A Welcoming Sense of Despair 

By: Roger Bundridge 

    The solace that radiates from the stars above causes the Earth to fade away. The luminescent orbs of purity breaking through the sheets of consuming mist and caressing my face. Resting my head  against the worn down wood, I begin to rifle through the folds of my past. Desperately, I search for the words that I have been so hesitant to say. Even if it was to nothing but an empty, long forgotten, desolate world, I needed to allow the words their freedom. To watch as they would fly up and up into the air the first chance they got, being swallowed by the mysterious curiosity of the sky.  The denim material of my jeans rub against the palms of my sweaty hands in nervous anticipation. 

    “I don’t know what I’m doing,” the crack in my voice allowed the weakness a free pass into the world. “Nothing makes sense to me anymore,” another crack, and my throat begins to close. “I don’t even know where to begin. The me that I knew, he has vanished.” I remember the moment he faded into the cold winter air. I remember the feeling that caused the feet beneath me to stagger, and the warmth in my body to drip off of me into the ground. The one sided love that broke me into millions of unrecognizable jagged shards of memory.

    “The person I was before life kissed me, before it forced pain, despair, and sorrow into my lungs, that innocent person is gone.” That person has packed their bags and left, the realization that there was nothing left for them clung to their heart in desperation. They didn’t even put up a fight, the strength in their body was nonexistent. They were so tired… Their newest struggle became the act of leaving, an obstacle they barely managed to pass. “I watched as their foot would slip, as their body began to drag along the broken pavement. Now, here I am, a mind without the nerves to think, a heart without a pulse… A body without a purpose.” Forcing the words out, I clench my teeth. It felt as if barb wire had been wrapped around my throat, digging into the skin without mercy.

    The lights continue to get brighter, the peace wanting nothing more than to be heard, to be recognized as something worthy. I watch as they begin to blink, giving me yet another sign that they’re there. 

    I know. I feel you. I want you, but I can’t move.

    Incapable. That is what has taken over my body. The incapability to be happy, to relish the feeling of warmth, to place my hand on my chest, close my eyes, and allow my breath to settle. Incapable of pushing through the thick and suffocating fog that currently surrounded me. Life, its claws digging into my soul, does not like the thought of someone being happy for too long. I came to terms with that a long time ago, but the pain that it causes… It is unbearable. 

    Defeat. A hand forced itself inside of my chest and clenched the beating organ everyone claimed to love. A hand, that was so bruised and so broken, reached inside of me to scorch the feeling of defeat into my bones. At first, it was a struggle. A struggle where I was winning. I already miss that. I used to smile without difficulty. I used to be able to lay on someone’s shoulder whenever I was feeling upset. I allowed others to be there for me. Now, I am defeated. Now, I am the broken one. 

    “I don’t want to do this anymore. I miss...me.” Clenching my own weak, exhausted hands I felt a new emotion begin to sizzle at the pit of my soul. “All I wanted was to be normal. The only thing I wanted was to show them that I cared, and all it caused me was pain.” The last word came out as snarl, and I let it. “You chewed me up and spit me out. You put the thought in my head that I was useful. Manipulation! That is all it was!” Something dangerous clung to the inside of my skin, pressing itself through my pores. “You forced me to remain obedient, to stay in one place like a dog and allow them to do with me as they wished.” At that moment I realized something that most people miss… 

    Kids are always afraid of the dark and the monsters that lie dormant in the consuming, thick, blackness that is the underside of their bed. They cower and ask mommy or daddy for help. The fear in their voice as the blanket is turned up, the little squeal after the closet is checked… At this very moment, that could not be possible, never again. My monster’s were not under my bed, they never were. The hideous beasts are not crouching in the corner of my closet, using the darkness to their advantage. The demon’s were not only inside of my head, they were the ones who made the decisions. Now, they are the ones who are in control. 

    A thirst had taken over me. A sudden, but uncontrollable, hunger for those that did me wrong. I grabbed onto my stomach, forcing this new side of me to remain dormant. An Earth rattling roar burst forth into the world of destruction and agony. An unbelievable power appears in my hands as I crash to the ground, slamming my fists into the dirt. I felt the hard soil bend beneath my skin, and I heard the cracking of branches. 

    “No, no, no, NO!” An animalistic voice replaced my own as cataclysmic pain ripped through every nerve of my body. “What are you! Why are you doing this to me, please, please, I’m begging you to stop!” I didn’t know what to do. My breath was coming in rapid gasps, and the world around me was spinning faster than it should have been. My fingers were unconsciously grabbing at the ground, clawing, pulling up handful after handful of the uncared for earth. 

    SET FREE! I WILL SET- The voice cut off as an unknown force yanked me up from the ground. Turning my head in frantic paths back and forth, I scanned the world with my sore eyes. My vision broke through the fog with perfect precision. I could see every particle of fog as they bounced into one another, I could see the dew drops on every blade of the thin green grass. I felt the fabric of my clothes rub against every nerve in my body, the beads of sweat that trickled down my neck and back in intricate patterns. Birds that I could not see sang in my ears. The smell of rain took over both of my nostrils, the stench of animals passing close behind. 

    The muscles in my hands clenched to a painful degree, veins pumping to a beat that caused my bones to reverberate in my ears. The blue and purple mazes under the thin layer of my skin press on, forcing me to continue on my path. Pain tore through my back, something ruffling under my bruised and broken body.

    You want revenge, do you not? It is as if the voice had been tamed, as if the anger and hatred that roared in my ears had shriveled up and moved on. You want to set them free, do you not? A scream of pure agony burst forth into the fog, attaching itself to the particles in desperation, clawing and tearing at the defenseless opponent. 

    “What do you want from me?” 

    Want from you? Oh, boy, no. I want nothing more than to help you. A mollifying universe enveloped itself around my heart, dulling my senses and allowing my lungs to function properly. This world has been cruel to you, or do you not remember? 

    “Of course I-” an explosion of light and sound filled my head. At that moment I was reminded of the cruelty that got me here, to this very spot.

    “Allow me to show you,” the sinister smile appeared on my own face.

    “There’s a certain kind of sadness to you these days,” I say softly while I place my hand on his cheek. “It’s scaring me.” 

    A presence took place in the front of my brain, an unwanted source of pain and misery. The bones in my body froze as I allowed the memory to unfold before my eyes. 

    The look I received was blank and empty, unrecognizable. The eyes that used to be so full of life, were gone. The glimmer I would see in the morning every time I woke up was no more. The smile no longer reached his eyes. That laugh could barely resonate. It’s as if the man I worked so hard to know, packed up his things and left. The skin of his cheeks were cold, almost like marble, hard and strong but also unbelievably fragile.

    “I… I don’t… I can’t… I’m so sorry, but I don’t think… I don’t think I can do this anymore.” 

    Just like that, my world had shattered. 

    “W-What do you mean?” I heard the crack in my voice, it had already started. 

    “I do not want to continue… It’ll only hurt you in the end.” 

    “You have found somebody else…” 

    In my heart I knew, I always knew. I had always known we would not last, it was only a matter of time. The shadows around me had lengthened, the grass more wet than it had been before. Radiant streams of oranges and fiery reds welcomed me without hesitation. 

    “After that, they were so cruel…”

    Yes, they were.

    “They all made fun of me for having hope… For believing that everything would be okay.” 

    They treated you like you were nothing. 

    An itch began in the back of my head, one so intense I could not help but give in. I allowed my eyes to close once more, and I took a deep breath. I felt my body begin to sink, my soul being torn and replaced with something much darker.

    “Do with me as you please.”