Alexithymia | Teen Ink

Alexithymia

November 22, 2020
By Anonymous

The taxi stopped in front of the house. The cousins ran over, opened the door and embraced the girl who had not yet stepped on the stoned road. Hannah pushed them away gently, grabbed her valise and her books. Teenager’s arms were linked, leaving the adults behind. Hannah went upstairs, quickly arranged her items. She looked around the room. Nothing had changed. Everything sat in the exact same place. Next to the mirror, a photo of her and her brother stood besides each other, smiling at the camera. Behind them, had grown the black cherry tree which was dead now. As Isle, her young daughter of her aunt knocked on the door and urged her to come to the courtyard, Hannah turned from gazing at the photo, put on her black cape coat and closed the room door.

The winter in Florida is much warmer than New York’s. The three sat on the chair, having strawberry ice cream from 711.

“Want one?” asked Isle. Hannah shook her head. She doesn't like sweet foods. Conversely, she loves the sour ones. Isle stared at the gray sky, her blue eyes glimmering, “When will George arrive? He said he would come with you.”

“He didn’t say this,” said Hannah. Isle seemed disappointed. Then she began to talk about her school life, about a boy whom she met and whom she had a crush on. Deryn and Wilkins, the 16-year-old and the 15-year-old from her uncle’s family laughed at the young girl’s imagination. When the conversation moved on, the adolescents heard parents’ surprise shouting.

Isle jumped up: “He’s here!” Then she ran into the house.

“The biggest fan of George,” said Wilkins. But the impatience on his face revealed everything. Hannah stood up, pushed in her chair. She stood there for almost a minute as Wilkins and Deryn already entered the house. She then followed their steps and closed the door.

There, she saw her big brother George. Probably due to a year studying in the military, he became admittedly more charming than he had been in the past few years. His bag was placed beside his boots. The leather jacket looked great on him. Isle hugged him hard and kissed him in the face. George hugged her back, hands on her buttocks, and talked with the excited crowd. He looked further, seeing Hannah standing aside, throwing a playful gaze at him.

He put Isle down, walked toward Hannah: “Sis, long time no see.”

Hannah raised her eyebrow: “Welcome back.”

George stood there for a while. The words were blocked in his throat. He looked at her face, then nodded, then he turned his back to her and jumped back into the crowd.

The night was busy. Men stood in the garden, curious about George’s military life. Women sat on the chair, enjoying the fresh chilly breeze. Children running around, cautiously observed the adult’s faces and eavesdropped on their conversation.

“Where is Hannah?” asked George.

Father shrugged: “she’s probably reading her books now.”

“She’s being so nerdy, and it’s not a good thing,” sighed the mother. “You have to talk to her. At least teach her something you learnt in the military.”

George discreetly looked at Hannah’s room, where a little light passed through the medieval-style window.

It was all his problem. On Hannah’s 15th birthday, after his sister returned from a MUN tournament, at midnight, he broke into Hannah’s bedroom and had a forceful sexual relation with her. He was too drunk at that moment, because his girlfriend had cheated on him while he spent his days in the military. If he had not met Olivia in the shopping mall, he might never realise it. The next morning he went to see his friend and stayed at his house for a week. Hannah never exposed this event to their parents, but the girl became more aloof to her surroundings than she had been.

George couldn’t face her, so he spent another two years in the military before he could calm himself and accept the mistakes he had made.

In the middle of the night, Hannah woke up and went downstairs. She has the habit of finding something to eat at night. It was 3 a.m., the house was sleeping, but the kitchen’s light was on. Hannah rubbed her eyes. As she saw the person sitting in the dining room, she frowned.

“Sis.” George finished the liquid in his goblet. “I want to have a talk with you.”

“Sure,” nodded Hannah. She grabbed a bag of chips she opened hours ago and sat down face-to face.

The silence abruptly arrived and continued for a whole minute. The siblings stared at each other, George finally spoke: “It was not intentional.” He observed Hannah, hoping to discover something from her. The girl binked. Seeing her reaction, George sighed with realization.

George looked up, Hannah kept eating her chips, and didn't seem to take this issue seriously. The girl watered her throat with a glass of orange juice, and cleaned it.

“It is your problem,” she said with determination. “Abusing your biological sister due to the loss of your girlfriend.”

“It was not intentional!” George said with controlled anger. After realizing that the volume might wake up the sleeping house, he then lowered his voice.

Hannah shrugged: “Sure, I understood that you were just unconscious. I understood.”

George frowned. He took a deep breath: “Hannah, I know I have done something wrong and I know that I don’t deserve to be a brother. But biologically I still am. So if you have any problem...please tell me. Anything. If you need me in any way, I am willing to help.”

Hannah seemed confused. She massaged her nose: “George, are you alright? You don’t seem right.”

George shook his head: “I don’t mean to offend you, but Hannah, you don’t seem right. Are you...are you not feeling anything wrong?”

“I don’t understand what you are talking about,” said Hannah.

“You are being too cool,” he said. “I am worried about you. That…that should not be…”

Hannah cut him off in the middle of the sentence: “You don’t have to worry about me. You were avoiding responsibility when you decided to return to the military. I could handle this for two years without you-I can handle this for all time.”

George looked at her. His impulse urged him to explain and to express himself, but he couldn’t say a word.

“Look, I’m tired now. I can’t stay up as you do.” Hannah yawned. “Goodnight.”

George looked at her back, having no idea what to say. His sister was too reserved, and this reservation scared him.

When Hannah closed her bedroom door, she laid on her bed, the lamp shone dimly. She took the book and started to read it.

“Alexithymia. Funny.”



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