I sobbed uncontrollably, gasping for air. His hands, strong and warm, wound their way up and around my back, resting finally on my neck, pulling me close to him. So aware of his body pressed tight to mine, I tried to stop the tears, feeling like a little child. I held myself together, until the heaving gradually subsided to quiet sobbing. He rubbed my back gently, kissing the side of my head.

“I’m. so sorry.” I said between the sobs.

“Shh. It’s okay. I’m here. I’ll always be here.” he said, whispering the words in my ear like a mantra. Always here. Always here.

Slowly, the sobs stopped, followed by the tears. I finally pulled away, dizzy from all of the crying. I looked up at him, the beautiful blue eyes I was so familiar with looking at me.

“It’s not fair.” he said, his arms still holding me tight.

“What’s not?” I whispered.

“That even in such pain, you can still be so beautiful. That something so beautiful should have to find out.” he said, tracing my jaw with his finger.

“I…but…no.” I said, unable to form a coherent sentence. He was so wrong, I thought.

“Yes, baby. Yes.” he said.

His face neared mine, but I turned to the side, unable to look at him, never mind kiss him. I’d promised myself never to let him see me this way.

“Don’t you..” he began, and I knew what he was going to say. Don’t you love me anymore? It was the way we used to flirt, like some kind of twisted game. To see what kind of crazy things we could get the other to do. It seemed so lighthearted and airy then, but now, in the aftermath of such tears, it seemed to carry a weight.

“Yes, yes of course I do. More than anything. Anyone. I didn’t want you to see me like this. How could you even want to be around me? Kiss me?” I asked, looking down.

“I can’t stay away. I can’t resist you. You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. You understand me. Even the messed up parts I never wanted anyone to know about. You love me. The good and the bad. I always want to be here with you. For you. Please never go. Never say you don’t want me to know something about you. I want to know everything there is to know. I can’t stand seeing you in so much pain, I just want to make it go away. I want to hold you when you cry, and keep you warm when you’re cold. I love you. So much.” he said, and at hearing this, the tears began again, falling slowly down my face and onto his shirt.

He pulled me ever closer, and I put my head against his strong chest, listening to the heartbeat that meant so much. I lost myself in how perfectly our bodies fit together, like a puzzle, so perfect and clear, once put together. After a moment, I pulled back enough to look up at him.

“What--what if you change your mind?” I asked.

“How could you say something like that? You’re all I’ve ever wanted. Will want. Want so badly. All the time.” he said, stroking my hair.

“But…what if you did?” I asked, persistent.

“What could possibly happen to change that?” he asked, leaning down.

I gave in, placing my cool fingers on his face, pressing my body into his, and tilting my face up, kissing him deeply. Even after all this time, being with him, kissing him, still made my heart race uncontrollably in my chest. His smell, the feel of his strong arms around me, knowing that I was completely in his control, was such an amazing experience. I was dizzy and completely grounded at the same time. So happy and yet so unbearably sad, knowing that we’d have to break this kiss at some point. Feeling so lucky to be with him, and yet so undeserving at the same time. An ocean of opposite emotions, drowning me in him. He brought that out in me.

“I’m dying.” I whispered, unable to look at his face.

I pulled out of his arms, loose now in confusion, and ran from the graveyard in which we’d stood. I listened to my ragged breathing, ripping breath from the night air, and feeling the ground smack against my shoes. I tried to put as much distance between the dark lot and myself as I could, but I knew I couldn’t run from it forever. I’d be returning soon enough.