I was walking home from school today. I’m sort of an outcast and it’s been like that my whole life. A car rolls by and I can already tell from the degenerate voices who it is. Nalina Parker and her no-good friends always want to start something with me. I wonder what it’ll be today? 

“Haha, how does it feel to be alone, with no friends, no one who cares, and look like trash on top of it? You disgust me”, She yells. I kept walking and with every step, I took the more angry I felt. How could someone be so cruel, what do they gain from that? But I could only hurt if I let it hurt me. So I showed them no emotion and still, they barked and laughed until I turned a corner and could no longer hear them anymore. I just wished in my mind that I could be in this world alone, by myself, with no one to judge me and hurt me anymore. Maybe being alone won't feel so lonely after all. 

   I got home at about 4 pm after walking. My drunken mother is usually here passed out on the couch but I didn’t see her today. I yelled for her name and still no answer. Yet in my mind, I just thought she was out partying or throwing herself at some old man who could buy her a drink and give her a place to stay for the night. Despite her uneasy addiction these past few years, she was a good mother at one point in time. Giving me everything I needed, taking me out on picnics and making forts, and laying in the back of her old worn down truck at night looking at the stars. But ever since the day I turned 8 she grew a cold shoulder for me and left me to fend for myself. Now I take care of her with the only motivating factor being to grow better not bitter. She still is my mother of course. I plop on the couch and try to turn on the tv but it doesn’t seem to work. I get up and change the batteries and still no reaction at all. Great, she probably forgot to pay the cable bill I thought. With only 5 dollars for the week to get food, most nights I was left with nothing. So I got my jar of peanut butter and ate my feelings away until I wanted to throw up.

    I was just tired but I knew I needed energy for school tomorrow because if I went to sleep now I would be up all night tired of school. So I went on the back porch and caught a breeze. There was something off though. All the neighbors, kids playing, and the sounds of people cutting grass seemed to disappear. In my mind, I thought why is no one out today when it is so beautiful if they seem to be out even on the bad days? Tuhhh, the sound of nothing just made things more depressing. So I went to my room and read my favorite book till I fell asleep. I wake up in the morning at the sound of my phone alarm tired and aggy. I brushed my teeth and did my whole routine. After I finished, I walked to my mom's room to see if she was there and her bed was left untouched. I'm used to her neglecting me but not for this long. I just sigh, grab some peanut butter and go about my day. As I’m walking to school I notice there are no running cars. That’s weird because in this part of California, not a minute goes by on my street without a car passing by. At least I didn’t have to deal with Nalina and her pestering friends. I got to school on this odd odd day and there were no cars parked in the lot. No buses, people, or even the flag seemed to have lost its tumultuous noise. Why was everything so quiet, so lonely? I checked my phone to see what time it was and it was 7:45 am. School starts at 7:30 so why is it so desolate? 

     I walked up to the doors and they were unlocked. So I walked through the empty hallways and no one even seemed to be in class. The lady at the front desk wasn’t even there and she never misses a day. I know I said I wanted to be alone but this was not what I imagined. I started putting the pieces together and slowly started to panic. Just yesterday I wished to be alone with no one else, was my wish starting to come true? But what do I think? Or was I losing my mind? No, no, no this can't be. So knowing that was the only thing that could have possibly put me here I wished to take it back. But nothing.

    I started to grow so desperate I even wished to hear Nalina’s voice no matter how traumatizing it is because anything is better than nothing. Yet as my world seems to remain the same I start to cry. What should I do? Then I hear something. But this wasn't a good thing. It sounded like a growl. The fear in my body was so intense my heart stopped and I couldn’t move. Then I saw it. A hideous beast whose odor wreaked so bad you would have thought it ate dead corpses. I ran. I ran and I ran and would refuse to let my legs give out. I got home and locked all my doors and closed all my curtains so that not even a hint of sunlight could get in. There was no electricity so the only source of light I had was my phone which was about to die and a few old matches my grandfather left a couple of years ago. This feeling of being alone and vulnerable to this creature hurt so bad that pain lost its meaning. There was no way I could survive this. Maybe it was my time. I went to the kitchen to grab a knife ready to end it all because I'd rather end it myself than let that thing get to me. Then I hear a loud bang and smell the odor. But how could it know where I live? This was my worst nightmare. It was pure evil in its eyes. It had no means of showing me mercy. Dark with no light I ran to my room under my bed and in the evilest voice ever I heard my name. It grew louder and louder. Tanaya, Tanaya, TANAYA !!!!!!!!! I just closed my eyes and let go. This was my time. This was how it would end. Then I open them again to my drunken mother towering over me with the smell of alcohol on her breath trying to wake me up for school. It was just a dream I said with relief. I jumped up and hugged her and told her how grateful I was to see her because just the touch of another human being comforted me. She was clueless and just walked to her room and slumped on her bed. Even though I knew life could be hard, it always felt better with someone there. Knowing there is hope provided me with solace. And ever since that moment forward I never liked the quiet. I was always around noise even if it annoyed me. Because anything is better than nothing. My therapist had told me because of my depression I would have these weird dreams that altered my reality. Something felt so real though, this couldn’t have been a dream. This felt like another dimension and I fell back into mine. I knew this wouldn’t be the last time I entered this place. At least I know what I’m dealing with next time.