Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the lord my soul to keep
If I should die before I wake
I pray the lord my soul to take
Amen


I whisper this to myself every single night hoping that the torturing nightmares don't return. So far God has not answered my plea. They just keep coming and coming..since I was a little girl. Getting worse each time. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. I'm losing my faith. One day I will conquer my subconious mind. One day soon preferably.

*****


I see a young girl, perhaps five or six years of age. By this time I'm sure it's me. This is not my first nightmare. She's in a concrete room, frantically running around in her tattered Easter dress. "Mommy!" she cries. No one can hear her, she knows this but she continues to scream out because she's somewhat comforted by it. She bangs on the wall, but her tiny arms are getting sore. She's about to give up all hope. I want to yell out to her, hug her, tell her everything's going to be alright. But even I know this isn't true, for I have had this nightmare many times before.

She shuts her eyes and counts to ten. One...Two...Three -she pauses-. Are those footsteps? No, they can't be footsteps. She's in a concrete room so it seems, are these in her head? Of course I know they're not. I know exactly what's going to happen, but I feel terrible for this little girl. I feel terrible for myself.

The footsteps stop..She continues to count.. Four...Five...S-Sixx.... She counts in the dream each time, even though she knows what happens after ten is inevitable. Seven..Stupid little girl.. Eight..Don't do it Brittni!..Nine...You know you're just gonna-..Ten..

And once again, right on schedule the little girl opens up her eyes and sees her mother and sister walking in front of her along a sidewalk in this deserted dreamland city she knows all to well. They walk faced forward robotically like they do every night. She calls out to them, "Mommy! Sissy! It's me!!" They stopped. Brandi starts to turn around. But Mom still faces forward. Right before Brandi's face surfaces, she turns back around and faces mother. They seem to discuss something without words. I want to run to them, but my feet won't move. Something's holding me back. An invisible force. I struggle to move while my loved ones begin to walk forward again.. I count to ten once more..knowing that with each passing of the number ten, my situation gets worse.

This time my mother sister and I are together. Tied up. Atleast we're together..But we're not in the same place. This time we're in a very large home. I don't know who's home. I don't know where. All I know is that we're tied up backs against eachother and we're all sobbing. I want to know what's going on. Why I can't wake up. Why I can't control my dreams. I hear the same footsteps as in the concrete room. The same pattern. The same person. They grow vividly louder, I start to hyperventilate. My mother is completely calm now. But she says nothing. I cannot see my sister. But I hear her heavy breathing. The source of the footsteps is very close now, maybe ten feet to my rear. Then the most frightening noise that I've ever heard comes out of this things mouth. It sounds like a deep growl but it echoes until my ears ring. I say thing because at this moment I cannot see him. I have never been able to see this "man" in my dreams..He speaks, "Her". I hear my sister scream bloody mary. My mother remains calm, looking onward into the corner of the room. I scream "Noo!! Sissy come back!!" But the men commanded by the strange leader obey him and completely ignore my screams. They take her into the room next to the one that we are in. I hear her struggle and fight against the men. I don't understand how my mother could let them take her..She won't answer me either..What's wrong with her? I scream and struggle to get out of the tight ropes, they didn't loosen one single bit. I'm stuck here with a mute mother and a sister with God knows what happening to her in the next room. I break down. I'm only five. Why is all of this happening to us? I want to shut my eyes, count to ten, and escpape this hell..but a loud gunshot in the next room, Brandi's room, alerts my senses. The "leader" comes back in the room that we are in and speaks once more, "Her" and this time they take my mother.. She puts up no fight..I want to run after her and bring her back to me..But the ropes are too tight. I can't move. I sob hysterically. My whole world has changed in a matter of minutes. They bring Brandi back in..She's badly hurt and sobbing.. She can't walk. I think they shot her in the leg. It's bandaged up and there's a large blood stain in the middle of the bandage.. I want to be with her but they tie her up on the other side of the room..She must have at least ten broken bones..I don't understand. I don't hear any noise coming from the other room..What's wrong with Mommy? What are they going to do to me? Poor Brandi..I love her so much.. I won't count to ten again.. I have to save them.. The ropes are too tight once again.. They bring Mommy back..And they tie her up next to Brandi..One single tear struck her cheek. The leader spoke one last time. "The last one" The men try and grab me.. I struggle and fight like there's no tomorrow. Mother speaks, "Don't struggle my child" And at that point I start counting.. They drag me into the next room...It's the concrete room..The largest man shoves me up against the wall and I hit my head..I think it's bleeding. None of them make any noise..The only noise I hear is my head ringing. They start to come at me..what are they doing to me? Is this what they did to Mom and Brandi? I feel more sorry for them then I do myself. My five year old body doesn't understand what they're doing.. But my fourtteen year old body does. These filthy men are raping me. Just like they did my mother and sister. My body is too weak and I see a tunnel with a beautiful white light at the end. I see Meme in this tunnel. She's crying. I want to comfort her. Why is she crying? "Meme!" I cry out. I run to her in this endless tunnel.. Closer...Closer..Five feet away...I reach for her. She's still crying. I touch her arm and suddenly... I'm awake silently crying on my pillow.


Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the lord my soul to keep
And If I die before I wake
I pray the lord my soul to take
Amen