Promise
Carson thought back on the events of the past few months and wondered how it had gotten so messy, was there anything he could’ve done to change it? Could he have done at all anything to fix it? Things were broken beyond repair but he knew one thing was for sure, Danny was the best mistake he’d ever made and even as he looked back on it all in that moment, he couldn’t regret any of it and he never would, regardless of if Danny really loved him or not.
…..
“Danny, you’ve been bouncing around like a kid on cocaine for ten minutes now. Please can you just tell me what the hell you called me here for?” Carson demanded.
“Jeez, morbid.” Danny shot back, with a crooked smile plastered to his unshaven face.
“Oh shut up, I haven’t gotten my coffee yet, you know how I get!”
Danny nodded his head with a look in his eyes that said Oh yes I do.
Carson’s patience was running at an all time low now. He was late for a production meeting at Vogue, a magazine he wrote fashion critiques for about new and upcoming designers every week. He’d planned to give a presentation on some designer from Brooklyn he’d met at a party, but he was already 10 minutes off schedule. He made a mental note to call Lucy, his coworker, and tell her to postpone the meeting as soon as this whole charade with Danny was done. He knew she would understand if he blamed his tardiness on Danny’s antics.
With an annoyed sigh, Carson placed his attention back on the shaggy haired friend sitting across from him. “Okay Dan, what is it?”
“Oh, I - Well, do I have to tell you now? I was sort of hoping we could go on a walk through central or something and talk about it?” Danny suggested as he handed Carson his coffee cup.
“Dear God, please tell me you didn’t get Lydia pregnant! I am so not ready to deal with those mood swings, and I’ll be the one dealing with them because you’ll go hide in your studio and I’ll have to hear all about her plans for the shower, and the weird Jewish baby names she’s picked out and -“
“Oh my god Carson no!” Danny squealed, interrupting Carson’s rant.
“I - well, Lydia and I, we’re engaged?” Danny admitted, posing it as a question.
“I feel like that’s a statement you should be more sure of.” Carson didn’t really know what to think. There was an odd twinge in his chest, he chalked it up to being left out of the engagement plan. After all, if this whole engagement thing was true, why hadn’t Danny told him he was going to propose to his high school girlfriend? I mean, they’re supposed to be best friends, right? How could he keep this from him? Did he think Carson would tell Lydia? I mean, he might of. But he would’ve done his best to keep the secret! Carson was about to question Danny’s decision outloud when Danny finally chimed in.
“Okay so, Lydia kind of took over. Ya know like she always does and she suggested we put a ring on it and I sort of said... sure!” Danny smirked, waiting for approval.
Carson rolled his eyes at the ridiculousness of it all.
“She told you she wanted to get married and your reply was sure? Oh Danny,” Carson couldn’t help but laugh. “What are we going to do with you?”
“So does that mean we have your blessing?” Danny smiled wide, hazel eyes crinkling at the edges. He looked like a small child waiting for his parents to say yes to a sleepover with his best friend.
“I’m not your father Dan,” Carson replied, and then cleared his throat trying to put on his best mock royalty tone,”but, if you must know, then yes. I approve of the arrangement.”
After that it was laughs and smiles and questions like, “When’s the wedding?” “Where are you two tieing the knot?” “Have either of you run away screaming yet?” And all of the sudden plans were coming together and next thing they knew it was the night before the trip to Paris for the wedding. This also happened to be the night that everything changed.
…..

For the past few months, Carson had been extremely busy with work, helping Lydia with wedding plans, Sunday coffees with Danny at their usually spot etc, but he didn’t mind much. Although this whole wedding thing kind of freaked him out. It finally dawned on him that they weren’t kids in high school anymore. Lydia, Danny and him had always been good friends and Carson knew they might all get married and settle down someday but, his high school self never imagined it would be Danny and Lydia getting married, though they were high school sweethearts. Back then, it had always been a different combination in Carson’s head. But Danny was straight, that was for certain, and Carson was not. That was also for certain. Luckily he didn't have much time to think about the past, or even the present. Carson spent an enormous amount of time helping Lydia plan everything for the big day. He was so immensely glad to forget about all of the color schemes, flower choices, and eggshell white dresses with sweetheart necklines for one night and go out for some much needed fun with the guys.


After several high-pitched warnings from Lydia about “No strip clubs!” and “Do NOT bring him home trashed!” Danny, Carson and a few of their close friends boarded the makeshift “party bus” put together by Danny’s eccentric friends. Drinks were immediately passed out and Danny seemed to loosen up for the first time in weeks. Carson had noticed that Danny was acting sort of weird, but everytime he brought it up, Danny always blew it off. He blamed it on work stress but Carson knew that Danny didn’t really have “work stress”, considering he had recently told Carson about how wonderful things were going at the studio. So tonight, Carson had a plan to get Danny totally smashed, against all of Lydia’s warnings, and find out the truth. Danny was an open book when he was drunk. Carson learned this after many a high school party where he sat on the couch letting Dan cry on his shoulder about his dog dying and his parents divorce and all the things boiling up inside him. But none of those drunken conversations could have ever prepared him for what was about to come out of Danny’s mouth.
After a few hours dancing with random girls to music that was too loud, Carson took Danny outside for some air. They were alone at the back of the club.
“Carson? Carson? Carson what the - wheredidyago?” Danny yelled in a jumble of slurred, panicked words.
“I’m right here Danny,” Carson giggled, tapping him on the shoulder. Danny turned back around swiftly, almost falling to his feet, but Carson caught his arm.
“Ahh!” he shrieked, and then Danny’s eyes focused in on Carson. “Oh Carson it’s you. I thought you left me forever! Silly lil guy, hidin’ from me. Ey! Don’t do that okay?”
Danny was rambling and Carson couldn’t understand half of what he’d said. Truthfully, Carson had had one too many vodka sodas and was way too tipsy to remember his plan from earlier.
“Do what?” Carson questioned.
“Leave me,” Danny answered plainly,” Don’t ever do that, okay?” Danny said, every bit of alcohol gone from his voice. He suddenly looked so serious and there was a sort of desperation in his eyes. Carson wasn’t quite sure where all of this was coming from. Suddenly, he felt a hand grabbing for his own. Danny had intertwined their fingers and seemed perplexed by the back of Carson’s hand.
“Yeah okay. I won’t leave you, Danny. Ever,” Carson replied.
“Promise?”
“Promise.” and he meant it. Even though he was more than slightly intoxicated he meant
every single word of what he’d just said. Danny held Carson’s hand to his own face then, fingers still intertwined, and kissed the back of Carson’s hand very gently. So gently Carson thought he might of imagined it.
Danny smiled then, “ You’re so soft, like... like... I don’t know! What’s something soft? Oh! Like my baby blankets or something like that. But you smell better. God you smell so good.” Danny was still holding Carson hand to his face, softly rubbing it back and forth against his scruffy cheek. There was something being triggered in Carson, in his stomach, in his heart, and in his head. He knew he should pull away but he was hypnotized. Danny was so, so just Danny! There were no words to describe him. He was so handsome, with dark curls that fell around his tanned skin, and eyes that lit up like streetlights on pitch black roads. He was charming and so eloquent when he wasn’t totally drunk and - oh no. There it was again. That familiar feeling he’d suppressed for so long. Little butterflies started to rise again in Carson’s stomach.
`“Danny, I think we should go back inside.” He whispered, almost inaudibly. Afraid his voice would give away what he was feeling.
“No! No stay here. Stay with me. You promised you wouldn’t leave me, remember? You promised.” Danny said in a panic. He pulled him closer then, letting go of Carson’s hand only to wrap his arm around his waist. At that moment there was no going back. Danny was looking straight into Carson cerulean blue eyes with so much intensity and so much need and Carson could only stare back. Danny was moving, eyes zeroing in on Carson’s pale vodka stained lips, and that was it. Their mouths met and suddenly there was grabbing and hands tangled in messy hair and slurred words like,
“We should stop” “Danny I-” and then one last thing, that brought all conversation to an end.
“Carson I want you. I need you. Please?”
……
Carson was still reeling from his night with Danny. Trying to think through what had happened and how it had happened and what the f*** they were gonna do. Lydia was his friend and she was engaged to Danny and Carson had just woke up in bed with that very same, very engaged, boy just a few hours ago and God he really couldn’t bring himself to regret last night. Danny was still asleep at his apartment, and by the time they’d arrived at his place, Lydia had already left for work, thank the lord. Carson left quietly when he woke up that afternoon and went to pack for their trip to the wedding destination, Paris, the next morning. The day went smoothly and the trip there also went well, because Lydia sort of had a monopoly on Danny the whole time, asking his opinion on flowers and dinner choices and all that dumb s*** that Carson was really getting really tired of hearing about. He’d never realized how nasally and downright whiny Lydia’s voice was. and God she was so demanding and selfish. Carson balled up his fists whenever he began to think about her, but this was supposed to be his friend! What was happening to him?
Paris was a dream for Carson. Not just because of the fashions and scenery but because of one person in particular. Danny and him stole secret glances and brushed up against each other while touring the city’s wedding destinations and every time anyone mentioned running errands for last minute wedding details, Danny suggested he and Carson go get them together, and those trips usually lead to quickies in the back of a car that was way too small for both of them to fit into, but they didn't really mind being close. Carson felt horrible about it all, and he wished the situation had been different, obviously, but he couldn't stop himself. His high school crush had taken over and it seemed like it was becoming more than just a crush this time. Every touch, every whispered word and suggestive wink; it was all so much more. Carson couldn’t believe any of this was even happening. The only problem was that Danny was still getting married for all he knew. Carson couldn’t keep his mouth shut about this forever and there was no way that this was going to continue after Lydia and Danny got married, so Carson planned to talk to Danny about it. His stomach was in knots, and his palms were sweaty. After this talk, Danny may never speak to him again. It could all be over, Danny could be in complete denial about all of it and call Carson crazy if he tried to say anything about to it Lydia. But he couldn’t avoid it any longer. This had already gone on too long. Carson ran his fingers through his coiffed brown hair one more time and headed for the door of his hotel room. He’d planned to march across the hall and demand that Danny come out and talk to him in private. But before Carson could open the door, there was soft knock. He opened it up, surprised to find Danny all dressed up and dapper looking, not that he didn’t always look dapper.
“Hey beautiful,” Danny smiled that same wide smile that made Carson’s heart soar every time.
“Danny, I was just coming to talk to you actually I -” Danny held a hand up to hush Carson.
“Actually, can it wait? We’re gonna be late for our reservation if we don’t leave like,” he stopped to look at the silver watch on his wrist, “five minutes ago.” Danny grabbed Carson’s hand and rushed him down the long hall of their hotel.
“Danny wait! What reservation? And shouldn’t you be with Lydia? She’ll be wondering where you are, you know.”

“Nah, she’s had a long day, she’s been asleep for an hour actually.” he paused, “Oh, I almost forgot,” he said, pulling a small box from his jacket pocket “these are for you.”
Carson took the box and opened it up, giving Danny a curious glance.

“Chocolate from À l’Etoile d’Or? Oh my god, that’s like one of the best candy shops in the city. It also like an hour and a half away, and they’re always sold out by noon! How did you get these?”

I went out early this morning. It was either that or flowers and I figured that flowers were a bit -”

“Feminine? Cliche? Generic?” Carson provided.
“Yeah,” Danny admitted shyly.
“Well I actually happen to love flowers. Specifically red Poppies. They’re a wonderfully simple piece of decor that works in any setting,” Carson smiled, quoting an article from Vogue he’d always loved. Danny’s face fell a bit. “But if given the choice, I would always pick chocolate over stupid flowers. Any day of the week.” Carson assured him.
Danny was all smiles after that, leading Carson from place to place all over the city of lights. They had dinner at some fancy restaurant that Danny probably couldn’t afford, and then they visited the Notre Dame cathedral, and saw an opera neither of them could understand and so they left in the middle of it, laughing and singing to each other in mocking operatic voices all the way to the Eiffel tower. Danny stole a kiss every 2 minutes and couldn’t keep his hands off of Carson’s waist, shoulders, legs, hands. He always kept some sort of physical connection, like if he let go for a even a second, Carson would float away with the wind.
The city was slowing down now, it was late and getting quite chilly outside. Danny lent Carson his jacket and they laid on the grass in front of the tower and talked for what seemed like an eternity, but at the same time seemed like only minutes to them. Carson knew that it was now or never. He hated to ruin a moment like this, a moment so perfect. It was like everything else around them had stopped. Time was at a stand still and they were left with this whole romantic city all to themselves. It felt like they were invincible. But, that was all about to come to an end, because no one is invincible, Not even you. Carson reminded himself. He gathered his courage and took a deep breath.
“Danny?”
“Yeah, beautiful?”
“We need to talk about some things.”
Danny smirked, “Aren’t we talking about some things right now?”
Carson let out a heavy sigh, “You know what I mean.”
Danny rolled on his side, draping his arm over Carson’s waist, he traced slow circles over his torso, and Carson couldn’t really concentrate with the chills running up his back from the motions. Carson grabbed Danny’s hand to still it, but held on to it even after he’d stopped.
“What are we going to do Danny?” Carson asked in a hushed tone.
“What do you mean?” Danny questioned, raising his eyebrows like there was nothing wrong with this situation whatsoever.
“Don’t play dumb with me, please not tonight. Don’t pretend that things are all fine and dandy when you know as well as I do that this, what we’re doing,” he said gesturing to their intertwined fingers, “ it’s wrong.”
“I’m not playing dumb Carson I just, I don’t want to do this now.” Danny shot back, raising his voice a bit.
“You have to do this now Danny. The wedding is two days away!”
“What do you want me to say Carson?” Danny asked, sitting up. “I don’t know what’s going on here, okay? I- I’m really confused too.”
“Danny, you - you’re -”
“I’m not gay.” Danny said firmly.
“What?” Carson challenged, the ‘t’ sound coming sharply from his mouth.
“I-I can’t be right? For 23 years I wasn't, so I can’t be now.”
“I can’t believe you’re being so ignorant right now.” Carson hissed, feeling a tinge of hurt in his chest.
“I’m not being ignorant, I’m just, I don’t know how this works!”
“Okay Danny, I know this is hard but I’m going to be straight with you right now.” Danny looked at him quizzically. “No not like that, you know what I mean!” They both smiled at eachother, breaking the tension for a moment, and then Carson said, “Danny did you ever even love Lydia? Did you ever love any of your girlfriends?”
“I -” Danny paused, really mulling over the question before finally answering, “I’ve never felt this way about anybody until you.” Carson’s heart jumped, what was that supposed to mean?
“Danny, that wasn’t my question. Do you love her, or not?” Carson held his breath waiting for a reply. Danny finally shook his head no. The next question came out in a whisper.
“Danny, do you - do you love me?”
He waited again for the answer to what could possibly be the most important question he’d ever asked anyone. The pause made him panic and he began to think too fast.
He thought back on the events of the past few months and wondered how it had gotten so messy, was there anything he could’ve done to change it? Could he have done anything to fix it? Things were broken beyond repair but he knew one thing was for sure, Danny was the best mistake he’d ever made and even as he looked back on it all in that moment, he couldn’t regret any of it and he never would, regardless of if Danny loved him or not.
Carson’s rapidly moving train of thought came to an abrupt halt when he looked up to find Danny only millimeters away from his face. The blood rushed to his cheeks when he realized their proximity but he couldn’t look away. Carson was hypnotized by Danny’s liquid hazel eyes. Danny sighed and Carson felt the rush of his sweet breath down his own neck. Chills slithered down his spine.
“I’ve never felt this way about anyone else Carson.” Danny whispered timidly. “Damn, I think I’ve always loved you. It just took me a while to realize it.” Before Carson could reply Danny crashed his mouth against his. Carson couldn't help but notice how different this kiss was. There was no sense of hesitancy or shyness. This was completely one hundred percent Danny in all of his charming glory and Carson melted into his lips effortlessly.
But all too soon the kiss began to change. It became messy and urgent, and suddenly Danny was pulling at Carson’s hair, waist, anything he could grab as if nothing could bring them close enough. Danny had just put himself on the line and confessed his undying love for Carson and still it felt all wrong. There shouldn't be this much urgency. Shouldn't they have the rest of their lives to do this? And then Carson came back to reality, like a comet crashing into Earth’s orbit.
Danny was still engaged. He didn’t belong to Carson, he was getting married in two days!
How could Carson let this happen? He felt like such an idiot. He pushed Danny off of him then,
“Danny stop! We can’t do this anymore. We can’t. I can’t. You - Lydia - I -” He uttered in a panic.
Danny was on the defensive now, all the love gone from his eyes like it had never been there in the first place.
“I know, okay? Dammit, don't you think I know that? Carson can’t you just enjoy this with me? This is our last night, let’s make it-”
“Excuse me?” Carson hissed, all the love gone from his eyes now as well. “Our last night? What the f*** is that supposed to mean? Is this it for you? You confess your f'ing love to me and tell me you never had any liking for the girl you're going to marry in a few days and you just expect me to be okay with it? Danny what the actual f***?” Carson had found his confidence now and was spewing accusatory phrases as Danny stared at him in bewilderment.
“Carson, what else am I supposed to do? I told her I’d marry her, and it’s not like I’m gay or anything so we can’t do this anymore! This isn’t your little fantasy world, Carson. It’s not all butterflies and fucking rainbows! This is real life and you can’t expect me to just up and leave everything for some f*** buddy that I might have developed temporary feelings for! You - ” Danny trailed off when he saw Carson’s face. Carson’s eyes lost their light for a moment and Danny felt his heart stop. That wasn’t what he’d meant to say. He knew he loved Carson. He’d loved Carson ever since he first met him on the staircase at their old school and he’d only fallen even more in love every day since. Every Sunday coffee date, every Disney movie night, every secret whispered, day spent, laugh shared, or tear shed, every moment they had together made Danny love Carson more than he’d ever loved or ever would love anything else. There was no doubt about any of it. But what else was he supposed to do? He couldn’t tell Lydia, he didn’t know how! He could barely admit it to himself for godsakes!
Carson got up then, and threw the picnic blanket off of himself as he began to storm away. “Carson wait, can we just talk about this please?” Danny begged.
“No! No Danny we can’t.” Carson shouted. He tried to compose himself but the tears were welling in his eyes and his throat began to burn. “Danny, don’t you see? You win this round. I’m the fool this time. I let you drag me around this f'ing city for weeks thinking that you were going to leave everything for me. I looked into those damn eyes and thought I saw who you were. I thought I knew the real you. I thought you were the Danny Anderson that I fell for so many years ago in that high school hallway. But God you’ve always been so f'ing good at pretending to be something you’re not.”
“Carson please-” Danny took a step toward him but Carson pushed him back with a bit too much force. Though he couldn’t find the strength to feel badly for it now, he was on a role.
“And I hope that talent sticks with you because you're going to be hiding, you're going to be pretending for the rest of your life with Lydia. You said it yourself, you don't love her! And no matter how hard you try you never will, and she deserves better than you. I deserve better than you! So when you're 35 at your son's soccer game and some other miserable father trapped in a loveless marriage makes eyes at you and you jump his f'ing bones under the bleachers do NOT come to me, and do NOT sit here now and tell me you aren’t even the slightest bit on the fence about your sexuality when you’ve spent the last few weeks begging for my d-”
Carson stopped himself then. They were in the middle of a public park for godsakes. He couldn’t bare to look back at Danny so he simply turned away and began walking toward the direction of the hotel, but not before choking out a few final words, “Goodbye Danny, I hope you’re happy. I truly do.”






Epilogue
3 years later
Carson was beyond pissed about having to cover this fashion show. He’d asked his friend Lucy if she would take his place and write the article about the new and upcoming designer Lydia Foss but Lucy was busy with some sort of family event so Carson had no choice. As he took his seat and waited for the runway lights to come up he wondered why Lydia hadn’t changed her last name to Danny’s. They hadn’t seen each other since that last day in Paris but Carson was sure he remembered Lydia doodling in her wedding planner, writing ‘Mrs. Lydia Anderson’ in cursive print while Carson rolled his eyes in the background. He figured that her husband must be here now, for her big runway debut as a professional designer and he hoped to God he would be able to get out of this hell hole without laying eyes on either part of the beautifully married couple.
“Is this seat taken?” A familiar voice whispered in Carson’s ear. Chills ran down his spine and butterflies exploded in his stomach.
“H-hi” Carson stuttered. Danny smiled that same crooked smile and replied,
“Hi Carson.” Carson’s stomach did a flip. Jesus why did he still have that power over him?
Danny looked a bit older now, though it had only been 3 years since they’d seen each other last. He looked more mature, less shaggy and childish, but his eyes still had that youthful light Carson had always loved. Carson had done his best to stay away from all the usual spots he used to see Danny. He settled down in a new apartment complex, found a new coffee shop to make his regular hang out, and did his best to burn the past out of his mind. But he could never quite shake the memories of Danny Anderson, and he knew exactly why.
“Danny I-”
“Carson-”
The two men blushed, waiting to see who would speak first. In the end it was Danny who finally found the courage to start again. “I didn’t marry her.” he muttered sheepishly.
“Huh?” Carson was confused, honestly he had no clue what Danny was talking about.
“Lydia. I didn’t marry her Carson. After you left I realized a few things and I told her the truth.”
“Are you f'ing with me Danny Anderson?” Carson’s eyebrows shot up in the questioning look that Danny had always loved.
“No!” Danny laughed. “No for real! I told her, and I came out to my friends and they sort of- “ he paused and then chuckled again, “Well they said they all already knew I was gay actually.”
‘Well It took you long enough to realize it.” Carson giggled, lightly shoving him with his shoulder. “And what about Lydia? Im surprised she didn't rip your head off when she found out.”
“Nah actually, she had some news for me too that day. Truth is, she’d met someone in Paris, and I guess my whole I’m gay and in love with my best friend thing was sort of a relief to her.” Danny shrugged, seeming completely at ease with the news, although he had had 3 years to get over it. Carson, on the other hand, was astonished, but oddly ecstatic as well.
“ Well, I’m glad to hear everything worked out so well for you,” Carson smiled.
“Yeah, everything but the one thing I truly cared about,” Danny stared into Carson’s cerulean blue eyes once again. He seemed more confident in himself now, if that was even possible. He had let his guard down for Carson and he was so completely comfortable with doing so.
“Hey, lets not go into this just yet. The show is about to start.” Carson whispered as he felt the heat rush to his cheeks. He wasn’t feeling quite as confident as Danny obviously was.
“Alright, but only if you agree to coffee with me at our usual spot after this whole thing is finished?”
Carson quickly shook his head yes at the offer.
“Promise?” Danny asked, shooting him that crooked smile that would surely be the death of Carson,
Carson smiled brightly in response, “Promise.”