Amos and Venanzio Go to the Bank

Setting:
A medium-sized bank in the suburbs. An old sedan pulls up in a handicap spot. The sedan slightly hits another car, causing the car alarm to go off. Two men step out of the car with the fake mustaches and other assorted facial hair.

Amos:
You did it again! How hard is it to park a car in the right spot without hitting anyone?

Venanzio:
Stop critisizin’ me, Amos! You should be glad we have a car at all!

Amos:

A crappy one.

Venanzio:
Let’s just get this over with this, ‘member what to do?

Amos:

Yeah, we run in and take all the money! Does my beard look right?

Venanzio:
Move it a little to the right, there.

Venanzio:
3, 2, 1 GO!

(Both burst into bank)

Venanzio:
(draws gun) Everyone, hands in the air. This is a bank robbery!

Amos:

(whispers) What do I do now?

Venanzio:
I’ll go to the teller and demand the money, You keep track of all the hostages.


Amos:
We’re keeping hostages now? I don’t want to take hostages! Wait what are ho-. Aren’t they like prisoners?

Venanzio:
Shut up! But yeah. The most important part in a bank robbery is taking hostages. They can’t call the police and if they do, we can give hostages to get away!

Amos:

How do you know that?

Venanzio:
I watched it or sumtin’. Yeah, I saw it on TV. It doesn’t matter, we gotta get back to the bar at six, and it’s 4:45 already.

Venanzio:
(to teller) Gimme all your money!

Teller:

Huh?

Venanzio:
I said, gimme all your money!

Amos:
(pushes Venanzio away) May you please hand over all the money in your possession? Please? With a cherry o-

Venanzio:
(to Amos) Shut ya trap! You’re not supposed to be nice to the goddamn teller! Watch the expert!

Amos:

You’re an expert? I never knew you did this before!

Venanzio:
Well, I have – (changes topic) Just let me do the brainwork. Ya know? Using the noggin?

Amos:

Hey! You calling me dumb?

Venanzio:
We can talk about this later... Just get the goddamn money!

Amos:

At least say please!

Venanzio:
I got no time for your crap Amos!

Amos:

Jeez! No wonder they call you the old hog!

Venanzio:
What did you say!

Amos:

Never mind.

Venanzio:
(to teller) Give me some money. I want all your hundred bills and fifty bills into this bag now!

Amos:

Really? A Dora the Explorer bag?

Venanzio:
Don’t judge, it’s my niece’s.

Teller:

Huh?

Amos:

(looks up) Uh, Vinny?

Venanzio:
What? I told you to not call me that.

Amos:

(points at plaque) Uh, Vinny. This is a deaf teller, it says he needs to turn on his hearing aid to hear.

Venanzio:
Damn it! Do you have anything to write with?

Amos:

No.

Venanzio:
Wait, I think I have a napkin, (pulls out Dora the Explorer party napkin)

Amos:

Really, a Dora the Explorer party napkin? And I thought the bag was excessive.

Venanzio:
Just shut ya trap! I was at my niece’s birthday party. (writes robbery note on napkin and hands it to the teller)

Teller:
(turns on hearing aid and bursts out laughing) Really, eh? You want the money eh?

Amos:
Yes, we would like the money, please!

Teller:
Well here you have it, eh? (puts packs of hundred dollar bills into bag.) 50,000 kangaroos!

Venanzio:
Stop saying eh?

Teller:

You want me to stop saying eh, eh? I’ll stop saying eh, eh?

(Venanzio storms out)

Amos:

Sorry for the old hog, he’s always grumpy.

Venanzio:
(from outside) Amos, get your butt here! Now!

Amos:

Sure, Vinny, eh?

(Amos and Venanzio walk out of the door.)

Amos: Can I touch the money?

Venanzio: Sure! (picks up bundle. A red dye squirts all over their arm and shirt. Sirens are blaring in the distance.)

Venanzio:
That stupid twat! He called the police AND gave us fake money!

Amos:

He was quite nice, wasn’t he, eh?

Venanzio:
SHUT UP!

(End)