Red as Coals, Black as Night Chapter 2 | Teen Ink

Red as Coals, Black as Night Chapter 2

June 15, 2010
By OfficialApprover PLATINUM, Orefield, Pennsylvania
OfficialApprover PLATINUM, Orefield, Pennsylvania
48 articles 0 photos 1752 comments

Favorite Quote:
Grab life by the balls. -Slobberknocker<br /> We cannot change the cards we&#039;re dealt just how we play the hand<br /> Experience is what you get when you didn&#039;t get what you wanted<br /> It&#039;s pretty easy to be smart when you&#039;re parroting smart people<br /> -Randy Pausch


Recalling the legend, Jose smiled disdainfully. It sounded like a fairy tale. Nevertheless, when he stopped for a drink an hour later, he made an offering of meat to Shano, thanking him for a successful kill.

He was passing through a young wood now, healthy and bright. The sunlight irked him, and hurt his skin, but he did his best to ignore it.

The sun was starting to fade, so he took shelter in a small cave between rocks. Right outside the cave, so the smoke wouldn’t suffocate him, he started a fire. Then he caught two bright green fish in a nearby brook, and cooked them. Their taste was very plain without herbs, but he was used to eating things simply. The fish still had a very good taste.

After eating most of the fish and leaving the rest out for scavengers and other animals, he climbed into his shelter and, making sure he had a hole he could breathe through, he fell asleep.



The next morning he got up feeling grumpy, though he didn’t know why. At least he would reach the castle in four days.

It cheered him to think of seeing his companions again, and telling them of his success. Oh, how they would look!

Most Shanese started being trained when they turned twenty, and started going out to actually do the work at age twenty five, young though that was. At first Jose had been no different, but when his teachers had seen what an aptitude he had for it, they had sent him out when he was only twenty two.

Jose could still remember the day of his first assignment as if it were yesterday. He could still see the older Shanese men cooking the pigs for that night’s supper. Shanese women were never birthed, which was why it was so important to have as few generations as possible, since they had to constantly dilute their blood to survive.

He could still see his friends and enemies that were his age, lining the walkways to stare at him with envy. They all wished they could already go out to do the real work.

He had made his way nervously to Shalamar’s reception room, wondering what kind of girl he was going to kill. While the Shanese killed many of them, there were still those occasions when the Shanese never came back. Jose’s father had never come back.

Remembering this, Jose had begun to sweat. It had dripped down his black face heavily, and splashed on the smooth stone floor.

However, all his worry had been for nothing. As a beginner, Jose had been given an easy assignment. The girl’s ability had been to project her voice over vast distances. All she could do was scream. It hadn’t done her any good.

When he had returned from the town after a four-day journey, bearing the body of the girl as was asked, the Shanese had celebrated. The ceremony after a Shanese had killed his first Gifted One was very like that of the humans’ manhood ceremony. There had been feasting and drink, as well as sports for two whole days. His friends had treated him almost reverently until he bashed them in the head to get them to return to their old selves. In the eighteen years since his first kill, he had killed twenty nine of them, far more than any of his year-mates. This would be his thirtieth kill.

Yet he couldn’t get that excited about it, or at least not as excited as he should have been. He would have a warm reception and be reunited with his friends, but in his mind’s eye he kept seeing the terror flashing in the girl’s eyes, and the hatred as he advanced on her. She had been so scared, he could almost taste it…Never mind. He could look forward to a real bed and a hot bath soon. That was what mattered.

He started running, and soon he was clear of the wood, crossing miles of very tall meadows with grass waving like hands, as if greeting him. The flowers’ heady scent filled his nostrils, and he sneezed often.

About mid-afternoon he came to the queerest place. It had forests, plains, meadows, lakes, rivers, and a bit of hot, dry land that looked like desert. It looked for all the world as if some giant had plucked out little pieces from all over the world and stuck them all together in this one place. But Jose wasn’t surprised. To him this was a part of home.

It took him three and a half tiring days, but eventually he reached the end of the unnatural place. All the pieces turned into striking mountains. And between the two largest mountains, seated like a crown on the head of an immense monarch, was the castle.

It was huge. Jose had seen the scrawny little things those humans called “castles.” They were like chicken coops next to a mansion. Then again, the human castles were numerous, and each did not house that many people. This was where the majority of the Shanese population, particularly the warriors, lived, as well as their ruler.

The encircling walls were eighty feet high, soaring into the sky, and at least twenty feet thick at their thinnest. They completely enclosed the castle, and every twenty feet along there was a guard. The guard towers were large and stocked with weapons. Mounted by each one were loaded ballistae. Before the walls were ditches filled with slanted spikes, made to impale unfriendly riders. Any Shanese, even the elderly, were nimble enough to cross unscathed.

There was only one gate, and it was made of solid iron. Any battering ram would really have its work cut out trying to breach this gate. There were also spikes spaced along the gate. Above it, a murder hole was poised to pour boiling oil and rocks on enemies. This was a place meant to hold off intruders.

Behind the stone walls was a log one. It was only forty feet high, and not very thick, but it was another barrier against entry. Upon this wall were manned catapults that could hurl ammunition over the stone wall and on invaders. The gate through this wall was wooden, but heavy and durable. Inside all that was the castle itself.

Surrounding the castle were things needed to keep the inhabitants living, like blacksmith’s huts, carpenters, livestock, and the cooking grounds, as well as a grain mill and well. There was also a servants quarters to the side of the palace, for those who were too old to still fight, and so served the king. On the opposite side of the castle from the servants’ quarters were the barracks for those who could still fight, but were just ordinary soldiers, not favored by the king. The long wood and stone barracks were built to house many soldiers, not to give comfort to those who lived in them. Those favored by the king, like Jose, lived in the castle itself. This was a much better place to live.

The castle had dozens of towers, ranging in height, but they all surrounded the largest tower of all, looking like a grown cat among kittens. It was in there that the king lived. The towers, the bases, the courtyard walls, everything was made of smooth, shining black rock. It looked both empty and full at the same time, filled with darkness. The king enjoyed putting fireplaces near the windows, so the windows seemed to glow red, like devils’ eyes. All windows that rose above the stone wall had stone grates that could be slid up, in case of attack.

Despite the dark, heavy veil that seemed to cling to the very rocks of the castle, the courtyards bloomed with color. Flowers of every kind, from all over the world resided in the airy courtyards. Many Shanese liked to bring seeds from the places they went hunting in. For creatures so dark and evil, Shanese had an aptitude and love for growing flowers. Especially red flowers. Jose dug in his robes and took out two small, green-blue seeds. He had brought them from Afalia. He had also brought a piece of the beautiful rock found there. His master had a collection of similar things from all the places his minions went.

Jose jogged to the gate calling out to the guards he recognized. “Karamon! Ruchasil! Untasi! Pakarot! I’m back!” They greeted him happily, asking him if his mission had been successful. He gave them a cold smile as an answer.

They let him through the gates. As he strolled up the beaten paths, he called out greetings to his friends. At one point he passed his former weapons trainer, a grizzled old Shanese who was about one hundred fifty years old, and continued to fight and teach others to fight despite his age. “Lenrafas!” Jose cried gladly. “What have you been up to?”

The older Shanese grinned. “Not much,” he replied. “The newest bunch of warriors, if you can call them that, are a bunch of soft-handed worrywarts. But never mind. I’ll have them straightened out in no time.” Jose, recalling Lenrafas’s methods of teaching, winced in sympathy for his charges.

“Got your thirtieth, did ya?” he inquired. When Jose nodded, he smiled again, but this time without the wolfish edge to it. This time he looked proud. “You do well by me, Jose.” Lenrafas informed him. “I’m proud of you.” Jose nodded again, honored by the compliment, especially since Lenrafas usually was not forthcoming with them. Then he continued on.

He finally paused at the main door to the castle. It was twenty five feet high and five feet thick. There was a complicated mechanism that opened the door, but it still usually required at least two Shanese to operate it. He knocked lightly on the door four times, paused, knocked lightly twice again, then knocked heavily twice. This knock said you were one of the warriors who lived in the castle that had just returned from a trip. The door grated open slowly, and Jose walked inside.

Everything was just the same as when he had left two weeks ago. There was still the bright red carpet covering the entire, immense floor of the main hall, the lamps hung all over the ceiling, which seemed to absorb light instead of create it. There were the torches along the walls, the comfortable, simple leather chairs spaced around the room for people to sit and talk in, with tables in between them. There were dark wooden chests filled with gear necessary for winter and summer, and closets to hang your wet or dirty garments in. On the walls hung various weapons, from daggers like the one Jose wore to large pole arms such as pikes and spears. They were mostly for show, and most of the weapons warriors used were simple, plain ones, but when they first killed a Gifted One they were allowed to select one weapon from the wall as their own. Most warriors took great care of their special weapon, and it was one of their most prized possessions. Jose’s sapphire-hilted dagger was his weapon.

Jose observed the tapestries on the walls. Despite the disbelief in the story, many illustrated how the Shanese had come into being. Some were by Shanese, but since most Shanese were not good artists, many were drawn by captive humans. It was easy to tell which was which. Those done by the humans had a bitter taint to them, as if the artists had taken out some of their fear and anger with their captors on the tapestries.

Two in particular caught his eye. These were ones of the Gifted Ones, demonstrating their powers. In the first tapestry the woman was facing forward, her brown hair up in a stern bun, blue eyes intent and focused. All around her, various objects flew through the air. Jose knew which power this depicted. He had just killed it.

In the other tapestry, the woman was facing away. All you could see of her was her long black hair, swirling around her body and face. Because of the convoluted way she was sitting, it was impossible to tell how tall she was. Surrounding her was what seemed to be all things green in the world, and she commanded them. Grasses, trees, bushes, plants--and flowers. He wished he could do that.

His inspection over with, Jose decided to retire to his rooms. He strode through the dimly lit halls, the flickering light making his eyes seem to dance and burn.

He soon reached his quarters which were in one of the relatively large towers, and also close to the Throne Room, the Reception Room, and Shalamar’s personal chambers. Since he was close to the throne because of the amount of generations his family went from the original Shanese, and because he had a constantly growing reputation as a fearsome, skilled warrior, he was one of the favored warriors allowed to live in the castle itself.

When he reached the door with his name carved into the wood, he opened it with a grateful sigh. Behind the door lay a fancy chamber, with a very large (Shanese were nine feet tall), comfortable bed, a separate room for the privy, an entire corner devoted to weapons and the care of weapons, two or three padded chairs, and a writing desk. Jose happily sank into one of the chairs, forgetting everything for a moment in the pleasure of being home.

When his muscles began to cramp, Jose stood up and looked around for something to do, something to occupy his time while he waited. He decided to clean and sharpen his knife. Going to the room with the wash basin and privy in it, he gently washed the blood off the knife and the sheath in which it had lain, taking care not to cut his fingers. When it was thoroughly cleaned and dried, he took out his whetting stone and set to work putting a new edge on the blade. This whole time he was half concentrating on his work, and half listening for the knock he knew would come.

Two hours later, it came. Two sharp knocks, one palm slap, and two gentle fingernail taps. This was the knock Jose and his closest friend used with each other. Jose, beaming, threw open the door to see Karamon, or Kar, as Jose called him standing there with a sarcastic look on his face.

“Well, that ridiculous human thing they call a circus has come here at last, has it? They clearly sent one of their creatures in to spy on us, in the form of a Shanese. It was the hopping around and foolish grinning that gave you away as a dancing bear, Jose.”

Jose laughed-he’d forgotten how funny Kar could be-and ran forward to clap him on the shoulder. Kar smiled, all signs of acting gone and said quietly, “It’s good to have you home, Jose.”

Jose had been gone for two weeks, but Kar had been gone five weeks before that, arriving home three days after Jose left. Usually missions weren’t so close together, but this was the time of season when reports of Gifted Ones, true or false, came pouring in. The pair hadn’t seen each other in almost two months.

They spent the night drinking and recalling old times, like when they were mere youngsters of fourteen, and slipped sleeping herbs into the tea of their language master. He had nodded off before all the young kids. It was only when they had finished recounting old tales that they spoke of recent times. When Jose asked Kar about his mission, he launched into a tale of boredom, suspicion, wonder, then sweet success. When he was finally finished with this long-winded narrative, he turned to Jose and asked, “What about you? Did you bag another one?” his eyes glinted eagerly as he spoke of killing the girls. While this one had been Jose’s thirtieth, the one Kar had killed had only been his twenty first. Kar, despite being Jose’s closest friend and treating him to many very interesting speeches, was like the other Shanese their age in that he held Jose in a sort of awe, for his skill with the blade, his aptitude for killing the girls, and his closeness to the throne.

Jose shifted uncomfortably. He did not feel like talking about what he’d accomplished. Whenever he was reminded of it even the slightest bit, it all came to him as if he were there again: the long streets made of that curious rock, the girl’s frantic breathing as she pumped her scrawny human legs as fast as she could, remembering to run the pace of humans so they wouldn’t be any more suspicious than they already were of a nine-foot-tall creature. He remembered how the blood had spurted from her neck when his beautiful dagger cut into her throat. She had hardly seemed to be aware she was mortally wounded. The fear and panic she must have felt had merged with her power, strengthening it, allowing her to move the living rats. But this was a power Jose was immune to. The rats had dropped to the ground, then scurried away, frightened for their lives. He had seen the hopelessness in the girl’s eyes as she realized she was powerless against him. And he had seen the understanding some of them got in their last moments. He remembered feebly trying to explain to her why he had done it as the last breath of life had left her limbs. He remembered it all. He didn’t want to remember.

But Kar was like all the rest of the Shanese, eager to kill, to hunt, to feel their fear. And he wouldn’t take no for an answer. So slowly, reluctantly, he told Kar of his encounter, his friend’s red eyes shining like orbs the whole time.

“You should have tortured the nag,” Kar said, voice scornful as he spoke of the unfortunate girl. “You should have let her suffer a little. You’re always far too kind.”

Jose gripped his arm wordlessly, eyes drilling into his companion’s. He hadn’t realized how hard he was squeezing until Kar winced. Jose relaxed his grip slightly. “You know I don’t believe in that,” he reminded Kar quietly. “I know everyone else likes to make it as painful as possible, but I don’t. I don’t want to prolong the hurt. I just get the job done. I don’t know why I’m like that, why I’m different, but I am. And you know that. So please don’t keep bringing that up. I don’t hate the girls like the rest of you do.”

Jose let go of his friend’s arm. It had been a longer speech than he usually made. But he wanted his friend to understand that he wasn’t like that. With the other Shanese he didn’t show these feelings, knowing they would take them as weakness, but he wanted his closest friend, at least, to know. He also didn’t want his friend to keep bringing back the memories. It was bad enough that the slightest thing, like when he had seen two large rats on his way up the path, could bring them back. He didn’t need his friend to contribute.

Kar was rubbing his arm, grimacing. Jose regretted gripping it so hard. He hadn’t meant to hurt Kar.

Kar turned around and looked at Jose, concern in his crimson eyes. “You had better not let Shalamar see that,” he said quietly. “You had really better not.”


The author's comments:
Second chapter in my novel:)

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This article has 79 comments.


on Jul. 11 2010 at 4:05 pm
OfficialApprover PLATINUM, Orefield, Pennsylvania
48 articles 0 photos 1752 comments

Favorite Quote:
Grab life by the balls. -Slobberknocker<br /> We cannot change the cards we&#039;re dealt just how we play the hand<br /> Experience is what you get when you didn&#039;t get what you wanted<br /> It&#039;s pretty easy to be smart when you&#039;re parroting smart people<br /> -Randy Pausch

Thank you so much for reading these!  You have no idea how much I appreciate the feedback:)

on Jul. 11 2010 at 3:44 pm
...PensiveGurl... PLATINUM, Aurora, Colorado
20 articles 0 photos 267 comments

Favorite Quote:
You get ideas from daydreaming. You get ideas from being bored. You get ideas all the time. The only difference between writers and other people is we notice when we&#039;re doing it- Neil Gaiman.<br /> Who are you to be who you are?-Le&#039;Na Pernell

It's a good thing that Jose doesn't want to kill the girls so now i must see more of his conflicting emotions! on to the next one!!

on Jul. 10 2010 at 12:31 pm
OfficialApprover PLATINUM, Orefield, Pennsylvania
48 articles 0 photos 1752 comments

Favorite Quote:
Grab life by the balls. -Slobberknocker<br /> We cannot change the cards we&#039;re dealt just how we play the hand<br /> Experience is what you get when you didn&#039;t get what you wanted<br /> It&#039;s pretty easy to be smart when you&#039;re parroting smart people<br /> -Randy Pausch

Haha, no worries, I'm exactly the same.  I did this before too, I thought it hadn't posted my comment so I posted it like two or three times.

We-R-3 BRONZE said...
on Jul. 10 2010 at 11:17 am
We-R-3 BRONZE, Orlando, Florida
1 article 0 photos 344 comments

Favorite Quote:
A picture is worth a thousand words, however it takes a real artist to turn words into pictures.<br /> <br /> Have you heard about the new Lebron Iphone, you have to set it on vibrate because it doesn&#039;t have any rings

Sorry my fault the thing didn't post immediatly like usual, I thought, something was wrong. That is the OCD side of me, I can't leave something undone. :D

on Jul. 9 2010 at 9:03 pm
OfficialApprover PLATINUM, Orefield, Pennsylvania
48 articles 0 photos 1752 comments

Favorite Quote:
Grab life by the balls. -Slobberknocker<br /> We cannot change the cards we&#039;re dealt just how we play the hand<br /> Experience is what you get when you didn&#039;t get what you wanted<br /> It&#039;s pretty easy to be smart when you&#039;re parroting smart people<br /> -Randy Pausch

Wow...OK, get the point:)

We-R-3 BRONZE said...
on Jul. 9 2010 at 8:58 pm
We-R-3 BRONZE, Orlando, Florida
1 article 0 photos 344 comments

Favorite Quote:
A picture is worth a thousand words, however it takes a real artist to turn words into pictures.<br /> <br /> Have you heard about the new Lebron Iphone, you have to set it on vibrate because it doesn&#039;t have any rings

MAN that was a quick response, the next one was more of a complete meal. THIS BETTER POST THIS TIME(I wrote this thing three times!!!). :D :D :D jeeesh

We-R-3 BRONZE said...
on Jul. 9 2010 at 8:57 pm
We-R-3 BRONZE, Orlando, Florida
1 article 0 photos 344 comments

Favorite Quote:
A picture is worth a thousand words, however it takes a real artist to turn words into pictures.<br /> <br /> Have you heard about the new Lebron Iphone, you have to set it on vibrate because it doesn&#039;t have any rings

The next one was more of a complete meal, and DANG that was a quick response. :D

We-R-3 BRONZE said...
on Jul. 9 2010 at 8:55 pm
We-R-3 BRONZE, Orlando, Florida
1 article 0 photos 344 comments

Favorite Quote:
A picture is worth a thousand words, however it takes a real artist to turn words into pictures.<br /> <br /> Have you heard about the new Lebron Iphone, you have to set it on vibrate because it doesn&#039;t have any rings

Dang that was fast. I just posted that a second ago, and no the next one was not it was more of a complete meal. :D

on Jul. 9 2010 at 8:46 pm
OfficialApprover PLATINUM, Orefield, Pennsylvania
48 articles 0 photos 1752 comments

Favorite Quote:
Grab life by the balls. -Slobberknocker<br /> We cannot change the cards we&#039;re dealt just how we play the hand<br /> Experience is what you get when you didn&#039;t get what you wanted<br /> It&#039;s pretty easy to be smart when you&#039;re parroting smart people<br /> -Randy Pausch

Lol, great analogies, reminds me of my Romanian somewhat-illiterate/inarticulate gymnastics coach who compares not working your a** off to throwing something in the garbage(?).  I appreciate the comment, and I'm really glad you're commenting on my articles.  I could use the feedback.  Hope chapter three is POP.

We-R-3 BRONZE said...
on Jul. 9 2010 at 8:38 pm
We-R-3 BRONZE, Orlando, Florida
1 article 0 photos 344 comments

Favorite Quote:
A picture is worth a thousand words, however it takes a real artist to turn words into pictures.<br /> <br /> Have you heard about the new Lebron Iphone, you have to set it on vibrate because it doesn&#039;t have any rings

I know right, Teenink, makes every thing long. Now your feedback this time there are some cheesy acrostics and analogies.

Novels deserve thourough feed

I did not notice any convention errors, yet at the same time this one was not as POP as the last. (Peice of pizza writing.) When I eat pizza I want more.  I read this but it was not like I was eating pizza, it was like I was eating broccoli. (my favorite vegetable but a vegitable all the same.) I like and dislike this, you are keeping this from being to much like junk food and more like a nice balanced meal. The thing I found off about this is that there is to much broccoli. (explanation and detail. A little bit of vegtetables go a long way.) Now I am kinda of hungry, I think I will eat something while I read the next chapter. :D.

See tyold you this was gonna be kinda cheesy.


on Jul. 9 2010 at 8:38 pm
OfficialApprover PLATINUM, Orefield, Pennsylvania
48 articles 0 photos 1752 comments

Favorite Quote:
Grab life by the balls. -Slobberknocker<br /> We cannot change the cards we&#039;re dealt just how we play the hand<br /> Experience is what you get when you didn&#039;t get what you wanted<br /> It&#039;s pretty easy to be smart when you&#039;re parroting smart people<br /> -Randy Pausch

Thanks!  I really appreciate constructive criticsim.  But honestly, I personally believe that the rest of the chapters are a h*** of a lot more interesting.

on Jul. 9 2010 at 8:35 pm
Just.A.Dream SILVER, Lake Geneva, Wisconsin
7 articles 0 photos 430 comments

Favorite Quote:
Part of the J7X team. :)

You had a little repeat information in this chapter. This one was a little boring, not as exciting as the other ones. And it was quite lengthy at some parts.

 

But I liked how you showed Jose's guilt.


on Jul. 9 2010 at 6:45 pm
OfficialApprover PLATINUM, Orefield, Pennsylvania
48 articles 0 photos 1752 comments

Favorite Quote:
Grab life by the balls. -Slobberknocker<br /> We cannot change the cards we&#039;re dealt just how we play the hand<br /> Experience is what you get when you didn&#039;t get what you wanted<br /> It&#039;s pretty easy to be smart when you&#039;re parroting smart people<br /> -Randy Pausch

Thanks for the honest feedback.  I realize it was difficult to read, since it is fairly long and the Teenink format makes it seem even longer(grr).  And while it may not seem important, this chapter is pretty important later in the story.

on Jul. 9 2010 at 3:28 pm
cHicKEnWaNg1 SILVER, Marietta, Georgia
9 articles 1 photo 100 comments

Favorite Quote:
It aint no thang but a chicken wang

this one wasnt as attention grabbing to me as the first one seriously it took me an hour and thirty minutes to read it and what my mind comprehinded was that he got home and talked to his friend you wrote alot just to say that but it was good 

on Jul. 7 2010 at 11:09 pm
OfficialApprover PLATINUM, Orefield, Pennsylvania
48 articles 0 photos 1752 comments

Favorite Quote:
Grab life by the balls. -Slobberknocker<br /> We cannot change the cards we&#039;re dealt just how we play the hand<br /> Experience is what you get when you didn&#039;t get what you wanted<br /> It&#039;s pretty easy to be smart when you&#039;re parroting smart people<br /> -Randy Pausch

Thanks, I'm really glad for the feedback.  The background thing--I realize the air of mystery can be very useful, but it just sort of doesn't work in my novel.  There are other twists and turns, but Jose's background isn't one of them.

on Jul. 7 2010 at 10:30 pm
aaaaaqweqweqwe SILVER, Somewhere, Illinois
6 articles 0 photos 67 comments

I have written a couple novels, and if you are seriously considering making this a full novel, here is my advice: slowwww down. You don't have to give a character's background all at once. You don't even have to give it all at the beginning of the story. Some of the greatest authors leave a mysterious gap in their character's background throughout the story, and when the info is revealed, it makes the reader go "ohhhh, i get it". You have an entire novel to give this info. Thats like 50k words, or more. So slow up a little, and enjoy yourself. Give some description, add some humor, whatever you want. Take your time.

 

Great job, keep writing :)


on Jul. 7 2010 at 8:42 pm

I type all my stuff on word docs too. I think each full word doc page=2 pages of published material. I try to keep my chapters no more than like 7 pages but that's just me.

It seems to me like you feel very strongly that your story is fine the way it is. I mean, it's better to love your work and not sell yourself out there to mainstream crap but at the same time, you might want to consider your audience just a little bit. That's just my opinion tho I mean this is your story and you should do what you want with it. But until you establish yourself as a great author, I don't think people would care to have the patience to give all the background info a chance, nor would they be patient with the slow-to-develope pace.

There's countless examples of stories that have captivated and inspired many people like nothing else. It seems to me like you hope that your story will do that. I think it can, but you have to spread things out a little more instead of overwhelming readers in the beginning with a textbook reading. The Harry Potter series hardly gave any background info on the wizarding world at all--I think it should have given a little more--but look at how just the little pieces of the world and the environment itself captivated readers.

I'm not trying to be an a-hole about my opinion, (and sorry if I am lol) but I figured it might help to challenge your ideas about not chaning your story to see how much you truly want to hold on to them and if they will (as mine have) change with time. 


on Jul. 5 2010 at 7:40 pm
OfficialApprover PLATINUM, Orefield, Pennsylvania
48 articles 0 photos 1752 comments

Favorite Quote:
Grab life by the balls. -Slobberknocker<br /> We cannot change the cards we&#039;re dealt just how we play the hand<br /> Experience is what you get when you didn&#039;t get what you wanted<br /> It&#039;s pretty easy to be smart when you&#039;re parroting smart people<br /> -Randy Pausch

Thanks for the constructive criticism.  I actually have considered splitting some of my chapters that are very long(like this one, although it isn't the longest--let's just say it's a good thing I did split the fourth chapter in two), but since I type this on word, I have no clue how, with my text size, font, and the computer pages that word uses, how many book pages these would be, and I know that book chapters aren't usually much more than fifteen pages, and even that's a bit long.  I didn't know how many this would be, though. In word this chapter is only about seven and a quarter pages.  It's confusing, believe me.  By now I have 151 pages, but I have no clue how many book pages that would be.

As for the legend part--yes, I realize that to many people it could be considered boring, and corny, as I mentioned in my comment.  I also realize that in some stories it makes them so much better if there is an air of mystery to them, not just straight out, here you are, this is what's what.  But with my story, as it develops, it is really necessary that people have all of this information.  People aren't going to realize what a difficult and important decision it is that Jose is making later in the fifth chapter if they don't have the background--him meeting her won't have the same effect.  There are other places, but that is probably the most important.

The action--well, I can definitely assure you that will pick up.  Doesn't seem like it now, and I'm not saying you have to read my other chapters, after looking at your thread, I know how busy you are, but it REALLY picks up pretty soon.  There are several action scenes I've made that I'm pretty proud of, and some that aren't technically "action scenes" but are very important and tense. 

The romance part I'll mention even though you didn't.  I really shouldn't have tagged these as a romance because a.)NONE of the romance picks up until about chapter five, the last chapter I posted on here, and even that isn't that much, and b.)This story isn't a romance, just a fantasy with romance in it.  That was a dumb move on my part.

Sorry for being so long-winded.  Thanks again for commenting and giving me your opinion.


on Jul. 5 2010 at 7:27 pm

simon cowell feedback--you asked for it!

I'll start by saying you're a pretty good writer. It's hard to find specific mistakes in this piece.

That said, part of being a good writer/novelist is being a good storyteller. Your story is not only incredibly long but I also find it kind of boring and hard to follow. You go into WAY too much detail on some things like the castle. It's a castle--I mean with the fast pace that the story is set in, what do you think the readers are going to picture?

The pace is too fast which makes it hard to follow. Since you're writing a novel, slow down, break up things into more chapters (pleeeasee this one is SOOOOOO long....) and take your time to enjoy describing in great detail important things. How the characters interact. Action. Adventure. The escape expereince that you intend to provide for the reader.

I glanced at the first chapter and you were like "bear through this important information" which basically means "this is going to be more boring than your history text book. Read this because you love me."

I think you're a pretty good writer but I can't say I love you enough to be that patient with your story. The kind of lengthy intro you have might be ok if you were JRR Tolkein or if you had a supernerd fan base behind you, but you don't, so it needs to be a lot more concise, or deleted altogether. have your characters explain parts of the myth within the story. Not only does that make the reader more interested, but it doesn't overwhelm them. Remember, this stuff might fascinate you, but it usually doesn't fascinate otehr people until they see the characters and the action develope. Look at Star Wars and Harry Potter. There wouldn't be fan bases without all the action and magic. Right now your story needs a lot more action and a lot more seperation between chapters. Take your time to enjoy it! It's a novel. No need to rush :)


on Jul. 5 2010 at 4:16 pm
OfficialApprover PLATINUM, Orefield, Pennsylvania
48 articles 0 photos 1752 comments

Favorite Quote:
Grab life by the balls. -Slobberknocker<br /> We cannot change the cards we&#039;re dealt just how we play the hand<br /> Experience is what you get when you didn&#039;t get what you wanted<br /> It&#039;s pretty easy to be smart when you&#039;re parroting smart people<br /> -Randy Pausch

Thanks!  Some of their talking is occasionally a bit strange, but most of it, I try to make sound normal.