The First Last I Love You 

“Welcome to New York. It's been waitin' for you. Welcome to New York, welcome to New York” I softly sung along with Taylor Swift.

It was a crisp and cool morning in Central Park and the day couldn’t have gotten any better. I was well rested compared to the previous nights, which consisted of restlessness and constant stress. New York’s Fashion Week is the craziest time of the year for me. As someone who is studying under Blair Bliss, things can get pretty stressful. Making sure people are on schedule, models flying in and makeup artists working around me, I thought it was well deserved for me to go for a run. Hopefully I can clear my head and focus on the upcoming schedule. With my head in the clouds and listening to some music, I completely bash into another person. 

“Oh my gosh, I am so sorry!” I exclaim to the woman that is currently laying on the ground in front of me. “I should’ve been paying attention!” 

“It’s okay, I wasn’t paying much attention either.” she chuckles. I helped her up to her feet, and noticed objects strewn across the ground. I went to pick up her wallet when I noticed a small polaroid next to it, inside the frame is a little girl. Picking up the image, I realize the little girls is me. Immediately I freak out in my head, ‘why does this stranger have a photo of me?’ ‘where on earth did they get this?’, it was impossible, I grew up in foster care. No permanent home, no permanent family; I was left at the hospital. Obviously stranded by someone who didn’t want me, but after years of finally accepting the fact that I am going to be alone, this random woman bumps into me with a photo of me from when I was younger? That doesn’t add up.

I knew in that moment I just had to give back her wallet and run as fast as I could. 

“Sorry, here you dropped this.” I mumbled out as I shoved it into her hands and continued with my run. 

It was odd but I had to try and forget about it. Maybe that wasn’t actually me, it could have been any kid really.  

I returned back to my work, after changing and replaying that whole scenario in my head I get back to work. But out of the corner of my eye, I could have sworn I spotted the exact same woman I bumped into. I walked over to where I thought I saw her and can’t find her anywhere. 

“Weird” I muttered to myself. Must’ve been a trick of my mind. Oh well, I thought, can’t do much about it now. I had to focus on getting everything prepared for next week. The outfits had to be hung and pressed, the models had to check into their hotels and try on the clothes. As I buried myself in flurries of clothes and fabric and calls, I see the same woman in the corner of the room. I was beginning to think I was going insane. How could I see someone that was definitely not here? She can’t be a ghost because ghosts don’t exist, she was also very much alive when I bumped into her… maybe I am going crazy from all this work.

After an insane long day I just wanted to go to Lucky’s, my favourite doughnut shop in the world. They have these bacon apple fritters that I absolutely adore and it really is the best comfort food out there. Sitting in my usual booth I was enjoying my doughnut until I was interrupted by someone rather familiar.

“Casey? Is that really you?” the woman questioned me.

“I’m sorry… but do I know you?”

“Oh honey, I am your mother. I’m so sorry I had to leave you. But look at you, you’ve grown up to be this beautiful young lady. You are so much taller than I expected and your eyes - how is it possible they are even brighter than when you were born? Oh please… give me a hug.”

I jump back keeping her at a good distance.

“Casey?” she looked at me confused.

“Look lady, I’ve had to grow up without a family or anyone close to me at all. So you learn to just look out for yourself,” I quickly snap. 

“And I truly am sorry for that, I just wasn’t prepared and I knew someone could give you a better home.”

“Well congratulations, I had neither and I sure don’t need you in my life now. What do you want - money? Because I sure don’t have any, not any that you can have that is.”

“Casey please… that’s not why I found you. I just wanted to meet you for the first time, even if this would be the only time...” the woman trailed off anxiously.

My heart was racing and my head felt like it was going to explode. What did she mean? How am I sure she is my mother? Why does she give me the feeling of safety and security?

All the questions raced in my head but the only thing I could manage to choke out through tears was,  “Why?” 

She let out a sigh and pulled me into her arms. That one swift movement took all my worries away and I knew in that moment this really was my mother. 

Tears began to flow down my cheeks, with no way of stopping them, I let them go. I looked like an absolute mess but in that moment I didn’t have a care in the world. I just wanted to be in my mom’s arms for as long as I possibly could. Making up for lost time.

Sadly that doesn’t last long, as she began to pull away, she begins to cough up blood. Her whole body rattled and in that moment I noticed how weak and skinny she really was. She suddenly looked tired and worn, as if she’s been working her entire life to the bone. 

“Mom, are you okay?” I begin to worry.

“Casey… I'm sick. I have been in and out of hospitals trying to get help but nothing is working. The doctors say I don't have much time left and I knew I had to find you before it was too late. I’m sorry about everything I made you go through, I truly am. But I hope you could forgive me enough to spend this day with me.”

I looked out the window, noticing how dark it was already getting. People bustling by, trying to get home to their families or friends, I always wished I had someone to come home too. I wish I had a reason to be excited to come back home from work.

I look back at my mom, look into her eyes, filled with regret, fatigue, and love. I think about all the times I wish I had my mother with me, “Yes, I forgive you.” I hear myself say.

“I really missed you too” I say to her with a slight laugh, although my eyes are filled with tears. 

“I missed you too sweetie, and I want you to know that I love you with all my heart. I always have. No matter where I was, I always thought about you and how you were in a better and safer place.” she said to me, with a huge grin lighting up her face. I saw how beautiful my mom’s spirit was. Her smile radiated kindness and love, making it infectious.

“I always thought about you too mom. I always wished you were there with me through my childhood and teen years, but I truly am thankful to be seeing you now. ``I love you.”

Later on in the evening we head to my apartment. As we begin to settle in she begins to cough up even more blood, she bends over and dry heaves. I ran to call an ambulance, praying that they would get here soon. In 10 minutes they are at my door rushing in, and everything feels as if it were in slow motion. They begin to take my mother away in a stretcher and I follow after them. They take her to the emergency room and that’s where they stop me. So I go to sit in the waiting room, ignoring calls from work and texting my boss telling him I won't be coming in later. After a few hours, a doctor comes out and calls my mom’s name, I stand up saying I am her daughter. 

“I’m sorry but it appears that you’re mother has stage 4 breast cancer and it has spread to her lungs. There isn’t anything we can do more about it. I will give you two some time alone.” and with that she leads me to my mom’s room and opens the door. I thanked the doctor and turn around. There my mom lays on the hospital bed, looking frail as ever, but somehow still holding a smile. As tears began to fill my eyes again I managed to stutter out, “they said you have stage 4 cancer and it spread to your lungs… why didn’t you tell me?” 

“I didn’t want to worry you about something that was out of our control, there is nothing you could do to help.” 

I held her in my arms, I couldn’t say more, because if I did I would have burst into tears. “Momma, I love you with all my heart. Please don’t leave me.” 

“I don’t want too baby, but it’s my time to go. I love you with all my heart.”

With her dying breath she whispers, “Happy Birthday, my love.”

I look at the clock and read 1:07am, the exact time I was born, it was my 25th birthday. With tears streamed down my face as I held her in my arms. She was limp with the cold creeping onto her, confused I didn’t know what to do. I was just in pure shock and simply felt numb. Feeling complete for the first time in my life, it was ripped out from my arms.