July 12th, 2010 5:30 AM
We were best friends. He was always here. He made me forget about him; forget about what we had had; forget about the relationship I had shared with him which had lasted two and a half years. I knew I had needed to get over him, my ex-boyfriend. It was just…It was really hard, forgetting all about him.
He had been such a huge part of my entire existence for such a long time.
The inside jokes we had shared; the memories we had formed; the mutual friends we had created; everything I did; everything I thought of; everyone I saw; everyone who was part of my life still reminded me so much of him it physically hurt, and I had to take a break and back away from it all.
He made me forget about him.
I never thought this would be a dilemma. I didn’t stop to think that him; Ethan, my best friend, being completely perfect would ever be a dilemma for our relationship; I always figured I would think of him as my best friend. Forever my best friend; nothing more. I thought we would be fine; till the end of time, no matter what happened.
Because we were supposed to be fine—for always—because we had each other and that was all we would ever need to get through anything and everything together.
He was supposed to be all I ever needed.
And he was for awhile. And then he became too perfect; something I couldn’t have because he never made mistakes; something I made way too many of. I would corrupt his innocence; destroy his perfection. He didn’t need someone who would only make him a worse person; instead of an even better person than he already was, crashing into his life and destroying everything in sight. He didn’t need me in his life—so I ran away from it. I ran away from him; his perfect perfection.
He was all I ever needed; until he wasn’t anymore. He was everything to me. Until he wasn’t anymore.
I couldn’t tell him why I was so scared. I couldn’t tell him how I had never had a guy treat me this way; never loved anyone so abruptly; so recklessly, so easily this way. How in past relationships, the guy had treated me like I was a piece of meat—wasn’t worth his time; never bothered to call or text me; got mad at me when I finally brought up the courage to try to convince him to break up because he was always taking advantage of me.
Guys never treated me this way; and I always cared too much; bawling as they broke up with me; investing too much of my time in someone who, never really invested any of their time in me; never truly cared about me when, for some unbeknownst reason, I had cared so much for them.
I was scared a real relationship, instead of random hookups; or even worse, a pretend relationship that I used to believe way too much in; like the one I had shared with my ex, would end like all past failed relationships in my life—in breakups or divorce.
But I wanted that happily-ever-after. I wanted to so desperately believe that happily-ever-afters could exist and he was going to give me mine. I just needed to know that happily-ever-afters really did exist and he was it for me.
I was just scared. I was scared about what was going to happen to us. But I had to believe in him—I had to believe in us. And I was going to. This was going to work out; we were going to make it work. We were us and we definitely weren’t perfect, but we tried our hardest.
And we could do this.
We just had to believe.
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August 19th, 9:30 PM
“You have to believe in us, okay?” Ethan, my wonderful best friend asked; or more like demanded, taking my hands in his.
“Okay,” I whispered, still slightly unsure. He was moving so far away. We weren’t going to be what we once were.
“No, no that’s not going to work,” He shook his head steadfastly as he said those seven little words, still unconvinced that I was fully onboard with him.
“This kind of love; our special kind of love, it won’t work if you don’t believe, princess. You gotta completely believe in the kind of magic our love is gonna bring us, okay? Believe. Do you believe? Say you believe so the magic will fully work.”
He wiped away my tears with the pads of his fingers, before gently kissing away my few strangling tears with the gentlest of gentle kisses.
Everyone wanted a happy ending, even if they weren’t always willing to fully admit to it. But not everyone always got one.
He was going away to a completely different state; a completely different lifestyle. And right now in my life, I realized I just needed Ethan; Ethan My Best Friend. I wasn’t ready for Ethan: The Potential Boyfriend.
I needed Ethan, the guy I called at 2 in the morning because I had a nightmare and needed him to just talk to me about anything and everything; fill the terrifying, pitch-black silence until he had calmed me enough for me to fall asleep to his gentle, soothing voice.
Ethan, the guy who brought me McDonald’s Large chocolate shakes and fries whenever I craved one at work, no matter if he got yelled at for his boss for going over his lunch break, or had to make up a million Chemistry labs or an English essay from missing a college class.
Ethan, the guy who was always there for me, no matter the time, no matter the issue; even if it was some personal girl problem he, no doubt, didn’t want to hear about by the faces he made; but kept silent, always willing to listen.
Ethan, whose heart I’d never broken, and never would have broken. I needed that Ethan. Ethan My Best Friend.
Not Ethan, who had been My Potential Boyfriend for the most wonderful five weeks of my entire life.
So then I told him exactly that. And right before my very own eyes, his heart break into a million pieces I no longer had the right to put back together for him. ________________________________________
August 28th, 2010 10:30 PM
It was over. For good. Officially. He hadn’t wanted to believe me a week or so ago when I had laid it all out on the table for him; bared my soul and bravely exclaimed that I couldn’t have him be my boyfriend; that I had to admit, I was incredibly selfish and needed him more as a Best Friend than I ever would as a Boyfriend.
He hadn’t wanted to believe me. He seemingly ignored my speech; still calling and texting me, asking if I wanted to chill with him; the mall, the movies, paintballing, playing sports with our mutual friends.
I couldn’t do this any longer. I couldn’t keep his heart on this ongoing, continuous rollercoaster. I needed to let him go. I needed to honestly tell him that we couldn’t do this; I couldn’t do this.
So I told him. I told him we were over; for good, I hadn’t been kidding with my little speech. I needed to move on; he needed to move on. We weren’t going to work. We were used to seeing each other each weekend; used to spending late Friday nights, all-day Saturdays and Sundays together; used to texting each other all throughout every day and calling each other to talk till we fell asleep late each night.
We wouldn’t do well; separated; Boyfriend & Girlfriend.
We wouldn’t do well; separated; Best Friends.
I sighed as I watched his face fall from hopeful and excited to completely crestfallen and mind-blowingly heart shattered, his breaths coming in shallow and irregular as he tried to choke out words through the tears that were undoubtedly climbing up his throat.
“I’m sorry, okay? I’m so sorry. I love you. Please stay. I love you.”
He fell to his knees as he begged beneath me, seeming to have no energy left to stand, sinking to the ground; gripping me tightly around the knees. His chin pressed against my stomach, his tearful, pleading, gorgeous ocean blue eyes burning into mine.
I reached my hand down, running my fingers through his soft hair, needing to calm him; unable to see heartbreak flash devastatingly across his face without trying to lessen it; no matter if I was the one causing it.
“I know you’re sorry, baby, and I know you love me. I love you too, okay? But sometimes, sometimes a dozen sorry’s and a million, ‘I love you’s’ just aren’t enough. I’m sorry. I love you, too. It’s just not enough right now.”
“I wish it was enough. But it’s not right now. I need to get away for a couple of days; a couple of weeks. I need to figure out if it’s worth loosing you as my best friend to gain you as my boyfriend. And right now, I think everything is leaning a lot more towards My Best Friend Ethan, rather than my Potential Boyfriend, Ethan. I promise I’m not breaking up with you. I’m not breaking up with you, okay? I need time to think about all of this.”
“I need you so much more as my best friend than I think I do as a boyfriend. And I know you want me as your girlfriend more than you will ever want me as your best friend anymore. I know that that won’t work for you.”
“I need to get away; I think we both need to think things through. And with you going to NYC to finish off college and me staying here…I just…I think we need time to think—separately from each other.”
“But there’s still hope. There is still a light at the end of the tunnel. I just need a break. I’ll call you or text you or send you an e-mail or an old fashioned letter; whatever contact you’re willing to give me, when I’m safe and ready.”
“And I want you to go out and have fun. Get totally plastered. Go be an insane daredevil. Jump off a roof. Get in a car crash purposefully. Pretend it’s an accident, if only for the cops and your insurance. Hook up with some random, completely stunning girl you’ll never see again; whose number you’ll immediately delete from your phone on the plane ride from whatever exotic country your friends convince you to travel to with them. I want you to be spontaneous; be wild; be adventurous.”
“And please, Jesus Christ, please…Even if you have to pretend, fall out of love with me. I’m-I’m not worth it, Eth. I’m just not. I’ll always love you; but I’m not worth your love. If you pretend to fall out of love with me; pretend to not miss me; not need me, I’ll promise; I’ll pretend the same for you.”
We both knew he would never be any of those three things; would ever do any of those actions I had just suggested. But I needed to pretend. I needed to pretend that he would be okay without me. I needed to pretend that we would be okay without each other.
I need to pretend that I knew he would move on from me. I needed to pretend that he would immediately stop loving me so I could stop loving him; always wanting him; constantly needing him.
But pretending only went so far.
I withdrew my hand from his hair, unclenched his death grip around my legs, and let him fall into a curled up fetal position on his floor, gasping as I swallowed my shocked sobs, fleeing the crime scene.________________________________________