“Where am I?” My voice rasps out the question. It sounds foreign, as if I had been chain smoking for years, even though I had never even touched a cigarette in my life. I start to sit up when a sharp pain jolts through my head making me grab it. I let out a high pitch squeal of pain. Then, as fast as it came, it was gone, leaving me to feel nothing. I open my eyes slowly. Or so I thought I did, but all I see is blackness. Am I blind? What is going on with me? Where am I? I press the palms of my hands into the smooth hard ground. It gives off a strange cold to it. It stings my hands as if it were made of pure ice. The darkness is disorienting. What made it worse was the fact that there was no sound, other than the sound of my heart beat in my ears. I take a deep breath in. The room smells of nothing. It scares me, everything has a scent. What kind of place doesn’t have a scent?
I make a plan to try to get myself up. I get onto my knees, trying to steady myself to stand. I get one of my feet flat on the ground and push myself up. I feel like a new born deer trying to walk for the first time and I can’t get my legs to go where I want them to go. I fall forward on my face landing hard with a heavy thud. I curl my fingers into a fist and slam my hand onto the floor.
“What is going on!?” I scream, praying that someone-anyone-will hear me. I just want to know where I am. The silence is deafening. I push myself to where my legs are folded underneath me. I try to focus my eyes on something when it hits me, there is no echo. How big is this room? I take a deep breath trying to calm myself. I have to get my priorities straight. My first task is to stand up. I go through all the steps again. I push myself up again. I stumble forward but this time I’m able to get myself up straight. The next thing on my To Do list is to find out where I am and how I got here.
The more I look around the room the more I realize that it’s actually a shade of dark grey. As if I’m surrounded by ash. I can finally make out the shape of my hands and body and just ever so slightly I can start to make out the color of my bright yellow shirt.
Okay, let’s try to figure out where I am. I try to think back to see what I can remember last. The memories of this morning come flooding back.
“Kerrie,” I hear my mother’s familiar voices yelling my name as she does every morning. I turn toward her voice and the room transforms into my house. I’m somehow now in the hallway of my home. I can’t believe it. Did I dream all of it? I run to the kitchen where I can smell my mother’s breakfast, which I never eat because I’m always running late for school.
“Mom, you won’t believe the dream I had.” I run to her smiling just happy to be awake. I watch her turn toward me and wipe her hands on the red apron that I got her as a gift one year for Christmas. She sweeps her long black hair behind her ears. Everyone says that I have my mom’s hair my dad’s eyes. She still looks extremely young for being forty. I smile at her but she walks past me as if I wasn’t even there. I follow behind her. “Mom, what’s wrong? Are you mad at me?” We make it to the hallway where my father is standing dressed in a sleek black suit that he wears for work. His head is shiny where is hair should be. His eyes are lined with wrinkles. He gives her a loving peck on the cheek.
“Good morning.” He greets her, not even looking back at me.
“Dad, is mom angry at me or something?” He walks right past me. I go to grab his arm, but he walks right through my hand. I gasp when I feel nothing. It makes me take a step back, stunned. I take a deep, broken breath in. There is a noise coming from up stairs that draws my attention I get wide eyed as I see myself running down the stairs. She’s dressed in the same yellow top and blue jeans that I’m in now. Her hair is perfectly in place with hairspray and not a lash has been left uncoated by mascara. I feel sick as I watch the person that looks like me run right past me, not even sensing my presence there.
“Honey, you really need to start getting up earlier.” I hear my mom behind me.
“I’ll try that tomorrow, mom,” she dismisses her comment just as I did every morning “Bye guys, I’ll be home later on tonight so don’t wait up for me.” I watch myself grab my car keys and run out. The door slams shut behind her and I instantly am returned to the black room.
What happened to me? I blink a few times trying to comprehend what the hell just happened. Every cell in my body feels as if it has caught fire. My heart beat doubles as I try to think but I can’t hear my thoughts over the blood rushing in my ears. There has to be an explanation for this. I must be dreaming. Before I can even try to wrap my head around it, I’m rushed into another location.
I stand on a side walk as my car pulls into the coffee shop that I go to every day. She greets me by name and starts preparing my drink for me as she does every morning. The barista and I talk about random things that have no meaning. We are just trying to fill the silence that hangs in the air. I watch myself pay for the drink and drive off. The smell of the coffee fills the air. I watch as she stops beside me, looks both ways, and drives on. From afar I see from afar my car pull up to the red light and stop. My legs start to move under me into a full sprint toward my car but the light turns green before I can reach it. My car starts to pull forward to the center of the four way stop.
I slow my pace knowing that I’ll never reach it. Then out of nowhere a semi rams my car at full speed. I watch as my car rolls over itself over, and over, and over again. Then there is the sharp pain in my head again making me fall to the ground. Amy head feels warm as something begins to drip down it. I pull my shaking hand away from my head to see a dark crimson pouring from me. I glance around me to see that I’m back in the black room. I sit up and look down. My clothes are covered in blood and coffee. The sweet of the coffee and the iron in the blood swirl around me, making me feel sick. There is a strong taste of copper in my mouth. I touch my head again to feel my hair matted and clumped together from the blood. I stand back up as a drip of blood runs own my face. I take one step forward.
“What happens next!?” I scream the question at the powers that are controlling these horrible visions. I wrap my arm around my ribs feeling as if I had broken a few of them. The room transforms once again, but this time into a busy hospital. I’m now located in front of a door where five doctors are standing over the girl that looks like me. My eyes are closed and they keep yelling things I can’t understand. All the noise seems to die around me as I walk over to myself. She is covered in blood, just as I am now. Her once perfect hair was now disheveled and coated in her own blood. There is a gash right below her hair line. She looks to be peaceful in her slumber. I walk over to her head and touch her hair. It feels like nothing as my hand goes through the strands, leaving them unmoved. I feel sad for her as she lays there still. The sound of my heart flat lining snaps me back to reality. I realize that the girl I’m looking at is me. Really me, not some dream. They put paddles to her chest and shock her. I feel a deep shock in my own chest and grip it, trying not to scream. They shock me again, making me double over in pain. I grab at my ribs feeling the pain grow deeper and deeper as it becomes unbearable. A tear of pain runs down my face. I run to the exit and stumble out of the room, falling to the ground. There is another pain in my chest again. It hurts too much making me want to rip my own ribs out. I finally scream praying for the pain to stop. The tears flow freely down my face. Then there is nothing. I relax as the pain leaves my body completely leaving with an empty feeling.
I see my parents standing there in the door way of the emergency room. I push myself up with one hand and run to them. My dad is holding my mother as the doctor comes out of my room and looks at them with sad eyes.
“No,” I hear myself say breathlessly knowing what comes with that look. He comes closer to them as I shake my head slowly.
“Mr. and Mrs. Vixen?” My dad nods not being able to speak. “I’m sorry but your daughter’s injuries were extensive and she didn’t make it. You have my condolences.” My mother falls down and screams into my dad’s shirt as he lets his tears fall down silently. I grab my head and fall down to my knees having no one to catch me. The room goes back to its preset blackness. My body feels numb. I can’t feel anything. I pray to feel that pain again. To feel anything so I know I’m alive, that I’m not dead.
“Why me!? Why did this happen to me?” I scream knowing I will never get my answers. “What am I supposed to do now?” My voice is rough with the tears. I cover my face with my hands. Trying to hide the tears. I scream into the darkness. Then there is this blinding white light that steams in between my fingers. I uncover my face to see it. You have to be kidding me. This is the white light people talk about? The light seems too bright. I stand feeling the warmth of the light on my skin. The smell of rose petals fills the air. My hand seems to lift by itself and reach for the light. It feels peaceful, warm, loving. It feels like home. I stand and walk toward it. The warmth is so welcoming. I look back behind me to see the darkness. The cold, harsh, darkness. One soft tear streams down my face saying my silent goodbyes to my loved ones as I take a step into the light.