My brother’s kinda crazy. His name is Alec. He wears a lot of black and has a strange affinity for Blink 182. But, he’s my brother, and I love him. Alec is smart but he doesn’t let anyone know. I used to read to him when we were young. I think I made him smart. I am the older brother. Alec is the younger brother. I went to homecoming this year, Alec did not. I went with a nice and pretty girl named Grace. It was fun, but kind of awkward. Alec stayed home with the door shut.

Alec had a crush on Sarah. Sarah is pretty and popular. Alec was popular too. He is objectively good looking in a totally straight, non-incestual type of way. One day Alec wore a red shirt with buttons. The day Alec wore a red shirt with buttons he asked Sarah out on a date. Sarah said yes. I don’t know why, it must have been the red shirt with buttons. Alec and Sarah went on a date. They kissed. He told me about it. It was awkward.

Alec wore red more after that. Sometimes he even wore yellow. I liked to wear blue. Mom said it brought out my eyes. I had happy eyes and a nice smile. I had lots of friends. My friends’ names were Josh, Grace (she became my girlfriend), Grant, Adam and Kris (Kris is a girl). We went to the skatepark, the mall, walked in the city, and watched lots of movies. I was a lot of fun. Alec would always come with us. My friends liked Alec.  He annoyed me sometimes. I loved him anyway.

I was smart. So is Alec. I was smarter than Alec. Alec got straight A’s like me. Alec is smart. He is failing high school. I played football. And basketball. And soccer. I was very good. Alec played too. He was good. Sometimes he beat me, even though I was older. I was still better. Alec liked sports. He quit. He likes to keep the door shut.

Alec and I were best friends. We did everything together. We played sports, video games, board games. I taught him to ride a bike. Our dad is dead. Our mom works a lot. I taught him to throw a baseball. I read to him at night. Our dad could be alive, but it’s easier to think he’s dead. It hurts less. Alec feels sad a lot. I don’t know why, he doesn’t remember Dad. I remembered. He poured my cereal. He made Mommy look purple. That’s all I remember.

I talk to Alec a lot. He likes to keep the door shut. I’m the only one who can open it. Mom isn’t allowed. Once she came in anyway. Alec hadn’t been out in hours. She was worried. I was with him. She stopped the bleeding. Men in blue suits came. Their car made loud noises. I rode with Alec. I had tried to stop him. He just kept going. He wouldn’t stop. I kept telling him. I yelled at him. I threw the blade away. He held the blade tighter. He just kept going.

He stayed in the hospital that night. Our friends came to see him, but he would not let them in. I tried to tell them he just needed space. They could not understand. It was not their fault they didn’t understand. I hope they never understand. Alec likes to keep the door shut.

I liked to play video games. My favorite games were Madden and COD. I also liked the classics like Mario Kart. Alec liked video games too. We played together. He likes different games than me. We went to friend’s houses to play video games. We didn’t have a tv. I played his games with him so he wouldn’t be alone, even though we did not like the same games. Our friends were nice and let us eat their food. They kept looking at us with sad eyes. It was annoying. They were still our friends. We used to play soldiers. I was the general. Alec was the colonel. We liked to pretend Dad died saving us from the bad guys. It was easier than the truth. It hurt less. Alec stopped talking about it.

School ended, Alec and I walked home. It was a normal day. I asked about school, he told me. This was back when he used to talk. Alec doesn’t talk any more. He was also still playing sports. He tossed me the ball. I caught it. Repeat. Our house was small. Mom was a bartender. She didn’t make a lot of money.  Our trailer was blue. I threw him the ball. Alec caught it. He threw me the ball. Repeat. Strange men came over. I heard noises. They did not stay long. She cried when they left. I stepped over the broken lawn chair. Alec tossed me the ball. I caught it. I threw it back. Alec missed. I ran in the street to get it for him. Alec likes to keep the door shut.

Mom cries a lot. Why is she so sad? She used to be happy in the daytime. We played together. She was quiet at night. That’s when Dad came home. Dad used to get mad at her. She never made enough money. Mom worked everyday. Mom said nothing would happen to me. She stood in front of me. She cried. She became happy when he left. Now she is sad again. I love Mom. Alec loves Mom. Alec likes to keep his door shut.
Alec and Sarah dated. They liked each other. Alec never brought her home. I don’t know why. I brought Grace home. Grace liked Alec. Alec is funny. We went on double dates. It was fun, and easy. It was also awkward. Grace used to be happy and smile. Now she is sad and angry. Sarah broke up with Alec. She said she couldn’t handle it. I thought that was a little rude. I had liked Sarah. I do not like Sarah now, because Alec does not like Sarah. Unanimity is key for brothers like us. I tell Alec he’ll move on. He doesn’t respond. Alec likes to keep the door shut.

Mom went to the doctor. He said she was sick. She had AIDs. She didn’t tell Alec, but he knew. I knew because I am the older brother and I know everything. She stayed in bed a lot. The men still come over. I think she stopped caring. She didn’t bother to cry. She saved all the money she had in a shoebox in her closet. It was labeled “College Fund”. She knew Alec was smart, even though I was smarter. One night, a man came in and stole the shoe box. Mom cried. Alec tried to comfort her. All he could do was hold her, and cry. Mom kept her door shut too.

Alec kept the door shut, but I came in anyway. Alec sat on the floor. He held a gun. He was crying. I understood. I talked to him. I told him to stop, things would get better. He could get out of this place. He could be great. He could save Mom. He could save himself. He didn’t respond. I tried to wrench the gun away from him. My hand went through it. Alec’s blood ran down his wrists. I screamed louder and louder. Stop! Alec, I love you, stop! We can play ball again, and ride bikes. I’m not like Dad, I’ll never leave you! He looked at me. That was the first time he saw me. Is that really you? Yes, Alec, it’s me. I’m not leaving you. No, you’re not leaving me, Alec told me. I’m coming to you. Alec put the gun in his mouth. I screamed and pulled the gun away with all I had. I could not move it. Alec pulled the trigger. We were finally together. Alec liked to keep the door shut. Now, we open it together.