“For those of you fellow Martians who have forgotten what Earth Man S21317 did yesterday, I shall recap his adventures. As he does every five in seven days, Earth Man went to a peculiar place considerably far away from where he dwells at night and brooded over numerous rectangular sheets- arranging them and moving them and giving them away and then receiving more. With a long, stick-looking object, he scratched at the paper, leaving distinct marks wherever the stick touched the sheet. This went on and on, taking up half of his day.

“Once he was done, Earth Man S21317 visited a smaller place not far from there and left with quite a load of small, green rectangular sheets. I wondered if he would give those away as well. I noticed as he went into his dwelling a shape on one of the white, vertical borders that separate the different quarters of his abode and took the liberty of writing down what was on it. It looked something like this:
Living my life-
Partying until dawn, no strings attached,
DOING WHAT I WANT, no one to worry about=
Complete and utter bliss

“Our Earth Language Translator (ELT) deciphered the phrase and I couldn’t agree more; I’m all for anything that makes people happy. The ELT also translated the numerous messages he sent to Earth Women through various ‘electronic’, as they call them, contraptions and I must say that is one of the kindest Earthlings I’ve ever monitored. He gave the ten of them flattering and caring compliments, noting their sparkling eyes or lush, long hair. He even promised them all, personally, that one day he would take them to Paris, which I guessed is a prestigious place, and shower them with expensive champagne and jewelry. They couldn’t be more thrilled. In the meantime, he bought them all flowers and ‘chocolate’, spending a whole night and sometimes day with each one of them. I was even more amazed when I saw him taking them out individually so that he could dedicate more of his caring attention to them, rather than make it easier on himself by taking all of them out together. Compared to the majority of Earth Men who are attached to only one Earth Woman at a time, I can say this man is really selfless, dedicating his affection to more than five women. They, however, don’t know about the other women he’s seeing, and I do wonder why he doesn’t introduce them to each other; surely, he would be even more appreciated once they see that he stretches his heart out not only to one woman, but to ten.

“Really, though, he seems to live by the words I saw in his dwelling. So far, he seems to do everything on there and I can’t help but be jealous of his ‘bliss’, as he calls it. His dwelling is beautifully furnished, he gets everything he desires with- as I later learned- the help of the small green sheets, he has the affection of ten different and beautiful women, and he is never alone or without something to do.

“There is only one sole difference I have been able to detect between him and the rest of the Earth Men I’ve been keeping watch over. Most of the time, when he lays down on his soft, rectangular box to rest on at night, it usually takes him a while to relax and close his eyes before experiencing the human phenomenon of ‘sleep’. However, there are certain times when he doesn’t close his eyes. No. Instead, he just stares ahead or at the white, flickering dots in the sky and it’s evident he’s deeply pondering something. These distinct times end the same way.

“Earth Man S21317 takes out a glossy, pocket-sized sheet which contains the image of a fair-skinned, brown-eyed, beautiful Earth Woman- S21307-, a worry-stricken look on her face, her eyes begging him not to dare leave her alone ever again. He stares at the image some more, runs his finger over her face, and takes out his ‘electronic’ contraption, pressing several ‘buttons’ until the screen shows another image of Earth Woman S21307. There is only one word there and a procession of digits which is probably her Code. His eyes are flickering and glossing over and look as if they’re willing the contraption to call her to him, reach her, have her…

“He hurls the device across the room, lets the image of the woman fall to the ground, and wills his eyes to close. Even though he pretends it’s not an issue and even though he doesn’t know I see it, it still happens… Just when I think he’s peacefully resting and no longer conscious, and I’m about to depart, his eyes begin leaking a clear liquid.

“I don’t know why his eyes fail him like this every now and then, and I’m sure he’s the only one that does, but our esteemed Psychological Interpretation of Earthlings Department (PIED) informed us that these symptoms are characteristic of only one ‘human’ condition known as love. Now, as hard as I try, I can’t possibly comprehend this human peculiarity as well; Lod knows there are already too many to count, much less remember. He said Earth Man S21317 leaked because he was unhappy and missed the woman in the image, but I immediately dismissed the crazy notion, telling him that Earth Man was in ‘complete and utter bliss’. I even showed him the words I’d seen in his dwelling as proof. The fellow PIED Martian just stared in disbelief at the words, muttering something along the lines of ‘why give him a heart and brain if the idiot’s not going to use them?!’, and stormed off to his department quarters.

“When I went to visit Earth Man today, however, he wasn’t there. In fact, he was nowhere to be found- not at his dwelling nor the place where he earns his small green sheets from nor anywhere else that I’d seen him. Instead, a procession of other Earth Men and Women who I hadn’t seen before entered his dwelling, all with profusely leaking eyes!

“They sorted through his belongings, choosing to keep some items while discarding the rest. Then I noticed one Earth Woman picking something up off the floor. It took me no more than a second to spot the unmistakable resemblance between the Earth Woman and the image of herself she was clutching. Before I knew it, she was on the ground, her eyes leaking so much I thought they’d outright melted. The PIED Martian tried explaining this to me as well and mentioned ‘love’ and ‘death’, but I never bothered to listen to the wrong version of the situation he had acquired.

“Earth Man S21317 had been happy. The words in his dwelling had said so. The numerous Earth Women he had been with and the plethora of green sheets he possessed proved it. Why would one Earth Woman be the difference between depression and bliss? What did she possess that no thing or no one did? The PIED Martian lost it and nearly screamed at me, ‘Love, love, you numskull! The one thing we’re not capable of having, of feeling, or of possessing! It’s sad enough that we’re deprived of this sensation but you know what’s truly disappointing? That those that do have it neglect it, ignore it, and literally without a second look back throw it away… all so that they could ‘live their life’. So now what? Now that he’s gone from that planet do you think he died happy? Do you think that pulling away from those women’s kisses, and trying to substitute money for love, and wanting to call her but convincing yourself you don’t ever deserve someone nearly as kind and beautiful and loving as her, and crying yourself to sleep but ignoring the tears so that you can still live a half-sane life… is happy? Is bliss?’

“You’ll be relieved to know that the next day this PIED Martian was sent to be analyzed and evaluated by the Overseers and was later terminated.”