring. Still sad.
    My eyelids started to droop low when all the sudden somebody burst through the door startling me. I threw the needle, heroin and the rest of my stuff across the bathroom into the shower.
    “Cherry!” Tyler screamed.
I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t do anything. I felt so embarrassed
and ashamed but I was too high to acknowledge it. In this moment i hated myself more than ever. I was broken and now my best friend knew my secret.
    “What is going on with you Charlotte?” I could see the disappointment in her eyes.
    “I think it’s pretty self explanatory,” I breathed.
My face turned red and suddenly I felt dizzy. I weakly reached for something to grab but failed as I tumbled onto the dirty floor. Tyler reached for me but I denied her touch. I didn't deserve it right now. Or ever.
“It's not a big deal, I swear.” But who was I trying to convince, Tyler or myself?
“I'm not buying it. I don't even know you anymore. You need help...now,” she said sternly.
     My throat swelled, my eyes burned and my jaw tensed. Still, at 17 years old I didn’t want to cry in front of anyone.
“You're so beautiful Charlotte. And I'm not talking about your face or your looks.
It's you. Your compassion and empathy for people is what makes you beautiful.”
I couldn't hold back the tears now. I just let it all out.
“Please don't tell my mom,” I weaped.
“We have to. Come on.”
As we walked down the stairs I couldn't stop shaking. I felt like my life was over when in reality it was a new start. I could be free if everyone knew my secret.
Tyler explained to my mom what she had discovered. I expected her to yell and
not understand but all she did was understand.
“We’re gonna get you help. I love you no matter what.”
  *        *        *
A few days later I lay awake on the warm bed of Pine View Residence watching the same thick, morning light pour into my room through their slippery curtains this time. But the difference was that I had motivation to finally get my life together. I am beautiful.