Scene 1. Stephanie Meyer sitting alone, onstage at her desk, writing
Stephanie: Two species both alike in dignity



In fair Forks, Washington where we set our scene



From ancient neck break in order to feed



Where drinking blood makes immortal hands unclean.

Lights down. Lights up on Bella, standing alone onstage

Bella: Ugh, I’m super pale and really pretty but I never accept compliments, even


Though I’m really insecure. Oh, look, a bunch of equally as pale and


Mysterious looking people. The one who looks like he wants to eat me is


Kinda hot.

Edward, Alice, and Carlisle appear onstage

Edward: Bella, we can only be friends. My urge to rip your throat out is too strong


For us to be a couple. You also can never be seen with me in public, or


Around my family. You know how it is; you bring home a human and all


They do is judge and judge and judge.

Bella: But, but, but, I love you! You’re so mysterious, and I know absolutely


Nothing about you, but that doesn’t really bother me!

Alice: Aw, I like her, Edward. Can’t we keep her? Please------(continue until


Edward finally cuts her off.)

Edward: Alright! She can stay, so long as she doesn’t do anything stupid, like


Attract the attention of a psychotic vampire tracker.

Jacob enters


Jacob: Bella, no! They can’t be trusted! I can’t tell you why they can’t be trusted or


How I know, but you’ve got to trust me.

Bella: Jake, nobody cares. Go brush your hair or something.

James enters

James: Argh, I’m a psychotic vampire tracker, and I’m going to eat you! (Tries to


attack Bella, is literally pushed away by Edward.)

Edward: No! Bella, will you go to prom with me?

Bella: Who are you again?

All exit

Scene 2. Stephanie sitting at a desk again

Stephanie: And that’s book one! Hmm, what can I do to actually spice things up a



Bit? Oh, I know! Add a bunch of teenage werewolves that walk around



Shirtless!

Lights down. Lights up, Bella and Edward alone in the forest

Edward: Babe, it’s been great and all, but I’m leaving and never coming back.

Bella: But, but, but, I love you! (Starts to cry.)

Edward: (Panicking) I’m outta here! (exits.)

Bella collapses in a heap on the floor, crying. Jacob enters, and sees Bella

Jacob: Oh, crap! (Runs off)

Consuela enters
Consuela: No, no, you must move. I clean here. Starts to clean around Bella

Jacob reenters

Jacob: Oh, um, hey Bells. I was totally just about to come back and get you….

Bella: Jake, my immortal boyfriend just left me and I’m feeling kind of suicidal. I


Can only see him when I’m about to get hurt, so even though I said I


Wouldn’t, I’m going to put myself in as much danger as humanly possible.


But at least I have you.

Jacob: Actually, I’m going to break all former promises made to you and ditch


You. It’s not me, it’s totally you. (Exits.)

Bella: I know! I throw myself off a cliff!

Alice enters

Alice: You’re an idiot, Bella! You know what, you should’ve drowned! Anyone


That stupid has it coming to them.

Edward enters, and starts to reveal himself in the sunlight.)

Bella: No! (Throws herself at him, but falls short) Ow.

Edward: You’re useless.

Scene 3. Stephanie sitting at her desk

Stephanie: Another romantic ending: the useless heroine does absolutely nothing



Of consequence, and he still takes her back!

Lights down. Lights up on Victoria


Victoria: (On phone, texting) I hate you. My army is coming to kill you all.



Xoxo, Vicky.

Exits. Enter Edward and Bella

Edward: I am going to exert my self-appointed power over you and forbid you


From going anywhere near the fight, even though my entire family and


Wolf pack will be risking their lives for you.

Bella: But I want to fight. I want to, I want to, I want to! (Throws a tantrum)

Edward: Jacob! (Jacob enters) Deal with her! (Exits)

Jacob: Hey, babe, now that Sparkly is gone, I’m totally gonna guilt trip you into


Kissing me again.

Bella: Okay! (Starts to go for it when Victoria enters)

Victoria: Prepare to die! (Lunges for Bella. Jacob puts his arm out and holds her



Back.)

Jacob: Do you mind? You’re killing my buzz. (Nosies with Bella)

Edward enters

Edward: I swear to God….(Drags Victoria off)

Edward reenters, and Bella falls into his arms

Scene 4. Stephanie sitting at her desk

Stephanie: Aw, poor Bella! She’s so completely confused and doesn’t know



Whether to pick the normal human kid who is obviously a better



Choice for her, or the 107 year old teenage vampire who meets all



Of the criteria for an abusive boyfriend.
Lights down. Lights up on wedding

Bella: Alice, I’m still really conflicted! Should I pick Edward or Jacob?

Alice: Jacob. Seriously, pick the wolf.

Edward enters

Edward: Wait, what?

Alice: Uh, nothing! (Runs off)

Bella: I take thee, Edward Mason Cullen, to be my husband.

Carlisle: I now pronounce you two stuck with each other until the sun burns out, or


The Volturi finally kills us. Whichever comes first.

Edward and Bella exit

Carlisle: Alice, you did tell her that she should’ve gone with Jacob, right?

Alice: Duh. (Exits)

Bella and Edward reenter with Renesmee

Bella: So, um, yeah. Our kid.

Jacob enters, sees Renesmee

Jacob: …How!?

Aro enters

Aro: For your crimes, you must all die!

Edward: Dude, she’s half human.

Aro: Oh, okay. My bad. (Exits)

Jacob starts to come onto Renesmee. Bella puts her hand out to block him.

Bella: Jake….No. Just, no.

All freeze in tableau

Scene 5. Stephanie centerstage

Stepanie: And the 16 year old werewolf fell in love with the half-vampire



Baby, that’s not creepy at all. And Bella went from being a



Completely useless mortal, to a just as useless immortal. I love how



These stories end.

All: And so the abusive controlling lion fell in love with the completely useless

Lamb.








~Fin~