Hi, my name is Alice. I?ve always lived on the same street my whole life in Queens New York. I wouldn?t say my life is hard, but it?s defiantly not easy. I?ve lived with my mom since I was born. She got pregnant with me when she was twenty one and my dad flipped out and left. I?ve met my dad once or twice, but he?s a dead beat and doesn?t do anything for me or my mom. Anyways, my mom has always has had boyfriends in the past, but decied that she doesn?t need a man to make her strong. She?s gotten along just fine without one for quite some time. As for me, I?ve always wanted a boyfriend, but never had one. Sure guys have liked me, but they were either nerdy or just plain stupid. I need a man who will protect me and keep me safe. Someone who will always be there for me and will call me when he needs me. If you haven?t noticed I?m a helpless romantic. I wish my life could be like all the books I?ve read where the heroine is swept off her feet by a gallant, strong, handsome, young man and he takes her away to his castle to live together in happiness for ever and ever. Of course that would never happen, but the thought of it is nice. There has to be a guy out there like that. Right?

I really love to write. It helps me pour out my feeling in a healthy manner. Sometimes I?m really happy, and other times I?m really sad?so I write sad poetry. It?s kinda depressing, but its really pretty. I don?t know why I get in such a funk. Maybe its because I don?t have that many close friends. Maybe its just who I am. The same thing happens to my mom. She?ll go for days being sad and I have to help her out of it. That?s defiantly not something I look forward to when I get home, but what I do look forward to is my cat Rufus. He?s all black with one green eye and one blue eye. He sleeps with me at night and keeps me company and I always wake up with him on my face.

9/4/08

I went to the doctor yesterday. I had been feeling really down and my mom was worried about me. The doctor says I suffer from depression. Apparently its genetic and can be helped with medicine. He gave me a prescription that I can pick up at the drug store in two days. I hate medication! And I don?t know if I want to take it. I?ll try it for a little while, but if I don?t like it, I won?t take it any more. It seems as if my best writing comes when I am sad and depressed, so why would I want to be normal and write crappy stuff?

It?s the first day of school tomorrow. I?m kinda excited, but not really. I rather just stay home and teach myself. I?m actually really smart and don?t need a teacher who knows less than me tell me how to do stuff when I already know it. Well only two more years and I can get out of this rat hole and go somewhere nice for college.

9/5/08

Well that was an interesting first day of school. My homeroom teacher was changed from Mr. Barringer to Miss Barrett. She?s not much older than I am. Probably only seven years. I don?t know how good of a teacher she will be, but she seems nice enough. I like her, but I would much prefer Mr. B. He?s so cute and always sits on top of the desk, or behind it. It?s so bohemian of him. If only I was a little bit older I could have him.

I?d love to have a boyfriend this year and I think Paul would be perfect. He?s a writer and a gorgeous man. I think he?s the man I need. Maybe I should get to know him better before I start to plan the wedding. Can?t wait for tomorrow!



9/30/08

Today was just another day of school. Well?kinda? I was in the middle of one of my serious writing sessions and we had homework to do and apparently I was the only one who did it, so I turned it in, and with it, one of my doodles of Paul and me. I didn?t realize it until Miss Barrett gave it back to me. She said she didn?t read it, but I know she did. Well at least she knows some of it. She?s actually the only person who really knows knows. It was defiantly embarrassing, but should love be? Love is truly blind. Blind to those in it and blind to those who don?t even know they are in it. Paul doesn?t even know the truth, but I know that he will some day and come to love me. He?s just so brilliant and beautiful and oh! So anyways?Miss Barrett handed me back the letter and the girl next to me took it right from my hands and started to read it out loud! I was completely morified! Luckily Miss B. got it back from them and handed it to them. I wish I could have just assereted myself and gotten the letter back, but I?m too timid. I hate that about myself. Well maybe one day I?ll have the guts to tell Paul how I really feel about him. Hopefully that will be soon.

10/15/08

Ok, so I?ve decided I need to talk to Paul about how I really feel about him. I think it?s best I not do it at school as to not have anyone else find out about it. I went this morning and snook into the teacher?s lounge to look up his address on his timecard. It?s pretty far away, but I have to do it. I have to overcome my shyness! On top of all of this, I refuse to take my meds for the depression. It makes me feel not like myself and I hate it! My mom forces me to but I just throw them away. Today will be the day I tell my feeling to him. I can feel it!

10/21/08

I went to Paul?s yesterday and I told myself I was going to talk to him. Get all of my feelings out on the tableand let him know how I really feel about him, but I just couldn?t! I don?t understand why! Why couldn?t I just say three little words that have all the meaning in the world. I LOVE YOU PAUL BARRINGER!!! That?s it! I need you in my life! You are the reason I get up in the morning and come to school! You are what?s keeping me from not caring about school anymore. It?s you! You are the only person in my life who makes me feel I have something to contribute to society! I NEED you in my life!!! Why can?t I just say it to your face!!!! UHGG!!! I hate that so much about myself! I pray every night that you will love me and take me in your throbbing embrace and whisk me away to your palace, even if its just some dirty apartment in Queens. I don?t care. I want to be Lucie Manette and you my Charles Darney and we can escape this mudwridden town and go some place beautiful forever. I rather be like Juliet and die for my true love than live in this world without you, Paul?

Nothing
Sounds like sweet reeds
Blowing in the wind.
Whispers as if the
Wind is calling to me.
A warm hand brushes
My cheek, but
It?s only a wrinkled
Old leaf blowing away
From it?s home.
A voice calls and tells
Me go, but I cannot . Its says
Be as an old leaf
In the wind.
Nothing to lose
Nothing to gain
Only the unknown before you
And then
Nothing

11/15/08

Paul and my mother have something in common. They both keep me rooted, but when those roots are upturned, the tree wobbles and falls to the ground. It comes crashing to the ground in one giagantic heap. Now if a tree falls in the forest and no one?s around to hear it, does it make a sound? I ask this very question. I jumped out the window not for spite, not for attention, but because I was genuinely done with life. I had nothing to live for anymore. My mom is in the hospital and isn?t coming out any time soon. My one love has abandoned me forever and crushed all of my hopes and fantasies. So what did I have to live for anymore? Absolutly nothing? I don?t want to see anyone right now. There isn?t anyone who would want to see me anyway. I heard Miss Barrett tried to come by the other day, but I couldn?t handle it. I don?t want to see anyone from school. It reminds me too much of?no?I can?t talk about it any more. It?s too painful.

11/25/08

My leg is broken in three places. I have two fractured disks in my spine. Both of my arms are broken and I have a severe concussion. I broke four ribs and my foot had to be reconstructed because it was shattered, but luckily nothing is perminatly damaged. I might not be able to walk for a year or so, but with physical thetepy I should be normal in three or four years. The doctors have put me on a thousand different medications. This for pain, that for the healing, and IV and a bunch of other stuff I can?t pronounce. They also have me on anti-depressants. I don?t know how I feel about that. I don?t feel completely like myself, but I do feel much better. I?m not always upset anymore and unthinking all the time and they help clear my head a bit. Everything is so unreal to me nowadays. I don?t even know why I jumped out of that window. I don?t even know why I wrote that stupid letter. It was such a stupid mistake and I can?t take it back. The doctors say I?ll be in the hospital for at least another two months and another three in a rehab center. Not the type where druggies and alcoholics go, but where I can recover. It?s kinda like a hospitol, but with less dieing people. I don?t have to go home, which is good. I mean how could I get up three flights of stairs without and elevator and two broken arms and a broken leg. I guess one good thing came of all of this. My mom is seeking medical help for her depression! She goes to a clinic three times a week after work and its seems to be helping her a lot! She?s much more pleasant to be around and she doesn?t throw fits anymore. She actually came to visit me yesterday. She tries to come everyday, but she has to work and support herself, and my medical bills. Our insurance doesn?t cover a lot so we will be in debt for a long time, but we?ll recover somehow. I?m letting visitors in now. Carole even sent me flowers that were signed by a lot of students in the class. Not everyone signed it, such as Lou and Lennie, but Linda signed it which surprised me a lot. I didn?t even think she noticed me. Well at least some people care about me, or at least know who I am. Well at anything, it means a lot to me. They were daisies and tulips. My favorite flowers of all. They are absolutely beautiful and they smell great and make my room smell more like home. Maybe someone will come to visit me tomorrow?!