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Revenge Of the Blondes
[Addison and Piper, two of the blondes, sitting on a bench Up-Center. Lights Up Enter Riley and Taylor, two brunettes, stage right]
Riley (To Taylor)
Hey Taylor, How do you drown a blond?
Taylor
Tape a mirror to the bottom of the pool! I heard that one before, it’s hilarious! Hey Riley, How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
Riley
I don’t know, how many?
Taylor
4; one to hold the light bulb, 2 to spin the ladder, and one to cry “Daddy!”
Riley
Nice!!
[Taylor and Riley Exit]
Addison
I’m insulted! Joke after Joke! They’re always making us feel so inferior!
Piper (looking in a compact)
C’mon Addison, you know they’re just jealous of our natural hair color.
Addison
Yea…but we should still do something about it! (Stands up) Let’s take a stand for blondes everywhere!
Piper
Can’t we just get our hair done?
Addison
No.
Piper
Nails?
Addison
NO! We need to hold and intervention! What part of ‘take a stand’ don’t you understand?
Piper
Hey, stand and understand rhyme!
Addison
No. you can’t rhyme stand with itself.
Piper (stands up)
Yes you can! –and, -and, They have the same ending!
Addison (sarcastically)
Yes and they same beginning. They rhyme. Can we just come up with a plan already?
Piper
But the mall…!
Addison (Grabbing Piper and pulling her off SR)
Not now Piper!
[Blackout]
[Todd and Margot are onstage. Lights Up Addison drags Piper onstage]
Addison
(Walking on) Hey guys, listen up! We need to take a stand! End blond Jokes!
Margot (reading)
I’m tired of all the jokes, being picked on and— (stands up)
Todd (playing a video game)
I say we make brunette jokes! (stands up)
Piper
Why does it matter? Life’s better blond anyway.
Addison
Yes that’s our slogan! That’s our catch phrase, our chant, our poster message, our…
(All look at Addison like she’s nuts)
Margot & Todd
Moving on!
Piper
Like Toyota “Moving you forward”!
Todd (under his breath)
Especially when their breaks don’t work.
(The girls next to him laugh while Addison rolls her eyes)
Addison
All in favor of the slogan “Life’s better blond”?
All
AYE!
[Blackout]
[Brunette intervention, same set up of chairs for 4 brunettes: Taylor (The lead brunette), Riley, Lindsey and Mark ]
Taylor
Hey guys, listen to this! According to Addison’s last tweet, (reads) “Blondes are taking a stand! Do you understand? And no Piper that does not rhyme.”
Lindsey (aside to Riley)
Wow, Riley, don’t you think Piper can be so…
Riley
Blond?
(Lindsey laughs and high fives Riley)
Mark (intrigued)
That’s a bit harsh, girls. What are they protesting, anyway?
Taylor
I also checked her Facebook, it says Blond jokes.
Mark
How do they expect to do that?
Riley
Hopefully not by IQ tests.
Lindsey
Ha! That’s a good one Riley! What else did they say, Taylor?
Taylor
Well Todd‘s status is “Life’s better blond” and Margot texted me “War. 3:00 today. Bring brunettes. And leave the jokes” (pauses) ...Why is Piper’s status “I still want my mani-pedi”?
(brief pause)
Mark
(shrugs it off) I dunno. But guys, why don’t blondes get coffee breaks?
All – Mark
It takes too long to retrain them!
Riley
They want war, we’ll give them war.
Lindsey
Brunettes know best!
Taylor
We’ll knock what little intelligence they have right out of them!
Riley (Chanting)
Brunettes know best!
All (joining in)
Brunettes know best! Brunettes know best! Ext…
[Blackout]
[Addison, Piper, and Margot making signs. Lights up]
Addison
Those brunettes don’t even know what’s coming to them!
Margot
They think they’re so smart. We’ll see how smart they are when they go blond!
Addison (confused)
People don’t go blond, they go grey.
Margot (holding up empty milk carton labeled ‘Bleach’)
That’s what you think!
Piper
Isn’t that pronounced Bl-ech?
Addison
No, it’s not. It’s pronounced bleach.
Todd (entering)
Hey girls, how’s this? (Holds up sign reading “Life’s better blonde”)
Addison
Perfect!
Todd
How come you have bleach?
Margot
To dye their hair.
Todd (after a beat)
Cool.
Addison (stands up)
A few more minutes everyone! Get ready!
Margot (stands up)
This battle’s gonna be EPIC!
Piper (Margot pulls her up during this line)
I still just want to get my hair and nails done.
Addison/Margot
Later Piper, come on guys lets go! Life is better blonde!
All (minus Piper)
Life’s better blonde! Ext…
[Blackout]
[Riley with her phone, Lindsey and Mark painting a sign, Lights up]
Riley (looking at website on phone)
Man these are gold!
Lindsey (painting a sign)
Mind helping us instead of playing with your phone?!
Riley
I am helping! These will take down those blondes for good!
Taylor (entering with paints)
What are you guys up to?
Riley
Aren’t these great! Look, Taylor! Look!
Taylor (gives paint to Mark)
Mark
Thanks Taylor.
Taylor
Um, brunette is spelled wrong
Mark
Crap! (fixes sign) Ok, All better!
Taylor
Its still wrong
Mark
Gosh miss spellcheck, just let it go!
Riley
Taylor! Come here!!
Taylor
Um, Ok Mark. What is it Riley? (Reads the phone. Laughing) these are great! (Suddenly taken aback) oh…that’s a little bit too…
Riley
Perfect? I know! That’s my favorite. (Takes paper from stack, begins writing something)
Mark
I can’t wait to see the look on their faces when they see us! (Holds up sign with slogan “Brunettes know best”)
Lindsey
If they can even understand us!
Mark
Any more status updates from them?
Taylor
Lemme check…oh yeah here’s one. From Piper “Ew…this bl-ech smells bad”
Lindsey (after a pause)
Does she mean Bleach?
Taylor
who knows?
Riley (beckoning to others)
Hey guys, I have the perfect way to take them down!
Mark
How?
Riley
With the one thing they can’t stand.
Taylor
That being…?
Riley
Blond Jokes. Come look at these!
All: (gather around Riley. Talking over each other)
Yes! Definitely! These are great! Perfect!
(Start chanting) Brunettes know best! Brunettes know best! Ext…
[Blackout]
[Brunettes SL; Riley, Taylor, Lindey, Mark.]
Blondes
LIFE’S BETTER BLOND!
[Lights up Blondes enter]
Lindsey
They ARE doing something with bleach!
Taylor
Why would they even have bleach?
Lindsey
(shrugs) beats me
Addison
Look who decided to show up.
Riley
Look who remembered to show up.
Piper
I put in my cell phone to remind me!
Lindsey
(under her breath) Typical blonde…
Todd
Hey! We can hear you ya’ know!
Lindsey
You were supposed to!
Margot
Enough small talk, let’s get started!
Mark (“babying” her)
But big talk might be too difficult for you!
Margot
That’s it! (runs at Mark with the intention to pour bleach on him)
Mark
(hits the bleach, out of her hand, upstage) Ha! nice try. (cocky smile)
Margot
Aw man! My bleach!! (returns to blondes, defeated)
Addison
It’s ok Margot don’t worry! Hey Todd, What do brunettes miss about a great party?
Todd
The invitation! (Other blondes cheer)
Lindsey
We got invited to this.
Margot
We said war, not party. Your point is invalid.
Taylor
Fine. But I get invited to tons of parties!
Todd (Matter-of-factly)
I didn’t see you at the one last Saturday!
Lindsey
There was a party?
Taylor
(To Lindsey) shhhh! (To everyone, defensive) We…had plans… You wouldn’t understand!
Piper
That rhy—
Addison (annoyed)
Piper hush.
(All argue)
Riley
How do you confuse a blond?
Mark
Have them alphabetize M&M’s!
Piper
You can just organize them by color!
Lindsey
Why would you organize them at all!?
Piper
To taste the rainbow!
Addison
Piper, that’s skittles.
(Brunettes laugh)
Lindsey
Why did the blond climb into the fireplace?
Riley
So she could sleep like a log!
Margot
Oh yeah?! Well what do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes? (flicks her hair)
Todd
Invisible! ...hey where’d they go?!
Taylor
Ha, Ha. Very funny.
Lindsey
What does a Blond make best for dinner?
Mark (stepping forward proudly)
Reservations.
Todd (Taking a step forward)
Okay Mark, try this out for size! What’s brown, black and blue?
(Mark shies away a bit)
Todd
A Brunette who’s told one too many blond jokes! (Punches Mark in the gut)
Mark (wincing)
Oww!
Piper (whispers to Addison)
Is he ok?
Addison (aside to piper)
Who cares!?
Mark (Stepping forward again)
Oh Really, what do you call a bunch of blondes at the bottom of the pool?
Riley
Air bubbles!
Todd (sarcastically)
Cuz our heads are full of air, how original.
Taylor (stepping further DC)
It’s a classic!
Addison (Meeting her DC)
We’ll its stupid!
Taylor
You’re stupid!
Addison
Nice comeback!
Taylor
Oh like you can do better!
(They Argue)
Margot (stepping forward between Addison and Taylor causing the arguing to stop)
What is the real reason a brunette can keep their figure?
Taylor
No one else wants it!
Mark
Hey thanks, I do have a great figure. (Strikes a pose)
Addison
That’s not what we meant!
Piper
He knows that!
Mark
You know you want me Piper!
Piper
I’d rather date a red head!
Mark
Well that’s okay cuz I’d rather hit myself with this sign then take you out!
Piper (boiling to the surface, insulted)
THAT’S NOT WHAT YOU SAID ON FRIDAY! (Runs off Stage Right)
Mark (blushes)
I’ll….be right back…. (follows her off)
(Awkward silence, Margot coughs)
Riley
Awwwwkkkwwwaaarrrddddd....
(All Laugh)
Todd
So, You guys want to go to Panera?
Addison
Sure.
(All-Margot begin to exit)
Margot (runs to grab carton)
Can we stop at CVS? I need to get more bleach. (runs off L after everyone else who are laughing at Margot.)
Margot
Hey guys! hey where are you going? guys come on this isn’t funny! guyysss!
(Reenter Piper, SL, and Mark coming after her)
Mark
Piper, Wait! I didn’t mean it!
Piper
I don’t believe you.
Mark
I thought we decided to keep it a secret—
Piper
Well you took it too far! I wasn’t comfortable with this “war” in the first place!
Mark
I know, I know, I’m sorry. (Falls to his knees, begging) Being blond is just a recessive trait; it has nothing to do with intelligence, I know that! You’re the smartest girl I know Piper. I swear I didn’t mean it!
Piper (Walking away from him, arms crossed)
The sweet talk won’t get you very far Mark. It sounded like you meant what you said before.
Mark
Well I didn’t! I could never hurt you like that, I like you too much.
Piper
Well…PROVE IT
Mark
Well, (stands up, walks towards her) Come here! (Pulls her in as if to kiss her but they smack heads instead)
Mark and Piper
OW (hug)
[Blackout]
APPLAUSE
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JOIN THE DISCUSSION
This article has 18 comments.
Riley
How do you confuse a blond?
Mark
Have them alphabetize M&M’s!
Piper
You can just organize them by color!
haha I love your script