Trans-mat beams are the worst form of travel, ever. They are simply the worst. Invented as a new spontaneous way to travel in the year 589733, by Dr. Malfoousu of the planet Zaphle-Phrop 97, they were a failure from the start. Soon after their grand release, Malfoosu got so many complain letters and angry, furious mobs at his door that he was forced into hiding somewhere in the vicinity of the Exor galaxy. Not only are there side effects of dizziness, lethargy, nausea, headache, ulcers, limb loss, and mild death, they are also totally unreliable. They have a success ratio of 27383757458239720758347598278975986548375980247489758372050894758765987 to three. So not only do they have horrible side effects, you don’t even know if they will actually g you to your correct destination. – The Book of the Universe, page 49787898789-78674673-784366363636363636363636-pie-79949487, Chapter 284894758439757893749875893-3765656564746-french-fry, Tans-Mat Beams.

I should probably start with the parking lot. Mainly because that is where he first landed. It was the strangest thing, I was just walking out of my job when I saw the brightest light I have ever seen, and then he was just there. Lying face first on the pavement, he almost looked dead. I rushed over to him and crouched down. Not knowing what to do, I felt his neck for a pulse, but found none. I stood up and backed off, He’s dead, I thought. I stood there staring at him until he groaned and rolled over.

“Is this Ellexiom-4?” he asked. His face was screwed up with one eye closed. I couldn’t tell if that was how he looked or if he was just doing that.

“N-n-no,” I stammered, half out of fear and half out of shock.
“Stupid transmit beam, dumped me on the wrong planet again! What planet is this?” he inquired unscrewing his face and opening his eye.
“Earth,” I replied.
“Earth? Rubbish name for a planet. Doesn’t as cool as Tera-cifate-3 or Dupurham-57,” he said. He was the strangest man I had ever seen and/or heard. He spoke with a thick British accent and wore a completely ridiculous get-up. He wore a long trench coat, a purple dress shirt, a black suit, and a gray satchel bag that hung down to one side. But his hair was the thing I couldn’t get over the most, his hair was jumbled, sticking up, and other synonyms for messy.
“So, what is your name?” I inquired.
“Why who wants to know?” he asked with something that could almost be defined as fear in his voice as his eyes darted back and forth.
“Me,” I replied plain and simply.
“You seriously don’t know who I am?” he inquired with a shocked look on his face.
“Nope.”
“Really.”
“Yep.”
“Wow, you don’t get out much. I’m Jimalocolosudsasdfh Gratheredsedsveders Nopalla Daramanaham DCCLIII, writer, traveler, inventor, musician, and gastro-physicist. But most people do call me Jim.”
“Wait, back up, gastro-physicist? I think you astrophysicist?” I asked.
“Nope, gastro.” Jim paused. “Oh come on, Earthling, don’t tell me you’ve never heard of gastro-physiology, the thirty-seventh greatest science in the galaxy!” Jim exclaimed sounding flustered.
“Um, no. What is it?” I inquired.
“Well, it’s the study of gasses and farts and such and their effect in and on all living objects in the universe,” Jim informed me while cramming his hands in his pockets.
“Ok, when I first saw you, I checked for a pulse in your neck, but I didn’t find one,” I said.
“That’s because my pulse isn’t in my neck, it’s in my stomach,” Jim retorted while sticking his head out and holding his arms out as if to say, Lah Duh! Where have you been the last couple years?
“Well sorry, but why is it in your stomach?” I asked. Jim face-palmed and shouted, “Because I’m not from your world! Seriously! Why did I even have to tell you that? You couldn’t have just guessed that on your own!”
“Well sorry! You just look completely human.” I said agitated.
“Well I’m not, I’m from Zappafala-37,” Jim explained.
“Where’s that?” I asked. Jim looked at a small devise on his wrist and said,
“Long way from here, that’s for sure. And, since we’re talking and your planet is about to burn you should probably come with me,” Jim said, looking up from his watch-like device.
“My planet’s going to what?” I said shocked.
“You heard me. And this seems to be your only chance to live, take my hand,” Jim said with an outstretched hand. I took gingerly as Jim hit buttons on his wrist device. Once he had finished that, he stuck his arm in the air and we practically flew into the void of space.
Slyflords are one of the most unpleasant races in the galaxy. Not only evil, but grumpy, mischievous, stupid, con artists who burn things when they are in a bad mood. Originally from the planet Slyflordious-713, they were con-artists from the start. One day they got so fed up of just sitting around cheating people they decided to burn everything on their home world. Now, they simply fly around the universe looking for more people to cheat or burn. And if they show up at your doorstep, hope they’re in a mood for cheating. - The Book of the Universe page 748495720489784-4758748653-paper-shredder-34672348246738, chapter 67585922-apple-9 Slyflords
I woke up staring at a dingy dirty ceiling. I blinked twice and rolled over and said, “Ow, my stomach is killing me.” It was true; my stomach felt like it was it trying digest itself and failing horribly.

“It’s just the Trans-Mat. You’ll be fine after about ten, maybe, fifteen minutes,” Jim said who appeared to be just fine. He was standing on top of some metal cargo crates. He was holding the device on his wrist up above his head. Kind of like when you’re trying to get a signal on a cell phone. “Dang it!” Jim exclaimed. “We accidentally landed on of the Slyflord spaceships! And I can’t get a transmission to my spaceship!”

“Is that bad?” I asked.

“No, not if the Slyflords are in a bargaining, more like cheating, mood. And not in the mood for burning stuff,” Jim replied nervously.

“Okay, what’s a Slyflord?” I asked Jim.

“Don’t ask me, ask this!” Jim said as he threw m something that looked like an Ipad mini. I caught it and said,
“What is this?” I questioned.
“The Book,” Jim said.
“What book?”
“Wow you really have been raised in the dark, Earthling. It’s the Book of the Universe. Named not only because it’s about the, universe but because it is just as vast, complicated, and ridiculous as the universe itself!” Jim said gleefully. Jumping off his crate he continued, “Inside is close to almost everything any intergalactic traveler needs to know about everything in the universe. It’s written by thousands of millions of billions of authors from all across the void of space. Isn’t that just unbelievable!”
“Yeah, I guess,” I said. I felt dizzy from Jim’s speech. A book about everything! It was almost as ridiculous as Jim himself. I touched the screen and it lit up and played a small fanfare.
“Welcome to the Book of the Universe! We are not really all that glad you’re listening, but we’re going to say it anyways. Thank you for listening. Please select a subject.” The Book told me.
“Information on Slyflords,” I instructed the Book. The Book automatically went to the section entitled Slyflords. I read the section over. “Uh oh,” I said, “Really hope that they are in a cheating mood.”
“You and me both, um, er. Oh, what was your name? Can’t believe I haven’t asked,” Jim asked.
“Thomas Johnson,” I told Jim.
“Funny, Tom and Jim. The ultimate dynamic duo,” Jim remarked. His wrist device dinged. “We are in business now!” Jim shouted. Then he held down a button on the device and said, “Jim to Computer. Repeat, Jim to computer.”
Then a strangely perky male voice was emitted from a speaker grill on Jim’s wrist device. It said, “Hey, hey, hey! What’s shakin’, Captain!”
Jim responded, quite flustered, “Computer, how many times do I have to tell you? DO NOT CALL ME CAPTAIN!”
“Well, there’s no reason to be rude about it,” the computer said with more of a sad tone.
“Look, just put Steven on,” Jim commanded. Thirty seconds later I heard another voice, who I figured was Steven. Steven’s voice was also British, but quite normal sounding.
“Hello, what now Jim? Because I would just be so thrilled to get you out of another jam you’ve somehow managed to get yourself into, again” Steven snarked sarcastically.
“Well, for starters, I could really go without the sarcasm. Second, I need a teleport to the ship,” Jim replied.
“I can do the first one, but the second, not so much,” Steven told Jim.
“Why not?” Jim asked
“You’re out of the teleport range.”
“Ah, and Trans-mats are too unreliable.”
“I can try and triangulate you’re position and bring the ship to you, so be ready,”
“Got it,” Jim said and broke connection. “Alright, let’s get this door open and we can see what’s outside.” I nodded in agreement, and then we went to the door.
Flamethrowers are quite useful weapons. They are very useful for getting out of jams, fighting off the dangerous street gangs of Snaplesfjors-67, regular warfare, and barbequing. Invented by Dr. professor Ganagesrfadtedther of the planet Brablesnook-85 in the universe year 7489562874238-2787587485- 6483619. It was a great day for the entire universe. We finally had a dangerous, unsafe way of barbequing. We could also run around burning stuff all willy-nilly and would have fun doing it. - The Book of the Universe, page 364734678246782363389173486832374-364723648762873467282- grappling-hook-37476278468732, chapter 77639294563- microwave-56575



We searched around until I found a small panel with a several buttons on it. I pushed the largest with my thumb and the door screeched and creaked as it slid up into the ceiling. “Well, that could have been louder,” Jim remarked. We walked down a series of hallways and corridors until we came across a window. Then I saw the most horrifying thing ever. A huge beam was being emitted from the ship and slowly singing the Earth to ash and dust. I looked at Jim with a distressed look on my face.
“This can’t be happening! Tell me this isn’t happening!” I shouted.
“I wish I could. I wish I could,” Jim echoed putting a hand on my shoulder. Jim tugged me along through the spaceship. Soon enough I was nose to nose with a Slyflord. I jumped back as the alien began to speak.
“How’d you get on board?” the Slyflord asked. “Never mind, we’ll just burn you. We are in a burning mood right now.”

The two other Slyflords that accompanied the first Slyflord seized their flamethrowers from their waist. They powered them up, but then I had a moment of realization. I was all that remained of the human race, and I refused to be killed. I got a burst of adrenaline and grabbed one of the Slyflord’s flamethrowers. I wrestled it out of the alien’s hands and burnt the Slyflords to a crisp. I motioned for Jim to pick up the other flamethrower. He was hesitant at first, but he eventually picked it up.
“Do you even know how to use one of those?” I asked sincerely worried.
“Well, I think. I might, possibly have an idea how to. Maybe, possibly. Nope not a clue, really,” Jim mumbled.
“Just point at a Slyford and pull the trigger,” I instructed. We raced down the hall until we accidentally ran into more Slyflords.
The Slyflord started, “Who are you? Not that we really care or anything, we just…” He was cut off by Jim, who was screaming as he accidentally pulled the trigger. He was spraying fire in every direction, up, down, and all around! I ducked behind a wall until his infernal onslaught was over. I emerged to see Jim perfectly fine, but every single Slyflord was burnt extra-crispy.
“Wow! Nice work!” I congratulated Jim. He turned to me with a confident smirk and said,
“It’s all in the wrist.” He flopped his hand back and forth to add emphasis. Then his wrist device dinged and Jim said, “Steven?”
“Yup, it’s me, the mighty hero to save the day. I’ve got the ship near but if you would hurry up and teleport on board that would be stupendous. The Slyflords are in more of a burning mood today,” Steven replied.
“You got it!” Jim exclaimed. He then hastily hit buttons on his wrist device. He told me to hang on to him and then he hit the final button. There was a sound like lightning and we were standing in the middle of a huge white-walled room. On one side he was a huge computer console with a robot standing there.
“Took you long enough,” the robot said. He sounded just like Steven. Then it hit me, he was Steven!
“Good to see you too, Steve. By the way, this is Thomas. A bit useless at times, but that’s Earthlings for you,” Jim introduced me. They then began hitting buttons and pulling levers on the huge computer console. I noticed out of the main widow that we were moving through space, and finally escaping the Slyflords. We then made a big lurch, leaving them in the dust. This was the star of a new adventure. Jim the Gastro-physicist, Steven the robot, and Thomas the last child of Earth, soaring though space, into the great unknown.