We

I’ve had a lot of time to think about us. Or actually, you and me. There isn’t an us anymore. There hasn’t been us for exactly one month, today. I decided to write all of this down, even though I’m never going to show it to you, because I have a lot that I need to figure out. I’ll start with the facts.

First, I’m still in love with you. I guess that’s an easy one huh? The not so easy part is why?. Second, this past month has been the s***tiest I’ve had in a long, long time. I don’t know how things have been for you, you seem fine, and that makes me happy, but I’ve been living inside a psychological hell. The day you dumped me, things happened to go south with my parents again as well. Only that time I didn’t have you to go to for comfort or advice. I just kept all the anger and sadness bottled up until it all came rushing out in one huge outburst towards my mom and now I have no support from her either. I learned a lot of things in this past month. I learned what it’s like to have full on depression. I learned how to keep my head up and not resort to self destructive actions even though they seemed like the only thing that would help. And I learned what I need to move on. 

I keep thinking back to what you said to me that night. You told me that you cried every night because you thought that your boyfriend didn’t love you anymore and you felt like you were being ignored. I said that I wasn’t ignoring you, I tried to explain that my schedule during One Act Play was going to be packed full and that after it was over I would have plenty of more time for you. You said that you couldn’t wait any longer. Two more weeks was far to much longer for you to wait. I thought that we were worth another two weeks… I told you that I was doing my very best, and that I was doing it all for you, I worked long hours to pay for our prom, to buy my car for us, to pay for our dates because I didn’t want you to have to worry. And you told me that it wasn’t good enough. That my best wasn’t good enough for you. And that hurt. It hurts so bad, all I was thinking about during that entire conversation was you and how I can help you and how I can fix us for you. And you took my self worth and tore it to shreds. And I felt so much guilt for what had happened. And I still love you. I still want to fix what I did wrong.

So how do I move on from this? After you told me this, you said that you still care about me and still want to be friends. How? How do you turn on a dime like that? How can you go from you aren’t good enough for me to I still care about you? I don’t know. I decided I’d give it time and still try to be your friend but then one day I realized something. When I saw you crying, when you were so upset after seeing that one play at District Competition… I realized that I won’t ever be able to just be your friend. I love you. Not that kind of friend, “I’m here for you.” love. But the “I will always be here for you.” kind of love. And I still see you every day. Every day I feel the “I will always be here for you” love. And I can’t take it.

I’ve had a long time to think, you’re the last thing I think about every night and the first thing I think about every morning. Perhaps thats why you’re still in every dream. I can’t be your friend.
For me to move on to this new chapter in my life, I need one of two things.

I need us back. We need to fix this together and not give up because things get hard. We need to keep strong just like we said we would, just like the first time you whispered in my ear “I love you.”.

Or, I need to cut you from my life entirely. I can’t move on when I’m still trying to be friends, because I can’t ever be friends. You may be entirely invested in the “I’m here for you.” friendship, but I will never be. I will never be, because I will still be desperately hanging on to the “I will always be here for you” because I still love you. Every time you smile or laugh, every time I smell your hair, every time I see that you are upset, every time you talk about how much you love french fries, every time you’re singing show tunes like there is no tomorrow, every time you are having a blast with little kids, every time you get discouraged or stressed, every time you get mad because you failed an APUSH test, every time you are you, I’ll hold onto that love, I'll hold onto us a little tighter.

I know you don’t want either of those things, but it is up to you how we grow from here on out.