I am trapped, by myself.
I am alone, but many surround me.
I can speak, but I choose not to.
It’s not that I don’t hear them, I do, but I don’t want to listen. And because of this I am here, alone. Waiting. What for? Good question. I ask myself that almost everyday. I have a long time to think, hours on end. Remember when I said I was trapped, it’s true. I am trapped physically as well. Daily, I am surrounded by white walls, bright lights, cotton uniforms. Daily, I wait in the center of these white walls until I am let free, to talk to Him. I don’t like Him. Him bothers me. Constantly asking questions. I don’t want to answer. I don’t want to talk about that day or even think about it. He had to go. I did what was right. No one needs to know why. Just me. And him. Another him, Jake.
“Caitlin?”
That’s It. I don’t know who it is, but he comes here everyday at 6:23 says my name and then a,
“It’s time to go.”
I have never seen It’s face. Well my eyes see it but my mind doesn’t. He’s just one of Them. Them are the people who put me here, the people who don’t understand. Them think I’m crazy. Maybe I am crazy. But them will never understand. Ever. It leads me down the hallway. The route? Straight. Right. Left. Up stairs. Through the door. Straight. End. I have arrived at End. I walk into End. End is plain. End has a desk, a fake plant, a couch, and a chair. End has a clock too. In the corner above the chair, slightly off center. End is quiet. The clock is not. The ticks echo off the walls. Each second clicks. 3600 clicks. Everyday. Each click sounds like a gunshot. I count them sometimes. I can count because I am quiet, End is quiet, and Him is quiet. Except the clock. Time is noisy. All the time. I think Time is mocking me, making noises when I can’t . Time kills. It knows I did too. Him starts to talk, breaking the noise of the clock. Him is always talking. Can’t Him just shut up?
“Caitlin are you going to talk today?”
I don’t answer and answer at the same time. Tik. Tok. Tik. Tok.
“Say one thing Caitlin, please it has been six months.”
I look up from the floor pouring all of my hate into my eyes.
“Don’t look at me that way Caitlin I am just trying to help.”
I roll my eyes. If him knew how much he was not helping, would him leave? Tik. Tok. Tik. Tok. Click. Shot. Tik. Tok. I jump in my seat. I heard a gun. I heard it. Time knows. And now it wants me to suffer. I rock back and forth crying.
“It had to be done!” I say quietly, rocking and crying.
“What Caitlin?”
“It had to be done!”
“What had to be done?”
Louder. “It had to be done!” Screaming now. “It had to be done!”
Over and over again I scream louder each time. Him says something to It. It went to go get Them. Them stabs me with a needle. Then I see the other him, Jake. Why do I see Jake? Jake is dead. I killed Jake. It had to be done. Jake is moving through a door. I have seen that door before. Where? Number 23. My old apartment. Jake’s lips move. A loud hello echoes around the apartment. I am not there. But I am. I am there. I am hiding. I am so sorry Jake. I love you. I love you so much. The picture of Jake starts to blur. Don’t go Jake, please don’t go.
“Caitlin?” he says.
“Yes?”
“Caitlin?”
“Yes my love?”
again and again he repeats my name until I open my eyes and Him is staring at me.
“Caitlin,” Him says, “You’re awake.”
Yes, Him the genius, I am.
“Who’s Jake?”
I don’t answer. He doesn’t deserver to know. No one does.
Tell him Caitlin, Tell him what you did to me.
Jake?! My eyes go wide
Tell him Caitlin, Tell him what happened. Tell him why. Don’t let me die in you Caitlin, let the story out.
I can’t Jake, I won’t.
Do it for me Caitlin, you love me don’t you?
Yes of course I do. I always have.
Then say it. Say it out loud.
I look over to Him. Him is just sitting there staring.
“Jake, he had to die.”
“I know that Caitlin, you’ve said that before.”
“He had to die because I loved him, God didn’t love him though.”
“God loves everyone Caitlin.”
“Not me, not Jake.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Because God let Jake be sick. My Jake, the only man whom I have ever loved. God was trying to take my Jake away from me. To punish me. He gave Jake cancer.”
“I am so sorry Caitlin” Him says.
I have heard that before Him, so unoriginal, so naïve.
“But God couldn’t take him away from me quickly, Jake was going to die slowly. He was going to forget who I was, what I meant to him.”
“He could never forget Caitlin.”
“I couldn’t let God do this to Jake and I. I couldn’t just sit back and watch God take my husband away. Taking him away slowly too. It’s unfair and unjust.”
“So what did you do Caitlin?”
“So I decided that it was going to be me. I gave him my heart and my life and he gave me his. So I took it.
“Why Caitlin?”
“I couldn’t let God take him from me. If my love was going to die, he was going to die because of me. And quickly. He doesn’t deserve to suffer. No one does. Especially not Jake.”
“So what happened?”
“So one day I hid in my apartment. He came in, yelled hello. He didn’t think I was home. And then while he was winding the clock, I shot him from behind. Through his heart. His heart belonged to me. So I took it. It stopped. Time stopped and so did Jake. But I committed two murders that day.”
“How so?”
“Part of my heart was there with his and when his heart stopped, so did mine.”
“I understand.”
“So you see, it had to be done.”
“Why?”
“Because I loved him.”