I was pushed in the ocean the cold water touched my flesh I submerged in the water. I tried to swim up but the current was too strong it pulled me back under like the waves were two large hands sucking me under and swallowing me whole. I was in a state of mind that there was no point to try again. I felt like I was lying down, weightless but I was just feeling this way because I was unconscious. I am drowning, I am dying, and I am a worthless person who won’t go far in life. Do you believe I am worthless? I really wanted to ask this to my boyfriend I never did because I am too afraid that his answer would be a straight out yes.

It feels like I have been here for days I bet that nobody knows that I am missing, that I am gone that I am alone. From the dock someone is probably staring right in the direction of the spot in the water I am under and they would never know that I was beneath this dreadfully intense below freezing water. They wouldn’t be able to tell because I am so still I am lifeless. Now that the water was placid I didn’t have any strength or breathe to even try to swim up. Or so I thought the water was calm the next thing I hear a disruption to my ears was a body abruptly smack the water. I didn’t know who it was of course because I was unconscious but I could feel everything. Especially when they pulled me close as if I were a baby they were cradling to try to get them to fall asleep. I could tell I was above the water now someone had come to my rescue what a miracle.

I am still not sure if I wanted rescuing or not at that moment but it didn’t matter what I wanted or not because I was being saved and that was the end of that. Whoever it was took me to shore, and a few minutes later all you could hear is the rambunctious siren of an ambulance coming, exactly the noise I didn’t want to hear because I knew what that would mean. It would take me to the sick house or what everyone knows it as the hospital. I tried not to think about it, going to the sick house made me believe I am crazy. I also expect the doctors to ask questions if I survived.

One of the patients there screamed “She is blue is she dead already?! ” In my head I was thinking I hope I am not dead because I regret it ok it was me nobody pushed me into the ocean I jumped I was screaming but it was useless because I am talking to myself inside my head no one else could hear. They shock my heart to try to get it to start beating again but what is the use he thinks I am dead. I hear him crying right outside the door, I feel so guilty for doing this to myself but mostly for doing this to him. It turns out my boyfriend was right next to me holding onto my hand saying “I know you can come back Izzy your stronger than this you can fight this come back to me. I will make sure to be there for you all the time I will help you through this. I saw you I know what you did, I saved you it was me I did it because I love you and I do not want you to feel so worthless, you aren’t to me. You are so worthy of my love you are an honest, kind hearted person who will be somebody. Do this for your self please.”

My heart beat started again rising every second. You could hear the relief in the doctor’s voices and telling my Derek that everything would be ok. From that moment on I knew that I was truly going to get far in life and I realized that if one person could influence me that everything would get better. I could do the same and help people who are going through a rough patch in there’re lives. Then that’s when I decided to become a counselor and change lives before something similar to my story happens with no saving.