I never saw it coming. I never thought you´d leave me in the cold month of January, only to find myself back in your grip under the dark November sky. Everything seemed fine, despite the tears that filled your beautiful brown eyes. I wish I would´ve invited you inside, asked twice, and held you tight as you cried.

    The night was slow when you got home, you needed peace from something that´s been eating you away for awhile. You took the time to open every letter I´ve writtten to you, tear stains bounced off the thin lined paper. The most painful truth is you never said goodbye, you never let me in, never asked for help. When I got a phone call as the sun barely rose, my life froze. The smell of your cologne now smells of dead yellow roses, my shaking hands are now numb, I no longer hear the sympony in my ears, and I no longer taste the sweetness of your love. I was quick to run over after getting the news that you now hung beside the bed we use to plan our future in, skin tinted blue. I didn´t want to accept the fact that I was losing you.

   I ran from the beach to the mountains like a coward, not being able to accept that this was our goodbye. You were supposed to see me in white, now all I see are pretty white lines. To hide all the pain you´ve caused deep inside. I didn´t know how to cope with the pain as my tears fell like rain. You gave me  your heart. I never knew you could be selfish and so careless with mine.

      You were the one who taught me how to live, laugh, and forgive. You were the angel on my shoulder to fight the demons in my head. You were the life of the party. Your innocence was such a beautiful thing to see. You always taught me to love is to be loved, so how could you say those three words and leave me with so little.

       I replay the memories we spent together every night, every day. I can´t sleep due to the truama and dark days. I don´t know if the clouds will ever go away even on the sunniest of days. When you left me I never looked into the mirror the same. I could no longer find a single thing I admired. I became a dose a day, needing a sniff, a light, or a rush so I could forget who I was. You f***ed me, F***ed us. I was only sweet and sixteen yet lost a year of my youth, a year without you.

     I miss the old me, as much as I miss you. I miss never having to risk sobriety as a way to escape my pain. I live every day knowing I´ll never see your face. Your skin was my favorite color, your voice was my favorite song, I could play it on repeat all day long. Your boring brown eyes held so much love, your soft skin melted in my gentle touch. I will spend the rest of my life knowing I can´t take your name as my own, that I couldn´t save you from what ever had you in a hold. I´ll spend every day knowing that I didn´t know I was losing you.