Cole and I had grown up together. Since second grade, we were best friends - completely inseparable. Rumors flew around as we got older that we were dating, but we weren't. Honestly, I never would have risked it. Cole and I were too close. We knew everything about everything when it came to each other. I never would have risked that for a relationship. But, if I'm being honest again, we would have worked out. Really, we were perfect for each other. But I guess none of that matters now.
It was spring break 2011 - a late spring break falling near the end of April. Cole and I had been at my house still hanging out from the night before when his parents were fighting and my parents said it was okay if he stayed the night, not that they would be home to supervise anyway - they never were. It's not like it was the first time this had happened. Actually, it had become so common for him to stay over... At that point, I really couldn't remember the last time he had actually stayed home for more than two or three nights at a time. It was Tuesday, just a few days into break, and we were already bored with it. The way we saw it, at least school gave us both an escape from every day life and gave us a place to go. But, for a week, we wouldn't have that. We didn't know how to handle it.
At the time, I was living in Kingston, seemingly in the middle of everything, and Cole was living in Lake Katrine, just a few miles away from me. There was something we both loved about my house and its location. Something about how dangerous the city tended to be at times, how that danger always took place on the blocks surrounding my house but never had an effect on my home itself - it fascinated both of us. But, that day, it wasn't enough. We decided to leave the house, test our boundaries, test our inevitability. This was common for us to do, really. We both suffered from depression and sometimes we just really needed to get out of our minds for awhile.
We walked together as we took the long way, side by side, down the busy city streets and we talked about our surroundings until we got to the cemetery - a usual stop for us. There was something so beautiful about being surrounded by so many gravestones and reading their names, imagining how they died. Being here was how Cole and I both knew that we were both in the same bad place of mind. Usually one of us will object to walking through the creepy gates if we're feeling more positive than usual. But, that day, we just walked quietly until we got to the gravestone with our favorite story.
A few months before this, we had learned that the person who died hadn't had any family. He was an orphan, actually. His best friend bought the gravestone. She had been an orphan too. We found her here once and she told us the story of how they had been so close in the orphanage but Edward just couldn't take feeling so unwanted anymore. She recalled to us the day that one of the orphanage workers told her that Edward was gone, that he had hung himself in the boy's bathroom. As she told us the story, she cried and shook, clinging to Edward's stone because that was all she had left of him.
I remember Cole stopping at Edward's stone during our walk and I didn't think anything of it in that moment. We always stopped here, hoping Emily was okay and that maybe we would see her and be able to give her a hug. But that day, when Cole stopped, he quickly grabbed me and pulled me into his arms in the most intense hug I think I had ever received. When he slowly let me go, he held onto me until I saw his reasoning. As tears slid down my cheeks, he pulled me back into him and we cried together for a few moments in front of Edward's stone with Emily's now placed right next to it, dated two weeks ago from that day.
It was awhile before Cole let me go and we dried our eyes. As we continued our walk out of the cemetery and back through the city streets, we talked about Emily. Both us were filled with regret. Could we have done anything? Could we have saved her? And, of course, there were the more gruesome questions too. How did she do it? Who found her? Are her and Edward together now?
I remember stopping at the bottom of the hill we were walking down and turning to Cole. We weren't far from the bridge we had to cross at this point and I just had to stop and collect my thoughts. I had something to say to him, but I couldn't form the words. I couldn't. I was still in shock over Emily. But I knew I had to find the words. I knew Cole would understand.
"Honestly, I don't blame her.." My voice shook and more tears fell. I didn't even want to continue this. I really didn't. But, I was suddenly so afraid of everything, I just had to.
Cole looked at me questioningly as he wiped away my tears gently with his thumb. I took a deep breath as he did so and continued.
"Edward and Emily.. Their story wasn't much different from ours. I mean, switch a few details and we're living the same life they were. And, honestly, I don't blame her for taking her own life too. I can't. Because I know I would do the same. I could never live without you, Cole. You're all I have."
Cole looked at me with concern and heartbreak in his eyes, like he wanted to speak but he couldn't. Finally, he just kissed my cheek, took my hand in his, and willed me to keep walking. I should have known then that it was a lot worse than I thought it was, that he was a lot worse than he let me believe. I didn't think anything of it though. I just assumed his mind was still on Edward and Emily like mine was.
As we were crossing the bridge, Cole stopped me in the middle. He grabbed my hand as tight as he could and stared into my eyes, pleading silently with me. I didn't understand though. I almost wasn't sure I wanted to. Cole looked around at the empty bridge - blue paint pealing from every crevice. It was practically abandoned since the new one was built just a block or two from here. Clearly and calmly, he spoke.
"Jump with me."
My eyes widened. "What?"
"You heard me. Jump with me. We can be free. Nobody understands us here except each other. I can't do this much longer and you've been telling me you can't either. I'm not afraid to go if I go with you. Jump with me."
I watched Cole as he began to climb the railing of the bridge. The wind blew through his jet-black hair and ruffled through his gray t-shirt and ripped jeans. Nothing stopping him now except for his grip onto the railing, he looked invincible. Suddenly, his parents didn't matter, the bullies couldn't hurt him, the medication couldn't take a toll on him anymore, drugs couldn't call his name. It was just him and his wait for peace. I couldn't lie. I wanted it. I wanted that. I wanted what he had to be feeling, or lack there of, as he stood on that ledge.
Hesitantly, he looked back at me, looking afraid that I would choose to stay on the concrete walkway that connected to the lanes of the bridge. Slowly, I climbed up the railings and put both feet flat on the ledge. Together, we stood. Together, we looked down at the river underneath us. Together, we decided this was it. Without a word, I entangled my fingers with Cole's. And, together, we jumped.
I didn't watch as I rushed down toward the end. I didn't want to. Cole and I had agreed a long time ago that, if we ever jumped together, we would keep our eyes closed. And that's what I did. Suddenly, though, I wasn't holding Cole's hand anymore. Suddenly, I wasn't falling anymore. But there had been no splash, no pang of pain as I hit the water. That's what I opened my eyes. Just as I did, I saw Cole's body hit the water and disappear. Screaming, I looked around and realized I was back on the ledge. I tried to jump in again, tried to go after Cole so he wouldn't be alone, and I couldn't. It was like gravity was betraying me. I didn't understand. I had jumped. I had been falling with him. It didn't make sense. Cole was gone and I wasn't.
When I turned around, I saw Cole. He was with Emily and Edward, who I had only seen once in a photograph. None of them looked dead, but I knew they weren't human. I could almost see through their slightly transparent bodies, Cole's being the least transparent. I immediately tried to hug him, but I couldn't.
Emily sighed at me. "He can't control that yet, it's not his fault. Someday, if he tries hard enough, he'll learn how to physically connect with you still. But he's not strong enough right now."
Tears started falling down my cheek. "You mean.. You're all really gone?"
Emily nodded as Cole looked from her to Edward to me. "Why did she end up back on the ledge? She jumped with me."
Edward spoke then, to answer the question Cole had asked and I desperately wanted to know. "It wasn't her time yet. Cole, we're not even sure if it was your time yet. That will be decided in a moment when the ambulance gets you. You didn't land too far from shore. They'll find you quickly. Somebody that was down by the docks already called it in."
I looked at all of them, my heart filled with pain. "Is that why Cole is less transparent than you two?"
Emily looked at Edward then back to me, as if hoping she actually had the right answer to this and wouldn't disappoint him. "Cole hasn't been announced dead or not yet. For now, he's undeterminded. That's why he's less transparent. Edward and I have been dead and gone for awhile now, as you know. Our existence is now only remembered and cared for by you. Once you forget us, we'll be completely gone and invisible."
I didn't know what to say. I heard the sirens down below and I shook with worry. "I would never forget you."
"Then, in that case, we'll always be here."
"Cole, I'm so sorry. You know I tried to jump with you. I don't know what happened. I just.. I was back on the ledge and I tried again and -"
"Relax. It wasn't your time. And, like Emily said, we don't even know if it was my time yet. Meet us at the hospital, okay?"
I nodded and started sprinting to the hospital, dazed and confused. It was only two blocks away but it felt like I was sprinting ten miles. Pushing past people, dodging vehicles as I tried to get through traffic, it was a wonder I made it to the hospital alive. A wonder, a shame, I never really decided on which.
Bursting through the doors of the ER, I saw Emily, Edward, and Cole waiting for me. I guess the afterlife has a faster movement time than I do. I ran to them, panting for breath and begging for an answer. Nobody said a word to me. They let me see it myself. And, when I looked at Cole, I saw it.
He was less transparent than he had been before.
He was gone.