Day 1: The Observation

“Yaargg, Come hither. I believe I’ve found something interesting.”
High above the earth’s atmosphere at about 8:24 at night, two miniscule stars followed the moon as it made it’s daily revolutions around the earth. Yaargg floated over to D’biffg and asked,

“What have you found D’Biffg?”

“Take a look towards that earth house.” D’biffg replied as he motioned his spherical body towards the home, which was about 1000 meters below them.

“Which one?”

“The one over yonder.”
Yaargg paused for a moment, waiting to see if D’Biffg would realize how vague he was being. After a few awkward seconds of dead space silence, Yaargg repeated,

“Which one?”

“The one on that large land mass.”

Yaargg sighed at the excessive amount of incompetence he was receiving today then asked, “You do realize that there’s more than one earth home on that mass of land.”

D’Biffg gave Yaargg a little nudge and said. “I’m talking about the interesting earth home.”

Completely fed up with D’Biffg’s steadily roundabout answers, Yaargg exasperatedly exclaimed,
“Why don’t you just point at it?”

“Are you retarded, Yaargg?” scoffed D’Biffd, “How am I supposed to point at it without hands, or arms? Did you forget that we were tiny floating orbs of glowing noxious gas? Stupid.”

“You could, at least, try to point a metaphorical finger towards the house.”
“Fine. If you’re gonna be such an earth female about it, I guess I’ll make metaphorical gestures so that your tiny metaphorical human brain will be able to process it.”
“Guess what I’m doing right now with my metaphorical middle finger.”

Yaargg rolled his metaphorical eyes and asked

“You’re a child, you know that? Keep insulting me and I’ll give you a metaphorical backhand!”

“Didn’t you have some house to show me?”

“As a matter of fact, I did. If you’ll direct your attention towards that extensive white mansion located in area BQ73Y88NTE24, you’re vision is immediately focused on what?”
Yaargg’s only response was a spiteful glare. Noticing this, and with complete earnestness asked,

“What’s the matter?’

“Really? You couldn’t have been that specific the first time I asked?”
“What is your vision immediately focused on!” D’Biffg histrionically interjected.
Yaargg metaphorically exhaled then finally answered, “I’d have to say that goth boy shooting up Orange Fanta and snorting crushed Sweetarts.”

“Exactly!” D’Biffg glimmered with bright neon flamingo pink, signifying an epiphany.
Yaargg’s usual white radiance became a weak pumpkin orange glow as confusion struck him.
“How does this have any relevance to anything?”

“He is the human embodiment of the Sacred Warrior.”

“How does shooting up Orange Fanta have anything to do with the Sacred Warrior?”

“Because he is Fearless!”

“Human viruses are also fearless. Are they also the Sacred Warrior?”

“That’s the stupidest idea I have ever heard Yaargg. Viruses, really? Go back to Alienian Elementary School.”

“As much as I don’t want to believe you, and I really don’t want to believe you, we haven’t been able to find any down-right abstract signs from any other life form in eons, so I guess we’ll have to follow your hunch.”

A tiny voice asked, “Is he the one?”
In unison, both Yaargg and D’Biffg replied, “We will find out soon, Golden Mistress.”

“Have you been able to mark any other sacred qualities off the list?” D’Biffg asked.

“No.” Yaargg replied, “But I will keep observing him and prove to you that he is the one.”

“Do you have any other information on him?”

“Yes. His name: Archie Smith. Age: fourteen. Height: 5 ‘2. Hobbies: roller blading, studying dark literature, hunting--”

Yaargg’s appearance blazed a fierce scarlet as pure irritation, built up after countless millennia of dead ends, suddenly erupted out of hiding and exploded in D’Biffg’s face, unawares, with an intensity that would’ve charred the largest space chicken.

“Screw it!” he screamed, “Let’s just run the Test to see if he’s the one.”

“But,” D’Biffg pointed out, “Those tests are fatal to human life forms.”
Yaargg metaphorically leered at D’Biffg with a searing intensity that would’ve caused even Chuck Norris to shield their eyes from its pure intimidation. Obviously, D’Biffg was and never will be as ludicrously awesome as that mighty man, seeing as how his glow completely and instantaneously escaped him before he shriveled into such a feeble figure that anyone watching would’ve told you that he had been obliterated on the spot. Finally Yaargg hissed with rage inconceivable,

“I don’t care!”
“Yes sir,” D’Biffg stammered. The sheer terror he was experiencing could only be compared to an atheist’s realization to the truth of the type of afterlife one with such an outlook would be faced with after death.

“In a matter of hours, we will have results. Prepare the anal probe!!"