It’s been 1 month and 6 days since we ended, and I still find it excruciatingly painful to write about it again. These past few months have been brutal. I think I lost myself entirely when you decided that you never wanted to speak to me again, yet I find all reasons to blame myself for it. I really cannot put it into words how it feels to have your first love break your heart or how long it’ll take to get over it. I don’t know the answers to these questions, and I think I’ll always be searching for them.
You were the greatest thing to ever happen to me, and I know in my heart you felt the same. So I don’t know what happened. I don’t know why you did what you did, but I suppose there isn’t always an answer for everything. 6 months is a long, long time to be in a relationship with someone even if we were off and on. But I’ll tell you right now that the happiness you gave me will never be felt again for the longest time. And the reason for this is because you really did break my heart, and I have to gain back the self­esteem I so desperately lost. I want to be who I was before this, but after you lose someone you love, you really are never the same person again. Or at least that’s what I think.
Even though the feelings for you have faded, I know in my heart that I’m still not over you. I’ll always need answers. I believe it’s called closure. I still check up on you. I still think you’ll call even if it’s been a month. I’m still in love with you, and learning to live with that is inevitable. Loving you is inevitable. Even though advice helps, nothing heals heartbreak. The only advice I can give you is that you need to tell yourself that this is not the end of the world even though it may seem like it is. I thought that for 1 month. It was plain misery, and I kept telling myself that it would never get better. I truly did believe that. I sat in my own pain and suffered because I didn’t think anything would cure my heartbreak. I was alone for most of the time, and within a month I have really grown into somebody I thought I would never be. I’ve matured tremendously through this heartbreak.

Although he was a part of my high school life for the first year, he remains in the past, and that’s where he’ll stay. I don’t regret falling in love with him. It was exactly what I wanted even if I’m too stubborn to admit to it. The truth is, your first was your first for a reason. And that first relationship will teach you so many things that you never thought about before.
We are not going to get a happy ending­ not with each other and not right now.Maybe not ever. And that will have to do. Though I will miss your hand in mine. I hope one day you'll remember being tangled with me and it will make you laugh before you cringe because I didn't like to be alone. As I layed there crying I struggled to even find a cause for my sadness. I have all these great things in my life, but I always seem drawn to finding an empty space in my heart. No matter how big I smiled, I always found a reason to frown. My mind holds me captive in a pool of my tears, and I was being pulled to the deep end.I didn’t even want to go to sleep some nights, I had to force myself. But every few hours or so, I’d wake up again, hoping that there was some kind of message from you, anything from you. And every time i woke up, I waited a little, just to see if you’d wake up randomly too and recide to message me. But you didn't, you never did.

I’m still angry, and I doubt that’ll change. I still ask myself why he doesn’t want to remain a part of my life because when it came down to loyalty, can't nobody walking on this earth say I did them wrong. If I stopped talking to you it was because of you. Yeah it hurts to know that he lost interest in me, kind of like someone punching me in the face. And it also did pain me to walk pass him, pretending we never met and never stayed up all night talking, which feel like a knife through my chest every time. But what truly hurt most, so bad that I can't find the words to explain it, he left without a single word. I keep waiting for a sign or something from him but I should accept that sometimes, no message is also a message.
So what I’m trying to get at is that relationships are never supposed to be forever, but you will get better. I promise. I really do hope whoever reads this finds the courage to move on and never look back. Actually, you can look back. You can reminisce on the memories all you want. That is okay. I do it all the time, but don’t torture yourself. I used to be addicted to looking at pictures of us because I felt that it was the only thing I still had of us, but the truth of the matter is the only things I really do have are the memories, and those too are in the past. I remember not wanting to get out of bed, and everyone yelling at me to stop going to sleep so late. But it wasn't that, I was not tired at all. I was sad, I was so sad that even getting out of bed seemed pointless to me. It was hard, being so sad that it became a struggle to get up in the mornings.So my advice for girls out there who have gotten their hearts broken as well is that keep fighting. People say that if you truly love someone, you should let them go as if it's that easy. I think that's bull****. You invest so much time in loving a person, giving them your heart, your soul, your love, and everlasting affection and you are told that as a way of showing how much you truly care, you should let them go, and watch them slip away from your fingers. I say, no. If you truly love someone, you fight for them. You fight like hell, because that's what love is supposed to be about. It's about fighting for them. And when fighting no longer works, that’s when it's really over.So forgive yourself for your mistakes, but know that this relationship is supposed to teach you things. You’re supposed to grow from it. And after all is said and done, you’re going to get better. You will learn to love again, and you most certainly will learn to love yourself again.