Beginning of Everything
I turned my head, the moon radiant and burnished, like a gemstone glared over my bedroom window. I was awoken by the sound of something mysterious; I leapt from my bedcovers and into the night. It was cold, so cold that it felt like my heartbeat had frozen altogether. From below me was a sound it startled me I couldn’t breath I was hyperventilating already.

Were I live at this specific period of time, is hardly a home it’s just surrounded by a sea of cardboard boxes. I missed my old home the sort of place where it smelt of rich candles and my mums home made cooking, not damp and vile like where we are now. I’d always remembered sharing my childhood in the place I used to live. The memories crystal clear. I mean I’d remember the county fairs and the countless hours I would spend just staring around at the beauty of my own wonderland. Even though I suffered from hay fever I couldn’t stop myself from staring at the colours fixed on the flowerbeds. I was fascinated by nature and the whole world; everything had a meaning, every insignificant flower, every golden petal and even a single blade of damp grass. It amazed me, I knew I thought too much about everything and anything but I couldn’t help who I was. I never plan to change either

“Lottie, pumpkin come here for me please”
I waddled over to my mum in my nappy, she smiled, it was perfect we were all one big happy family, mum, dad and me. We walked across the fields picking blackberries, they tasted amazing the juices melted on my tongue and trickled down my throat, we always made pies in the summer the sort of special home made ones that could beat Morrison’s pre- made meals by far. Cathy patted me on the head, gently my dad picked me up, I squealed in delight. I craved his attention. I got very little of it but when I did it was one of the most amazing feelings in the world. He sat me on his lap and rocked me slowly, Cathy gave me my dummy I took hold of it in my tiny hand It pressed against my skin but I vaguely noticed nothing could rewind this moment, nothing at all.

Rain streamed down the window, dad had gone somewhere I was stuck in my highchair a screamed and whimpered at the top of my squeaky little voice, but no one could hear me Cathy was fast asleep. She said to me before
“ Mummies going to go have some drink ”
I believed her, nodding happily as I thought she meant we’d have a drink together, like when we went to milkshake Saturdays down the road from were we lived, it was far different from that.

Since I was inside a house so unfamiliar, which was planted on the outside of the dreary coast; I couldn’t help but think inside my mind that darkness would somehow get the better of me. No brightness seemed to get inside my room apart from the moonlight fawning through my curtains. The light peeked through and set itself against my bed, I peered out the window staring at the moon and it was full and beautiful in every single way. I stood still listening to the wind it was whistling gently; the tress swayed gracefully with it.


Every Step I took lead to more sound, my feet clambered across the long stretch of my bedroom. I reached for the door handle, but I couldn’t get my hand to go any further as soon as I touched the base of it I could hear breathing coming closer to me it leapt forwards towards my neck getting closer and closer towards my ear. It pushed me further and further grasping its hands around my neck slashing at me with its sharp fingers I fell towards to ground my head exploded I could feel it, the pain spread across my body like a cold chill spreading across on a winters night. I could smell the blood trickling down my head, it was salty and strong; after a few seconds a dark mist stretched across my eyes and before I knew it I was lifeless and unconscious.
Chapter 2- Coma?

My eyes were shut tight, I didn’t want to open them I wanted to plant myself in my small fragile world forever more but as I heard beeps ringing at the side of the bed, I was somehow in; I couldn’t help but wonder were I was. Maybe I was dead; to be honest it seemed all too late now to be worrying about if I was breathing. As I opened my eyes I felt a sensation that I had ever felt before, my rib cage seized up and I gasped for breath. I tried screaming at the top of my lungs but no one heard me. It was like I didn’t exist at all. Maybe I was in heaven but the pain seemed to be more like I was inside hell. Suddenly I could hear something the sound faded and gradually got louder
“What!...you cant pull the plug on her she’s my daughter… of course I have every right to see her were is she?.”

I already noticed who it was; it was my mum, Carry. Every step she took made the floor vibrate. I’d known her all my life and she hadn’t been the lightest of people but her hugs were warm and comforting even though I’d never had the decency to admit that she flattened me under her weight. She stepped towards my bed and beckoned in my ear and said
“Honey, its mum okay? Everything’s fine you just slipped keep with me okay don’t give up, your be back home soon.”
I nodded I didn’t feel like everything was fine. I did want to give up. For a matter of fact, the pain was over powering and death at this very moment would have been a relief. But my mum thought otherwise. It was like I was imprisoned inside this small room, compacted until I vanished into thin air. My vision was blurred I could see three rather bizarre men staring at me.

I closed my eyes and opened them again but they were still there staring at me and muttering under there breath. They all wore large white coats that blinded me, it seemed strange because it had all seemed to dark and to sinister but now I couldn’t seem to get away from their dazzling white armour. I moved my wrist admiring that I hadn’t broken anything a load scream came towards my ears; it hurt like a teacher scraping there fingernails against a chalkboard. Then soon I realised It was the nurses.
“She’s awake! Jane! JANE get over here! Call the doctor’s call the pain team! She’s awake.. I can’t congratulate you enough. Miss Ridgewood. Your daughter is out of her coma!”
“COMA!” I screamed at the top of my voice.
“Lottie!” my mum screamed back at me.
I didn’t know if she was yelling at me or she was happy to see me awake, either way tears spilled down my face. Carry went to hug me, I grunted and turned away from her.









Chapter Three –Somnio

I Shut my eyes and tried to fall asleep, but the nurses and doctors kept me awake by glancing at me every five minutes, like I was a miracle, a gift from god, but all I wanted to say was it was only me, nothing special, just a disaster on legs. The days passed slowly. As I got my strength back I eventually started walking again. By a month I was back to normal cupped up inside my House which I’d barely set foot inside.

This time of my life I didn’t want to even get up from my bed. I felt like sinking deeper and deeper inside my duvet until I disappeared altogether. Another thing that was getting deeper and deeper was my depression ever since that fatal night I couldn’t get the picture out of my mind. Every time I shut my eyes I’d see my murders dark eyes staring back at me. Above all of that, I had school tomorrow I didn’t want to even think about it anymore I curled up inside a ball and fell into a deep sleep.


It was silent so silent that could hear every breath I took. I edged towards a near lamppost and leant against its cold icy surface. It was like I was shovelling the air down my throat and yet I couldn’t breathe. Everything became darker even the bright light that came from the lamppost faded. Suddenly there was nothing but emptiness I shrieked and yelled and pleaded for someone to find me. But there was no one I was all alone and it felt like I would be trapped forever. Then at that very moment a beam of light centred the black hole I’d been captured in and there appeared an ancient piano. I walked towards. I felt its wooden sides fingering every golden swirl. I’d never seen anything like it in my entire life. The markings made my head spin it seemed all to complex. As I perched on the stool my vision started blurring, soon after I found myself awake. It was all too bewildering. I sobbed and buried my head underneath my pillow.

Chapter Four- A failed Attempt

My alarm clock buzzed violently, I didn’t really sleep that much my eyes felt drowsy and my pillow was wet I stared at myself in the mirror tracing my fingers across my pale skin and running my hands through my dark hair. I looked dead, deceased, decayed I was only fourteen my god’s sake! I wasn’t meant to look this dreary. I peered down at my wrists, they were skin tight; my ivory skin made my veins seem darker. Then that was all I could think about my deep blood pumping around my body moving in all directions sloshing against my arms, legs, head everything that made me human... But then what if I wasn’t human? What if I’d never existed at all or was I just a ghost?

I snapped out of it. All my thoughts made my head hurt; actually I was loosing my head. Edging away from the mirror I got dressed. My school uniform was bottle green; the colour gave my skin goose bumps. I tried to ignore my clothes and focused on my hair. Maybe I should stand out? Would the kids at my new school think I’d be cool if I spiked it up? Or would I look like a freak? I sighed and straighten my dark layers. I caught my reflection in the mirror behind me. I flinched, staring at myself what was I? And why did my own reflection scare me? All these questions were moving around my head and stirring into a giant mixture of chaos.

I couldn’t control myself I peered at the sharpener on my desk; the blade was sharp and pointed it was tempting me. Screaming at me to use it on myself. I took it in my damp hand and threw it against the floor. I blinked vigorously what the hell is wrong with me! Picking up the sharpener again it made a graceful exit out my window. But from down below me I heard someone, he said
“What the!!”
I looked out my window I saw a boy patting his head discontentedly. I felt like laughing but I didn’t really want to I just shouted a lifeless
“Sorry”
“You know next time you decide to neglect your stationary would you please not lob it at me” He replied
I laughed under my breathe and shut the window.

I whisked through my bedroom taking my new school bag from under my bed. Inside it I packed a few items then fled downstairs.
I edged down my stairs, walked through the kitchen then made an outlet through my front door. The wind outside made my eyes water. Icy droplets fell from the sky and melted on my chalky white skin. I didn’t even know what time it was but I saw other people trudging down the paths leading to the school gates the same as I was; so I guessed I was on time.

Eventually I was at the gates, I stood still for a second putting my ipod in my pocket and placing the earphones in my ears for a second, loud music blared with an chorus of screams; it soothed my tension and I stepped forwards and flicked it off.

Five boys stood at the gates they all turned around staring at me. I froze, rock solid. I couldn’t stare at them back I just continued walking into the gates looking down. Then I clashed into something it was hard and brittle I looked up and saw a face.
“Sorry” I squeaked at him
I didn’t even know if he could hear me. My voice was so muted. I found myself shaking nervously the five boys stepped towards me.
“Oi” one of them shouted at me.
“Look- I-I-“ I replied nervously
“You what” Said another impatiently
I tried running away but before I could a freckled face boy held me by my arms and shook me frantically.
“Now look, no freaks aloud” He said at me
I looked at him in confusion. He stared back at me his lips pressed tightly as if he was going to explode.

“Just let me through” I said urgently
His russet eyes glared at me, uneasily I paced backwards. People were crowding round; it was like being in a wall of death. I pushed through the crowds of people and ran down the nearest path my feet could be placed upon. I kept running the trees passed by me. I made a turn towards to forest and trudged in the deep earth. I stood still for a second, breathing in the thick air.

Chapter five - New Acquaintances

There was a sound coming from a distance it startled me at first then I realised it was a whimper. I walked to the sound, as I did, it got louder and louder. In the distance I saw someone he was sitting on a low branch of a tree. I looked at him his eyes were watering and his cheeks were red but the rest of him was pale.

He looked up at me then buried his head in his hands.
“Erm are you okay?” I questioned, even though obviously he wasn’t
He didn’t reply he just sat there quivering
He lifted his head, I looked into his perfect blue eyes.
“Oh” he said
I smiled faintly, I’d never had the nerve to talk to anyone properly, let alone ask them if they were okay, He smiled back at me and flicked his black hair away from his eyes.
“So what brings you here” He murmured
“Huh” was all I managed to say
“Bunking?” He asked in his lifeless voice
“Sort of” I replied
“You should go back” He said at me sternly
“ Well why aren’t you at school” I snapped back at him
He shrugged his shoulders and smirked
“It’s good to get some time of” he said teasingly
I nodded; he wiped his wet eyes and smiled at me again. It made me melt inside; I’d never seen a smile so beautiful and pure. He patted a space on the branch he was sitting on.
“Want to sit down?”
“Okay”
I sat down next to him; he wiped his eyes again and blinked vigorously.
“So what was that about”
He looked at me for a moment then opened his mouth then shut it again
“Look I’ve got to go” I said
“Oh”
“But why were you.”
He stopped me there.
“ I wasn’t” he replied lifelessly
“Whatever you say” I murmured
A tear trickled down his face, he was mumbling to himself. It made me feel at unease. What was I doing sitting with a complete stranger in the first place? I felt his hand lightly brush against mine quickly; I don’t think it meant anything. I just sat there staring in front of me.
“Look I really have to”
I paused
I looked at his wrists red with anguish, red liquid trickled down his arms. I could feel my heart beat thumping through my ears what sort of people would do this to themselves?

Chapter Six- Lost
I tried to fix my eyes on something else; I don’t think he’d notice what I saw. In a rush I tried standing up but the world surrounded around me moved faster than I could manage. I was just stuck, frozen not able to move in any way shape or form. After a few seconds hesitation I stood up again and looked at him.
“I’m sorry I’d better get back” I said
He didn’t answer me, he didn’t say anything. Not a single word could come out of his mouth, just awkward silence that filled the air. The air was cold I could feel my hands numbing they were scarlet against my pale skin. I could see my reflection in the stream running across the ground, I was whiter than before; it was like I could have been mistaken for a corpse.
I didn’t bother saying goodbye I just walked away, my footsteps pressed evenly against the ground as I paced every step, each one was like a challenge. I was so clumsy that walking without falling flat on my face, was actually a triumph.

I continued walking out the woods it took me a great amount of time to even find an exit but as soon as I did, I began to feel comforted by seeing my house, not far from, at least I had some idea of were I was. I carried on walking, even though I wasn’t sure were I could go. School had already started and Carry was out work. I’d never felt so trapped in my entire life. In the distance I could vaguely see the school tiny bottle green blobs walked around in the playgrounds in little bundles. I took a step forwards edging closer and closer up the long narrow path, I tried thinking of excuses why I would be so late. I got chased by a pack of wolves? Slept in to late? Had to climb Mount Everest before I got here? To be perfectly honest I’d never been good for telling lies of any way shape or form I’d stutter uncontrollably, I wasn’t a entirely convincing person As I kept walking closer and closer to the school gates I could hear my heartbeat getting louder and louder. Thump thump thump was all I could hear it got louder and louder, thump thump thump it went again I could feel my heart rattling under my school shirt. I collapsed against the gates clinging onto each wire I got myself together and pressed my hands against it and pushed it forwards. I was lost as hell I didn’t have a clue were I could go. Anxiously I peered at the signs one said reception I walked towards it clearing my throat as I did so. Stepping inside I tripped against the steps stumbling across the room I found myself stuck in the middle I looked at the lady at the desk blankly, I walked up to it and said
“Oh hello I’m a little lost I’m err new do you know were my classes are”
The ancient lady stared at me for a few seconds then replied
“What’s your name dear?”
“Lottie Ridgewood”
Pointing at a timetable slopped over her desk she said
“Maths, MR2 it’s in the block across from here
So I fled to my lesson I went to knock on the door then a man stared at me and said
“who might you be”
“Lottie Ridgewood” I replied
“LATE!” he screamed in my ear
“huh”
“late, late, late!”
“Oh”
Get out!”
So I stayed there swaying my arms with nothing better to do, he stormed out, then eventually he let me in after many treacherous minutes of lecturing I sat down at a desk, got out my pencil case and focused on the board. Soon after the bell rung and I left the classroom just as lifeless as I was before.
I could see people gawping at me a group of girls stood at their lockers pointing at me and sniggering, I kept walking ignoring their presence but deep down inside somewhere inside me it was eating me alive. I’d pretty much had enough of school I had about an hour left so I passed by the school gates and headed towards a bridge
Chapter five- Wind swept
The wind gently blew against my face, fresh water flowed evenly below me I could taste the fresh air on my lips. My hair soared in all directions it felt good , it felt different like nothing I’d ever felt before my fingertips felt piping hot the sort of hot itching feeling you get when you really cold. I didn’t care, everything felt so great it seemed perfect until a weird figure immerged from the fog it came closer and closer I stood there frozen speechless; I felt like screaming but I’d chocked on my own words. The fog eased up and I slumped back into my relaxed position it was only some guy walking past his boots made a clip- clop-clip-clop noise as he sped across the bridge coated in a thick layer of ice. I started to walk my way back home as I got to the door
I heard a voice
“Hello” it said to me
“huh”
I turned round to see the boys face he smiled , I smiled back, opened the door
“Come in” I murmured
“Thanks”
Awkwardly I walked over to the stereo flicked it on, the music soothed our silence
“so what’s your name again”
“Gee”
I look at him a bit puzzled
“Its short for Gerard” he pointed out
“oh”
I slumped on the sofa, he sat beside me
“And your name is?”
“Lottie” I replied
“That’s pretty” he mumbled
I grabbed the remote and turned it up
“You like nirvana?” he asked, stunned
“Yeah, there great” I said lifelessly
He mumbled the lyrics, I started as well, he smiled warmly at me, I felt a bit stupid for letting someone I barely knew in my house he seemed half decent though.
I fidgeted in the seat I could feel that my leg was shaking. It was obvious he was all cool and calm, unlike me fidgeting nervously. It was just me and him alone that word stretched across my mind; we were alone and anything could of happened.
For all I knew he could be a serial killer plotting my slow and painful death piece by piece, that would probably be rare for like a fourteen year old kid well I didn’t actually no his age..
“How old are you” I said
“fifteen, you?”
“Fourteen”
“ My birthday was like a few days ago”
“Oh so you’re in year nine?”
“Yup”
“cool”
This mindless chatter was doing my head in. I stood up and went to the kitchen I rummaged through the cupboards and got out some ingredients
“You better get home” I called to him
“uh okay”
“My mum will be back soon”
“err bye then”
“Bye”
The door slammed shut, I could hear myself sighing in relief, I was no good with guests at all. I fiddled with ingredients in the kitchen, the spoons, the forks, the obviously fake plastic bits of fruit lying in a bowl. I made myself a sandwich, jam with a healthy lump of butter, yum yum; I’d gobble it down piece by piece, the jam thickly slithering down my throat. I went upstairs into my cupboard room, did some homework and before I knew it I’d fell asleep.

The sky outside was orange; clouds spread across the sky like cotton candy, massive pieces moved slowly against the bittersweet sky. I went downstairs Cathy was asleep ,her legs were sprawled across the sofa, a bottle of wine stood on the wooden floorboards. The TV flickered in the background ,
Lottie has once again found her mother drunk , what a piss head
I turned sharply around staring at the TV
“What” I mouthed
The TV turned to static
Lottie
I pressed my face against the TV
Face it
“Face what”
You’re a mess look at you
I growled and punched the TV
“SHUT UP” I screamed

A black screen flashed, it had turned itself off, I sat down staring at Cathy. I took a swig out of the bottle, shuddering at its bitter taste. I couldn’t bear to admit that my own mum was an alcoholic, I couldn’t bare that sometime some when she’d need help. I could feel a tear going down my cheek I tried to stop, but once I’d started I couldn’t. I collapsed against the floor hiding my face with my hands; I’d kept it in so long it was bound to come out sometime. I stroked my fingers against Cathy’s arm and slung a blanket over her. I sighed and went back upstairs. Ever since my dad had left she’d lost it, after years of waiting for his arrival she’d driven herself crazy. I’d got to grips with reality he wasn’t coming back and that was that. I looked through my CD’S, Metallica, slipknot, my chemical romance, iron maiden, I had tons of CD’s but I was never in the mood for any of them. I looked at my guitar leant against the wall I twanged the strings gently I could hear Cathy downstairs mumbling and fidgeting in her sleep so I put it back down. I sat in my room, trapped, silent and most of all hurt by seeing Cathy like she is its not right for her to be like that, what if I get like that when I’m older, what if I’m like her, a mess and barely a mother at all, I don’t want to have to be babysitting her forever I have a life to. I don’t want to waste it I want to live every moment, breathe every breathe of air, I need my life, I want it, I feel it in my shaky bones , I feel it in my heart. I’m properly talking poetic rubbish, but I don’t care anymore it’s who I am.
Yeah and what you are…is a mess.
I turned my head looking for someone to be there but there was no one.
Want to play hide and seek?
I could feel my hands getting sweaty
I muttered “no” to myself.
Common, please.
The sound made me stand on ends. I walked away from the sound I pushed at the front door and walked into the distance, my school clothes were still on I could hear my shoes tapping against the pavement. I just kept walking I didn’t know where I was going or why as the streets passed through the corner of my eyes. I could feel myself getting numb, the sort of numb were you just felt like there was a just a black empty whirlwind inside you whirling destroying anything valuable in its path. I sat down on a bench I could feel my tears trickling down my cheek I looked up and saw a dark shadowy figure I could tell who it was, it was Gerard.
“Hello” He said to me
I sniffed and ignored him
“Lottie?”
“Just go away”
“Oh what’s wrong Hun?”
“Nothing is wrong but nothing is right either”
“Am I right?”
“ No” I growled
“Oh I guess I should go”
“ No wait” I tugged on his arm , he looked surprised
“ What is it”
I sighed “ You’re the only thing I know is real”
He peers at me, “How do you know for sure”
I take a deep breathe “ I just do”
He holds my hand gently in his and kisses my cheek, I looked at him shocked.
Soon after he walked away in the distance .I fell back into my feel-sorry-for-myself mood again and sat back on the bench alone and frightened
“This is my bench” I mumbled, trying to amuse myself
I clapped my hands and twiddled my thumbs, eventually I stood up pacing back and fourth across the stone flooring.
“This is my bench” I said again and let out a little giggle
I ended up walking back home I never realised how much time I had spent out, I walked through the door and I saw Cathy making breakfast
“Bacon sarny sound good?” She says to me
“You know I’m a vegetarian”
She blushes “Sorry love, just toast then?”
I stomped up to my bedroom and mutter to her” Just wine then?”
I see her smiley expression drop; I continue walking up the stairs.
I scramble onto my bed and got out my notebook I drew two pairs of eyes, then a nose, then a mouth with a cheerful smile. I grinned at my tiny creation its like its grinning back at me to. I hear Cathy walking up the stairs I snap my note book shut and bunged it back under my bed. She opens the door and said “Look, if you saw me.”
I held my hand up to stop her there “Just get out”
She then gingerly walked away from me and shuts the door with a loud bang.
I sit there blankly then soon get up to clean my teeth after I’ve done that I fix my hair again in my mirror and collapse on my bed.
“What a day well... and night” I say
For a matter of fact I hadn’t had much sleep, I rested my head on my pillow and closed my eyes and drifted off
Chapter six- External darkness
Did you know that darkness makes us tired? It sends of signals to the brain telling us to sleep, all I feel is external darkness that must explain why I feel so tired, so very very tired.

I woke up with my throat aching like hell’s fire, my eyes haven’t woken up properly and I can feel cramps down my sides nothing could possibly be any worse could it?
I spent another whole day at school it was the same lonely me sitting on my larry on a table at lunch , it was like I didn’t exist ; I was a nothing, a nobody, just a thing that didn’t mean anything. I’d thought I would have made friends by now but nobody seemed to take any interests in me, well everyone except Gerard. I went to sit down at my normal place only to see him sitting there already. I darted around the corridor looking for a space soon after I nervously sat down beside him.
“Have a good morning” he says to me
“Hm” I reply as I plunge a spoonful of carrots into my mouth
“ Bimbos” he murmurs under his breathe as a gang of snobby looking girls storm past us
I giggle then soon stop as one of them sharply turn round to stare me. I stare at them back; my eyes glare at them straight in the face. They turn back round looking a little disgusted. I swivell round to look at Gerard but he’d vanished ; I was stuck on my own again I sighed and stared at my tray.

When I got home I colasped on my bed with a sigh of reilf, school was finally over freedom at last! As soom as I thought I a freed from another embarsing day I could hear a knock at the dooor, it was Gerard. I could see pieces of his dark hair pocking out the reflection on my front door window. He waited there, I ran upstairs to redo my hair then fled to the front door out of breathe.
“ Hello” I said as I leant against the door frame panting slightly
“ Been for a run” he says
“Sort of”
“can I come in”
“sure” I say as I walk into the front room
“Before you ask I’m not stalking you” he adds
“ Really now?”
“mhm”
“ Well how can you explain how you keep finding my house”
“ Ermm” hesays baffled
“ Well?” I say as I tap my foot impationtly
“ I saw you walking home”
“ Really now” I say again
He smirks
“ If I was you I’d trust me or it won’t end up pretty” He says pushes me against the wall
“ Wait” I say trembling
“What” he replies
“ Are you threatning me”
He then lets go of me and walks away.

I went back up to my bedroom and layed down on the carpet; I felt sick I didn’t know what hapopend but whatever did happen it wasn’t good. He threatened me, how dare he!. I swung my arm angrily and wacked it against the book shelf, books came tubling down ontop of me I screamed and ran to the bathroom window, I leant out of it, should I jump? I felt adrenilin running round in my body. One side of me said yes and another said no. I knew I was overeacting but it was like he was all I had and now I was nothing to him. I swung my body out and landed against the pavement I could feel my head crash against it a black fog imerged infront of my eyes silence at last I thought to myself.

Slipping away


I can hear screaming, I open my eyes and look around; where the hell was I?
I look up and I see a doctor staring at me
“ Hello Lottie” he holds out his hand to shake mine
I groan and keep my hand still
I got out of the hospital bed and steped towards the door
Two nurses held me one, one side and another on the other side of me.
“No!” I screamed at them
They ignored my desperate please and sat me back down
“Now you stay put” One of them says as her ginger hair bounces as she talks
I get up again and walk out the door limping.
The male nurse runs after me and carries my back in; I read the sine it says ‘Psychiatric unit’, I flinch at the name.