Why I Dislike Dating Apps

I’ve never needed dating apps, I could always get rejected in person. I’m not that muscular, attractive, or popular, so I’m quite the catch. I’ve always avoided the idea of asking out a girl due to the fear of getting rejected. That all changed when I saw my friend Andrew, who’s relatively on the same attractive-scale as I am. He has a girlfriend now, has less time for me, and seems happier than he ever was. He said that he used Tinder to acquire such happiness. I decided to give it a try.

Choosing a profile picture for apps such as these are the worst part. Every picture seems like a life-or-death choice. I decided to choose a decent one, but I noticed that a blurry strand of hair was going in the opposite direction, and perhaps I’ll be dating an eye doctor soon so I can’t have that.

The bio. Write about me? What’s there to say? “Going into college without any idea what I want to major in, $100 to my name, a YouTube channel with one video consisting of 72 views and 4 dislikes as I talk about Brexit, and I can bend my thumb backwards.” The ‘bend the thumb backwards’ part is if my love interest wants a little extra entertainment.

Who am I interested in? People who won’t take out a toothbrush with a razor blade attached to it while I’m trying to eat a Big Mac on our date. People who won’t turn out to be a 50 year old man who’s looking for whatever he’s looking for.

After a good couple of hours of swiping, I got a match. Nicole. Nicole’s hot. She’s my age, has similar interests as me, and can bend her thumb backwards. She must be my soulmate. She hit me up.

“Hey. :)”

I decide to play it cool and wait exactly 4 minutes and 21 seconds before I respond.

“hey”

The undercase h is important, it shows how calm you are, you just don’t care.

“You’re cute. :P”

Yeah, okay, Nicole. And I’m also an astronaut and I’m going to be blasting off to space later.

“so are you lol”

WHY WOULD I SAY LOL? Shit.

“Wanna meet up? I’m close I think.”

All those pennies I threw into the fountain on Tuesday finally came in clutch for me.

“sure, that’d be dope”

Smooth.

“I’m actually a photographer and we can do a photoshoot in the forest if you want. The one near Elm Street.”

Word?

“word?”

“Yeah, that’d be fun. Only if you want to though. :)”

I’ve never been more excited for a colon and half of a parenthesis in my entire life.

“let’s do it. tuesday?”

“I’ll meet you there at 3. :D”

Holy shit. Tuesday. Where’s Andrew? He’d be so excited for me. I’ll give him a text.  

On Tuesday, after traveling for a half hour on a dirt road, I came to a halt when I saw a “dead-end” sign. I was pissed. Nicole told me we’d meet here and she’s not here. What a fool I am to think that someone would actually go on a date with me. What a fool I am, I guess. F*** Tinder.

Suddenly, a small figure appears out of the forest. It was a man, the same height as I. I can’t see his face, my vision is distorted as the weather is a bit foggy. Is that Nicole? I said I didn’t want any 50 year old men, I specifically put that in my bio. He walks over slowly to the car. I put my hand on the gear and switch it to reverse and start to take my foot off the brake. The man starts to speed up his walking, I start to reverse the car. As he’s running, I’m desperately flooring the gas pedal until I eventually back up into a tree. The car won’t run. The man can run. The man can run fast.

The man eventually runs up to the car and starts to attempt to open the car door but it is locked. I start searching inside the dashboard for a weapon. Unfortunately, I only have a pack of wipes and the car manual. I desperately reach inside my wallet and take out my ID and put it against the window in an attempt to explain who I am without having to verbally speak to the man. I guess he isn’t interested in being an eye doctor, or who I am for that matter, because he completely ignored my gesture.

As the man is now aggressively pulling on the handle while simultaneously trying to break open the window, I suddenly remember that there is an umbrella on the floor of the passenger seat. As I reach over behind it, the man breaks through the window and starts to grab at my hand and pulls me. I can’t reach the umbrella. I attempt to punch and kick him off but he’s much stronger than I am. While I’m being literally dragged, I see a rock on the ground beside me. I saw once Tom Cruise jump off a mountain onto a small rope that was dangling underneath a helicopter. Now, if he can get do that, I can reach this rock. I grab it and swing my arms up and hit the man in the face. He barely seems affected because he maintains the same speed while dragging me.

“I will literally murder you.” He declares.

“Why?” I scaredly ask, even though it’s a dumb question.

“Nicole is my step-daughter and she isn’t allowed to talk to boys like you.”

“And a collection of other ironic sentences.”

I quickly learned that being a wise-guy wasn’t the best route to talk in this scenario. My back hurt and I was legitimately scared. He stopped dragging me randomly.

“Dude, let me go. I won’t talk to Nicole again. I didn’t know it was a rule in your family or whatever. I just joined Tinder because my friend did and I wanted to have a girlfriend, he seems happy.”

He stopped looking so angry for a second.

“Nicole met some guy with the same name as you, Nick, and he raped her. I’ve been looking for him for months.”

I wanted to have sympathy for the guy but just because I have the same name as someone else doesn’t mean I’m that person. It’s the equivalent of someone having the name Adolf but being mistaken for the actual Hitler, it’s a dumb name to have admittedly, but still.

“I’m not. I wouldn’t ever think of doing something like that, ever. I don’t even know another Nick, not even in my school. That isn’t bullshit. I swear on my life.”

He had a look on his face that made it so obvious that he didn’t believe me.

“We’ll see about that, Nick.” He reaches over to my hands, I swat away but he grabs me and snaps a finger back.

“OW! You DICK. You better buy me some bandages, I don’t know how much longer CVS is going to be open for.”

“Keep running your mouth, kid. Admit that you raped her.”

“I didn’t rape her, I swear on my mom’s grave. Let me go.”

While I was speaking to him, I’m slowly weaving a branch toward me with my right foot. Thank god for heels on Timberlands.

“I’m going to kill you, kid. I really am. No one will care, though, after they find out what you did.”

I grab the stick and with a move as fast as in the movies, I swung at his head and ran. I didn’t look back. I heard him screaming in the background as I ran throughout the maze of a forest. As I run, I start to come to terms with what just happened. Even with a broken finger, a scraped back, and a confused mind, I maintained my wise-guy presence and nothing seemed to phase me all that much. Am I truly that stone-cold? Maybe I did rape that girl. Maybe I don’t remember it. Maybe there’s something wrong with me. I stopped in my tracks. I was in the middle of a road now. And just as I was about to continue running, a cop car turned on its sirens and headed toward me. I didn’t move, I was ready for anything at this point.

“Hey kid, what happened?”

This young male, early 30s, steps out of the car and seems genuinely concerned. I tell him the full story, front to back. He takes me back to the police station to file a report against the man I saw.

“Tall, sort of overweight, looks like an alcoholic who actually screams at football players through the TV screen.”

One of the cops’ face changes. He looks over at his partner and whispers in his ear.

“What was the girl’s name again, Nick?” The cop asks.

“Nicole Romanaro, sir.” I reply.

“And you said he said he was her step-father?”

“That’s correct, sir.”

“Nick Romanaro is her step-father, Nick.”

And just then, my entire world just changed. My whole presence, my whole sarcastic demeanor would forever be changed. I had just learned how cold, heartless, soul-battling, evil, selfish, and saddening the world is. The reality of things when you’re exposed to it is disheartening. I had just encountered a rapist, and I had almost died, and had almost taken the blame for his crime. I was confused. Why would Nicole talk to another Nick if she’s been raped before? I then learned it’s a mentality issue, which is unfortunate. With my mom waiting outside, I walked out, gave her a hug, and cried. I had never felt so guilty, yet felt so bad for someone at the same time before. I wanted to give Nicole a hug, and I don’t even really know her. I had mixed emotions. Would her dad go to jail? Would she like him to, knowing that he raped her, or would it be difficult knowing that he’s her dad? I decide to forget about it. I forget about Nicole, I forget about Nick, I forget about Andrew, I forget about the situation, I forget about my back and my finger, I forget about Tinder, I forget about all of it. And as I walk home, I look back at the police station and shake my head. And that’s why I dislike online dating apps.