“Everyone here hates me. I get it.” Jae spoke into the microphone softly and carefully. “Maybe one day when when all of this really starts to hit me I’ll hate me too.” he gives a half hearted chuckle.
You could say Jaebum Choi was underdressed for a funeral, in a black hoodie and some jeans he was receiving so many dirty looks he was sure he was going to have to take a shower first thing when he gets home to get the itchy feeling out from under his skin. He wasn’t meant to be here at all actually.
It has now been two weeks, three days, four hours, and thirty minutes and, Jae’s chest still hurts. This is the first time he’s left his apartment in weeks and he’s sure he smells absolutely foul. He hasn’t showered or eaten more than cup noodles since it happened. He’s not sure if everybody’s ignoring him or just giving him space at this point because he’s so stubborn but he doesn’t really care either way.
“I’m not religious.” He states. His heart was pounding in his ears and his breathing was uneven. “It’s never really been for me, but…” He takes a deep breath. “If there is a heaven and, if there is anybody that really deserves to go to heaven, Eric is there. I know he believed. A lot of times, especially right now, I really wish I could too I’m sure that would make this all a whole lot easier.”
A tear falls down the woman’s face and Jaebum looks down and sniffles a little before continuing with a soft laugh.
“I loved him, you know? He saw something in me, for whatever reason I still can’t fathom, that nobody else ever did. He was the best thing that’s ever happened to me. He was all I had and I’m just a loser with no job. Goddamn he saved my life and...” he paused for a second looking out at the crowd. “None of you care though, huh? I’m still that kid that turned him gay right? I could be here all day spouting off about my sob story to you but not one single person here cares just like how you never really cared about him because I can assure you if you did he would be alive.”
He could feel the looks of disgust from the elders in the crowd on his head without even looking up to see them. He smiles as he looks up again.
“He loved me.” He looks up at the cloudless sky and bitterly he thinks the weather is mocking him.  “He hated every single one of you.”
He stood in silence on the stage for what felt like forever but more realistically was just a few seconds staring off into the group of people. He does a small bow and walks off the stage, the first of many tears streaming down his face.
The trip back to his apartment was a blur of the subway and dirty looks from strangers for bumping into them tears falling from his face the whole time. He punches in the code for his door and walks in flipping the lights on for the first time trudging to his bedroom.
He crawls under his bed fishing his phone out from where it slid when he threw it across the room pressing the power button causing it to immediately start vibrating with all the missed calls and texts from the last few weeks. It’s all a blur of “I’m sorry for your loss,” and “He wouldn’t want us moping around,” from people pretending to care about his world falling apart to make themselves feel like they aren’t completely heartless. Maybe Jae was just a pessimist that’s what Eric always said.
Under all of these he sees the one voicemail he had been looking for.
One missed call and voicemail from ‘The coolest kid u know’
Jae smiles at the name Eric had put for himself in his phone before tapping on it and pressing the phone against his ear with a shaky sigh.
“I know you’re sleeping right now of course it’s one in the afternoon you aren’t awake yet.” Jae goes stiff at the voice pouring through the speaker his heart pounding in his ears his breath catching in his throat. “I’ll be there in a few hours and you’re going to be amazing and buy me food when I get there right?Did you remember to turn in those applications? “I’m your boyfriend not your babysitter” yeah yeah I know but that isn’t going to stop me from bugging you about it until you do it. Love you loser!”  You can hear some rustling on the other line before it cuts off. Jaebum listened to that message a total of 34 times before his phone died.
Jae stares down at the device in his hand for a moment before letting it slip out and fall onto the bed. He lets out a deep sigh before going into his living room and looking at the piece of paper still on his coffee table picking it up and looking at the words Eric ended up printing out for him because Jae’s handwriting was “disgusting” in Eric’s words.
He folds the paper up and stuffs it into his hoodie pocket and lets himself fall onto his couch. He stares at the ceiling for a minute wondering if Eric can really see him moping about like this. He can almost hear him saying “C’mon idiot if you make that face you’ll get wrinkles early.” and “You smell really gross please pay the water bill and take a shower.”
Maybe he was his babysitter after all because Jae is really a wreck. He looks around his living room at the clothes and various snack wrappers splayed about the floor of his apartment. With a sigh he gets up and cleans his apartment pausing every once in awhile to put Eric’s things into a box.
It was going to hurt really bad for a little bit. He was going to be okay though because that’s what Eric always told him and, as much as he used to hate to admit it, he was always right.