The sun beats down on my shoulders as I write. My hand is cramping and I’m at a loss for words, but I need people to know. They need to know what it took to get here. Someday when kids read about history, maybe they will read my journal and know just how destructive the plague was.
?
A terrible disease hit several months ago. It attacked the nervous system and made people lose control of themselves. People ran around in the street and cried hysterically. Seconds later, they would be lost in fits of laughter. I remember being home when the plague first spread. I saw something on the news about a man in California who went crazy for no reason and murdered his entire family. I assumed it was just another freak case, but then more strange cases of mental hysteria broke out. People jumped off bridges and ran in front of cars. They would laugh or cry all the time and couldn't control their movement. People with this mental condition usually committed suicide. These strange cases remained in California for a month but then a case sprung up in Chicago. Days later, Chicago was uncontrollable with the "crazy" people. Authorities were so confused and doctors were utterly stumped. They couldn't keep patients sane long enough to test them and dead patients were of little use. I never found out what the cause was or how it spread, but I will never forget the day it seeped into Hartford, Connecticut.
I cooked a big, fancy dinner and was ready to tell my husband, Allen, my huge news. I paced back and forth across the porch waiting for his yellow truck to appear. At last, I saw him driving down the street and a smile stretched over my face. He pulled into the driveway and I noticed that he was sobbing. Allen always put on the masculine, no tears façade so this terrified me. I stepped toward the car, but he screamed for me to stay away from him. He told me that he was sick. He couldn't focus on anything or stop moving. He doubted there was an escape because nobody had recovered. All of a sudden, he started punching the inside of the car door. I stood, planted in the driveway, not knowing what to do. I couldn’t stand to watch my lovely husband be compromised by this beast, but I also couldn’t take my eyes off of him. He slowly stopped and looked at me, his eyes wild and searching. I called his name, but he just told me to stay away. He commanded me to lock him in the truck so that he couldn’t hurt anyone and to take the other car to New York. Apparently the “clean” people were supposed to commune there. His lips started to move and he just mumbled and cried. Allen started to scream and hit his head on the steering wheel. I started screaming his name as the tears poured down my cheeks. His eyes looked wild and his face was twitching. I stood horrified and blurted out that I was pregnant. For a moment his eyes were quiet and calm. His face was beautiful and still. His lips slowly moved into a little "o." I will never forget the last words he said to me; his last sane moment before that ugly, that despicable, that horrible disease took my love. With complete mental sanity, he whispered, "Oh baby that's wonderful. I always knew you would be a fabulous mother. You are so beautiful and I desperately want to kiss you right now. I am sorry. I am sorry that I can't be there for you and I'm sorry that you have to see me this way. Don't remember me like this babe. I love you Dex." Then he turned on the car and pulled out of the driveway. He drove down the street and I don't know where he went. I don't know how or if he died, but I can only assume that he died a miserable, undeserving death if he did.
I stood on the porch for what seemed like hours, processing everything that had happened. Eventually, I ran in the house and grabbed every memory I had left of him. I stuffed my little car with photo albums, clothes, and survival gear. My first stop was the grocery store where I grabbed abortion pills and prenatal vitamins, unsure of my baby's fate. After that, I hit the road and headed toward New York.
Right before the sun disappeared, I parked my car at a secret trailhead. I backpacked for miles until I found a tiny stream. I set up a tent, with the intent of staying for a while. Allen and I were experienced in backpacking and survival. I taught first aid and survival technique at the community center. My eyes welled with tears as I pitched the tent. This was where Allen proposed to me a year and a half ago.
For months, I managed to live off of the land. I never dared go into town in order to avoid the sickness, but as my belly grew bigger and the air grew colder, I knew I needed to find a more stable dwelling. I hiked to my car and headed to the nearest city. The first sight of civilization made me throw up. Nothing was alive. Buildings had been burned down and damaged cars littered the road. What put me over the edge, were the corpses scattered across the broken pavement. Blood puddles stained the frozen concrete and a draft brought the putrid scent of decay into my nostrils. I plugged my nose and drove on. A fancy gated neighborhood sat unscathed on the outskirts of town. I cautiously crept up the walk and rang the doorbell of the biggest home on the block. As expected, no one was home. Trying the knob, I discovered the door to be unlocked and entered. The Victorian style house was in pristine condition- only dust detracted from the clean demeanor of the house. I located the kitchen and luckily the cabinets were well stocked. I stuffed as much food in my face as I could. Then I unpacked in the living room and explored. The first sight of the bathroom mirror made me gasp. A much too skinny girl stood before me with long knotted blonde hair and tired blue eyes. My belly looked like a beach ball, but very out of place on my skinny frame. I had forgotten how mesmerizing the mirror could be as I stood there admiring myself. I jumped into the shower, praying that it would work. With a stroke of luck, the tap started and I let the hot water drip over my shoulders for nearly an hour. After scrubbing my skin raw, I dried myself with a soft, plush towel. I gave myself the spa treatment I deserved, starting from my toes and working to my hair. I hacked off nearly a foot of tangled dreads, so that my dirty blonde curls rested on my shoulders. For the first time in months, I was clean and felt a good night of sleep approaching.
Loud bustling downstairs woke me up. The sun hinted that it was late morning. I carefully slipped out of bed to investigate. From upstairs I heard people talking.
"Dallas! What did I tell you? This will be perfect to stay in. I call the couch! Do you think the television works? Oh my gosh you're going to freak! They have all eight Harry Potter movies!"
"Tara what did I tell you? We can't stay! We need to make it to New York!"
"Come on Dal! A week won't hurt! The people will still be there!"
"Will they Tar? We saw every person in the city go crazy and now we might be the only ones left! I can't make myself believe anything these days."
I began to creep down the stairs but the bottom one creaked when I put my weight on it.
"Dal! Did you hear that?"
"You're imagining things. There aren’t any people in town. We haven't seen a single living person in months."
"I know what I heard! I'm going to look."
I held my breath and tried to run back upstairs but she came around the corner right as I hit the top step.
Tara screamed and Dallas hurried to join her.
"Don't hurt me!" I said, my voice cracking from its lack of use.
"You... You are... Alive." Dallas stuttered. "How?"
"The same way you are I suppose." I turned to face them and Tara gasped.
"A baby? Oh good Lord! I can’t believe this!”
Tara looked up at me with big, round, hazel eyes. Her hair was smooth and in a short, pixie cut. She could have been a model in a better world. Like her, Dallas had dark brown skin and big brown eyes, but had that pruney look of someone who had lost a ton of weight in much too short a time.
"Tell her Dal!" Tara squealed, buzzing with enthusiasm.
"Sure. Right before everyone died, a radio signal went out saying that all survivors should head to New York. We've come up from Miami."
"Do you think there really are survivors?" I asked, concealing my excitement.
"I do! I was starting to lose faith, but now that I see you, I think there is a chance of more living people." Tara stated.
"Ok your turn! Come, let's sit! You need rest! I'm sure you're exhausted! When my sister was pregnant, she was always tired and that was back when things were normal! I've always dreamed of having a baby! Does it feel weird having a person in you?"
I laughed at her babble! She couldn't be older than 18 and she was so bubbly. Dallas looked older than her by a few years. He turned to her and sighed.
"She's a dreamer."
"Someone has to be, Mr. Serious! So, what's your name?"
"Dex."
"Dex? Cool! I've never met a Dex before! How old are you?"
"I'm 27 or 28. My birthday is in January. What's the date?"
"February 13." Dallas said, glancing at his watch.
I gulped and forced the tears away. Almost Valentine's Day.
"Dex to Earth. Dex to Earth," Tara commanded with a puzzled look. Her face suddenly dropped. "Oh no! I'm sorry! Your husband right? Valentine's Day? You poor thing! Just let it out! I cry in front of Dallas all the time. He's immune to female emotion by now."
Rather than cry, I laughed. Tara is a sweetheart. I can’t fathom how she managed to stay so optimistic. I thought about the last time I had laughed. I think it was after the doctor told me I was pregnant- the same day my world was shattered and the love of my life left.
"So," I sighed. "How do you two know each other?"
A wide grin stole Tara's brief serious nature. "Well, I'm a senior in high school. I mean was. I was the president in student government and was going to college for politics. Dallas and I met at a college orientation. We became friends over time and then started dating about a day before this mess broke out. For some reason we weren't affected by this plague even though we were in the city."
"A lot of people weren't," Dallas interjected. "Many people remained sane, but the crazy people either killed them or they fled. Our main goal is to get to New York. Hopefully lots of people are there."
“When can we leave?” I asked. This was the most excited I had felt since the pregnancy announcement.
“Now!” Tara exclaimed. “C’mon let’s pack up!” I began to stand, but Tara frantically nodded her head. “No! You are going to sit here and eat the breakfast Dal and I made while we pack up! You need your rest!” I couldn’t argue with her so I just sat down and ate canned peaches and stale cornbread, while they worked. I think Tara would make a fabulous politician.
Once the last bag was in the truck, we jumped in and headed toward New York City. We had to drive on the side of the road because cars were piled for miles along the highway. About three miles from the city, I saw a blur of yellow as we drove by.
“Stop!” I screamed. Dallas slammed on the brake. “Please tell me you aren’t going into labor!”
Without a word I jumped out of the car and hobbled toward a dented, yellow Ford on the street. 498-YVG. Allen. Tears rolled down my cheeks for what felt like the millionth time this week. I slowly walked around to the driver’s side window, but the seat was empty. In the seat rested a yellow envelope with “Dex” written in bold, black letters. I carefully peeled the envelope away and set the letter on the seat, treating it like a wounded hummingbird. His neat handwriting filled the page.
My beautiful baby girl,
I first laid eyes on you on June 12th, 2014. You were on the beach playing volleyball in cutoffs and a tight blue tank top. Your long, curly hair bounced with each point you scored and your laugh was contagious. I saw you and knew that you were the crown jewel out there. I never imagined that you would end up being single, much less that I would be able to marry such a perfect princess. I don’t think you saw me that day, but I watched you play, mesmerized by your glowing spirit and gorgeous body. (I am a man, you know)The first time we talked was exactly one week later. You were at Jason Mildred’s beach party. I went because I knew you were good friends with his girlfriend. I never actually liked Jason. I saw you having drinks with some girls and I tried to wait for you to be alone, but of course you were too popular to be alone. At last, right before the party ended, you were standing alone on the beach almost as if you were waiting for someone. (I always liked to think it was me.) I walked out and tried to strike conversation. I’m not very smooth, so it was awkward, but it was one of the most incredible moments of my life. The most incredible day of my life, as you know, was February 14th. I saw you walking down the aisle in your father’s arm and nearly cried. You looked like an angel and it struck me then that God had blessed me with you and I could protect and love you forever. I see now that I won’t be able to. I can’t escape this, but in my sane moments I write to you and think of you. It reminds me how perfect my life is. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I wish I could spend the third greatest day of my life with you- the day that you bring our beautiful son or daughter into this world. You will be such a wonderful mother and I hope that our baby turns out just like you. I hope it’s a baby girl, with flowing blonde curls and big, blue eyes. I wish I could see her take her first steps or hear her first word. I wish that I could feed her and hold her. I say “she” because God gave me a vision of a little, blonde haired girl playing on the beach with you. You called her Carina, meaning “pure.”
Oh sweetheart, I miss you so much right now. I’m going to walk up the road and try to make it since the cars are backed up, but I doubt I’ll live. Just know that I love you and I’ll never leave you. Shine on my beautiful ray of light.
Forever yours,
A
I slowly tucked the letter into the envelope and clutched it to my heart. I felt something hard in the envelope and peeked in. His wedding ring sat at the bottom. I gently pulled it out and examined it. I squeezed the ring in my fist until my knuckles turned white. The tears were unstoppable by now. My heart ached in my chest and my cheeks burned with anger. How could God do this? How could he take my husband’s brain, twist it in knots, and then give him a vision of his daughter? I just stood there and screamed. I screamed until my voice ran out and then I just crumpled on the ground and sobbed. Eventually Tara and Dallas came over looking extremely worried. They were probably still concerned that I was in labor.
“Hey Dex,” Tara prodded, “I assume this car has some importance to you. If you just scoot out of the way, Dallas will move it, so we can take it with us. He’s a good driver. I promise that he won’t hit anything or mess with anything inside.”
I looked up at her and saw how truly beautiful she was. She had tears in her eyes and offered me her hand. “I know that no amount of apologizing will bring him back, but we can at least take his truck.” I just nodded. “What was his name?” she quietly asked after a moment.
“Allen,” I mumbled. “Allen Troy Benning.”
“That’s lovely,” she took my hand and we slowly walked to Dallas’ truck. I watched him maneuver the truck through tight spaces until it was right next to us.
“I’ll take this one. Tara, follow me and you drive my truck. I’m sorry Dex. I know it means nothing, but I really am sorry. I can’t even imagine…” His voice cracked and he stared at Tara, before turning away.
We hopped into the truck and by then I was numb. I ran out of tears and just stared out the window as we drove in silence. I tried to see if I could find him but for some reason there weren’t any bodies. Maybe he made it! We pulled into the city and wandered through the streets until we came to a big gate. A man jumped down and smiled.
“More survivors!” He shouted jovially. A few people came out from behind the gate to greet us. Tara ran up to the man and gave him a giant hug. I heard her quietly ask the man about an Allen Troy Benning, but he nodded his head, no. I looked down. My last hope was shattered.
“Are you alright ma’am?” The man gently asked, “Come with me, honey. We’ll take you to the doctor.”
Tara and Dallas followed me to the medical center. As soon as I laid down, I fell asleep with the envelope still clutched to my heart.
?
Six Years Later
The sun burns my shoulders and a warm, salty breeze caresses my face as I write. I look out to the sea to take a break from my journal. I’ve finally decided to record my experience so that people will know what happened. The pain isn’t gone. It never will go away, but I’ve learned to live with it. I just write about all of my memories with Allen. I’ve written about all about what led me to this moment. We decided to move back to the ocean. The population has grown significantly so people have spread out, but are only allowed to stay in states that border New York. I moved to New Jersey because Connecticut was full of too many painful memories. The rest of the world was hit with the plague too. Each country has managed to form small communities and is slowly building humanity back up. There are about sixty people living in this city with me. I see Tara and Dallas a lot. They live several miles up the street. They got married about a year after we found people. They even have a little boy named Ben now.
“Mama?”
Carina taps my shoulder a few times, interrupting my train of thought. “Yes, baby?” I look into her dark blue eyes. Her curly blonde hair is in high, little pigtails.
“Look!” She holds out her precious little hand. A big, ugly oyster sits on her miniature palm.
“Open it!”
She pries the shell open and a tiny little pearl falls into the sand.
Carina squeals with delight and picks up the glimmering pearl.
“Your daddy loved pearls. I wore some on our wedding day. Someday, when you meet your prince charming, I’ll give you those pearls and you can wear them on your wedding day.”
“Mama, what was daddy like?”
I swallow the rock in my throat. “Well your daddy was very tall, kinda like you!” I poke her little, button nose. “He had short brown hair and blue eyes. His favorite food was spaghetti and he adored the color yellow.”
“Like our truck?”
“Just like.”
She suddenly runs back down to the beach, right next to the ocean. The water splashes over her toes. She laughs and her smile mimics Allen’s. I look at her and see pure beauty. I will always love my little girl and I will never forget how she came into this world, but it’s also time to move forward.